Insecurity about other women

I am so glad I found this post. I know it is an old one but everything everyone has said really sounds a lot like myself.

I am 34 and have had many sh*tty relationship -- too many to count and finally got myself a really decent guy last year who I am now living with. But I am ruining it for myself. I am obsessed that he prefers younger women as when we first got together he made a few comments about teenagers which plays on my mind, despite nothing being mentioned for months and months and months. Not just that, but I am paraoid about another girl at his work that he used to fancy -- she didn't want him but decided she wanted to start sending him messages when he started going out with me. Thankfully he ignored her but it still makes me paranoid. I worry he is thinking about her, looking at her at work, flirting etc, etc. If I'm not worrying about her I am worrying that he is fantasising about having a younger model than me (by the way he is 44 so ten years older than me). If I'm not thinking of that I am worrying that is still in love with his ex who he has a child with and on and on it goes.....I'm never relaxed. The amount of arguments I have caused because of accusing him looking at other women. Some days I want to go to sleep and not wake up because of the mental torment that goes through my mind. The only time I feel at peace is when I am smoking cannabis and for some reason that calms my emotions and helps me to think logically but I just cannot reach that state when I am sober.

I am currently seeing a Psychologist and have been now for a few months. I only have a few sessions left and I am nowhere near better. In fact, the older I get the more I lose my looks and the more I feel paranoid that he will not be attracted to me and prefer someone a lot younger than me. He once made the comment that women tend to start looking really old in their 40s and this makes me feel so depressed.......I don't know what the answer is?? Smoke cannbis everyday? But even then that stops working after a time.

I too, suffer from the same insecurity. What has helped me tremendously, is to talk about what you are feeling when the moment arises. There are times when I will say things like "she has a hot body" so that my fiancé doesn't feel uncomfortable if he is thinking it, but cannot express it. It helps to get his thoughts so it isn't such a daunting feeling of "I wonder what he must be thinking" or "I wonder if he thinks she is hot". You will find that he will respect you and love you even more and think you are hotter than ever. Usually, my fiancé will follow up with "yeah she is pretty but you are prettier babe." There are beautiful women everywhere in the world and in today's society, there are more naked women on TV than ever. You need to rise above it, and realize it is only TV, Hollywood, Magazines and it isn't reality. Most of these women have cosmetic surgery and all they do is focus on how they look because it is their career choice (not all, some). It is basically a form of acceptance and once you realize you do not have control, you will give in and you will find that all the pressure has been lifted off your shoulders. Guys want someone they can share their thoughts with and if its their significant other, it is a win win. You even get to laugh at some of the women who just look ridiculous half naked! Take care of your health, physically and mentally, and people will be drawn to you. All that other stuff wont matter. I used to fight with my fiancé because I would accuse him of having nasty thoughts. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS IN A LOVING WAY. Guys know how exploited women are these days. My fiancé used to gawk at women when we first starting going out. Now he has tempered it. Its ok to notice a beautiful women and even comment on it so its not like "the elephant in the room." but there is also mutual respect for one another and that is what needs to be established before you can have any kind of healthy relationship. When the impulsivity comes on to say something negative, WALK AWAY. it isn't worth it. I know what it is like when the emotion is so strong and it hits you so hard that you didn't even realize you were out of control until it is too late and you are fighting. Then you feel stupid and shameful. for what? all over some figure on TV!? ITS TV! that is what its for...to entertain you! Have the Porn conversation as well. Watch it TOGETHER! sorry if I jumped all over the place here...

Saw this topic and had to reply. I too have this issue and honestly thought it was just me. I just wish it would stop because it eats me up I check every film we watch its gotten to me that bad. And when I know somethings coming on my heart pounds and I end up losing it even more so if he continues watching it as I wonder why he needs to watch it. My head is in such a mess I hate my thoughts. Feel like I'm mad! Am I? Just don't know how to stop my feelings. I have no confidence and I know that's probably the problem. Can't believe other women have this too. Read this thread and cried!

im 23 and suffer something like this, but i have very little reasons to feel this
its like a fear of the non existent, my boyfriend is 23 and we have been together 5 years
he doesnt care about other women , he speaks to me saying im the girl he dreamed to have and the most gorgeous girl on the planet
i too sometimes get crazy thoughts when he mentions a movie , the fear bugs me till i cant hold it in and i ask him if he is watching that for the women, he says no its for the story, and this upsets him very much to the point he wont talk to me
he says it upsets him cause he loves me and doesnt give 2 sh*ts about other women
i tell him its a issue about my confidence and that im not accusing him or anything negative towards him
i love him so much, its a fear i have that i want to overcome
sometimes even i think im dumb for fearing these things, im 120 pounds and bf says i have perfect body, my chest is nor big or small and he says its perfect, he doesnt like big and its just saggy in progress
when in public with him if i start feeling insecure and other girl around , i'll ask him if they are his type
every question i ever ask him , he says no everytime
the problem stems from me being insecure about my body
i feel like i just want more attention sexually from him and i fear if ever his attention would be on other
even though he gets upset , like very mad and will tell me he only wants me and puts his attention on me only

i need help on what to do to stop fearing when i get these fears and questions in my mind
anyone can relate?

Gosh, all these beautiful, vulnerable and amazing people who posted on here! I too am dealing with this plague that quite literally makes me not want to live at times.

I do want to post to the one guy who's girlfriend slept with someone else 2 days later. First of all, it is admirable that you tried to help her through all these things. It is admirable for all the men and women who are helping each other through this. My heart went out to you you put so much in trying to tame her phobia (after reading this blog, I think it is quite obvious it is a phobia.) I do want to shed some light on why that happened though. Because I am a woman with this insecurity, I would bet 1 million dollars on the reason she did it. She slept with another guy that you work with because she felt abandoned by you and she has ridiculous insecurity. This is not right what so ever and she hurt you and herself 100x more because of it, but i'm pretty certain that is why she did it. In the start of my relationship with my boyfriend, I would purposely imagine being with other guys and flirt because I was convinced he was imagining having sex with my sister. It is SO painful and so damaging to do this to each other. I am so sorry you went through this but know that it is NOT your fault.

Also, to the lesbian woman, I found your post fascinating. I do not mean this to sound bad or insulting but my fear has been around men. I am deathly afraid that all that "men are programmed to want more than one woman" $#%^. I'm afraid because I too grew up with a Dad who's only explanation for cheating on my mom was "testosterone." I too had a family that believed one of the most important things for me to be was attractive. I just find it interesting that this can happen in any relationship, not just male-female.

I do however know that phobias are not overcome by avoiding them. I am so sorry to the lady whose husband just admitted watching porn. If it is any consolation, I have watched porn as a woman and watching people have sex is a very helpful thind in mastrabating. If you can watch it and just focus on YOUR pleasure, you may be able to understand it is really not about wanting those women (or men in your case), it's about watching sex. Also, most men would not actually want to have sex with or date a porn star.

Also, your struggle with sex is heart breaking but it does not make you any less beautiful, amazing and desirable. You may actually be able to get some pleasure from porn (seriously it can help with female mastrabating). Also, I know a lot of guy LOVE blow jobs. Im guessing if you felt more liberated and comfortable with your sexuality and both of you felt you could please each other when you can have intercourse, that may really help.

GOsh, I have such admiration and compassion for you all! It is so good to know we are not alone.

I think a lot of the time we are afraid of things because we perceive them to mean something they do not mean. One of my biggest fears is that if I am out at the bar and my boyfriend sees the hot bartender, he will imagine having sex with her and she may notice him staring at her. It is a real fear, there are men who do think this way. However, I just can not imagine that men who know you feel this badly about these things can not at least stop thoughts from progressing to that stage. I think the reason many of you are afraid of attractive women is because you are afraid of what is means.

I am not a guy, so I can't talk for them. However, I can only imagine that the men who are standing with you through all of these struggles could also offer explanation that women being attractive is just that. Shallow, attractive yea but it means nothing else. Truly. Just how you or I can find a guy attractive (and though that may bring up these feelings because we struggle with this stuff) but we can find a guy attractive and that is literally all it is.

I wish you all peace and love! Seriously, thank you for showing this vulnerability! It helps others who also feel "crazy."

By the way, THIS THERAPY MAY REALLY HELP. It has helped soldiers with post traumatic stress disorder because it tracks your eye movements and trains your brain in some way I do not completely understand. It is called EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. Check it out, I am going to start this soon so I will also check back take good care sweet hearts!

Oh man.....this forum is a blessing. I too, suffer from this terrible, depressing, and torturous fear. My boyfriend absolutely loves me, and I know that, however, I couldn't help but notice that he had "liked" the page of a really hot girl on facebook, and that deeply upset me. I feel like if you love someone they should be enough. I have always felt extremely beautiful and confident, and have been told I should be a model since I was pretty young. I'm 24 now. I still know that I am beautiful, but the fact that he was looking at another women who I personally think is hotter than I am, deeply troubles me and crushes my spirit. We have never had this issue in our relationship until now...I always felt like the most gorgeous girl in the world next to him and he never gave me any reason to even consider that he looked lustfully at another woman. As soon as I saw this my heart sank and I felt sick to my stomach. My body goes weak thinking that he is comparing me to or fantasizing about this woman, and I feel like he thinks she's better than me and that if he had a chance with her he would take her over me, which in turn makes me feel as though our entire relationship is a lie. People tell me that I'm overreacting, but I'm not. I'm allowed to feel the way I do, and there's a reason it's upsetting me. The same goes for all of you. I completely understand where you're coming from, and my heart hurts knowing that you feel this pain, because I Know all too well the despair it brings. I think it all comes down to differences in perceptions. My boyfriend told me that it literally means nothing to him, and that yes, he does notice if a woman is beautiful, but that's all it is. I believe him, but I still feel disgusted that he went out of his way to admire this woman. I know for a fact that all men notice a beautiful woman; even women recognize a gorgeous woman when they see one. There is a difference, however, in noticing and admiring, and moving on. We should never dwell on someone's attractiveness if we are with someone. In my opinion it is cheating. I'm having a very hard time overcoming this dilemma in my relationship even though he has been extremely sweet in trying to help me overcome it and promised that he will not look at other women again, and he has told me that no hot girl can even compare to me in his eyes. I have always been a firm believer that actions speak louder than words, and the problem is that I feel if what he is saying was true this would have never presented itself as an issue. For the first couple weeks after this happened I couldn't shake it, I was hopeless and felt unworthy and ugly. I wanted to give up on life, as dramatic as that may sound. I love this man immensely and the thought of him admiring another woman over me crushed me to the very core. I was able to overcome it for the most part, although I developed an intense fear that we will see tons of gorgeous women when we go out and that he will notice them, or that he is fantasizing about this girl when we're having sex or just throughout his day. It's such a horrible prison emotionally. I really believe the only way to overcome this is to know yourself, your worth, your unique beauty, and ultimately to recognize that you cannot control your partner. If they want to fantasize about other women or vice versa, you can't make them stop. If you express the hurt it brings you and they are unwilling to stop, all you can do is walk away knowing that you are still you and that life goes on without them. It is never wise to make someone else your whole world, because everything changes. We all have something beautiful and valuable to offer, whether we are supermodels or not. Try and communicate openly in your relationship and stay positive. Focus on YOU! Create yourself to be who you want to be, and as you evolve you will find yourself struggling less with insecurity and jealousy. I personally used my hurt to fuel my fire and have been working out harder, eating healthier, and transforming into an even sexier person that I was before. My jealousy was definitely to my advantage. I'm still not 100% over it but I am trying not to persecute other women for their beauty, but rather use it to inspire me to bring those qualities out in myself. Also, PLEASE realize that if a man truly loves you, you are all he thinks about day and night. He may think a girl is hot, but who doesn't? She's not you! I hope I could be of some help to you guys. This is no different from any other fear, and fears must be faced in order to overcome them! You can do it......fake it til you make it. If you're not feeling confident, think empowering thoughts and act sexy! Act like you're sexier than anyone you're feeling jealous of, just don't be mean. Your man will appreciate you more if you are sure of yourself. We have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else. Sorry for the looong message, but I have been struggling with this and looking for advice for a while now, and this is finally the best thing I've seen yet! I had to be a part of it. Blessings! <3

I am so glad I found this and I'm not the only person who feels like this. This has been bothering me for a very long time. The relationship I'm in now is the only time this problem has arrised in my life. I definitely feel like it has to do with my boyfriends past of watching porn and id also found naked pictures of girls he knows before saved on his email. This has made me feel so ugly and disgusting. I have told him and he is sorry and hasn't done anything like this for at least a year but I sstill think about those moments and get so upset. He tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me but its hard to believe. I too cannot watch shows with nudity or even with half dressed women. I get too upset and I think my boyfriend is fantasizing about then. Ive been seeing a counselor for months now but I cannot stop these thoughts of inaqequecy whenever I see attractive women. I too hate going in public for fear my man will see an attractive women and will fantasize about her. I don't know what to do anymore and when I get upset he tells me not to dwell in the past but its hard when things that happened in the past contribute to the way I feel today. Please any help????

I ran across this posting stream while googling the Internet for some research I am conducting. After reading several posts, I felt I should register and record this post:

From many of the posts that I have read, it is obvious that the women who have posted here are truly suffering. I feel for you...Interestingly, as near as I can tell, most, if not all, of the women have either boyfriends or husbands. Also, most of the boyfriends and husbands tell the women that they love them very much. Some of the men are into pornography.

As a man who gone through couples counseling, here are some of my thoughts:

1) The women and their boyfriends or husbands should seek couples counseling ASAP, before a separation/divorce becomes inevitable.

2) My guess is that many of the women who posted here are insecure about their relationships with their men. The women are afraid that they will lose their men to a more attractive woman.

3) My girlfriend and I both like watching James Bond movies. I mention this because one woman posted that she got upset when she caught her boyfriend watching a James Bond movie...I watch the James Bond's movies because I like spy thrillers. The beautiful women are incidental to the Bond movies. If the movie editors completely cut out the sex scenes, I would still watch Bond movies. Interestingly, my girlfriend primarily likes Bond movies for the actors who play James Bond.

4) You really need to get counseling, but meanwhile, let me say this:

- If you can't trust a man, he is not worth having. Period... If he falls for another woman, then he either he was never good enough for you, or there was a much bigger issue than another woman's looks that broke up the two of you.

- Women often think that if a man talks with other women that he is cheating. Most men don't think that way. We talk to everybody: dogs, children, women, men and strangers. Talking is just that, talking...And, sometimes, maybe we do flirt a bit, but because it is usually to make a transaction or social interaction go more easily.

- Men are extremely visual. We notice anything that moves and/or has beautiful lines, whether it is a beautiful car, boat or woman. Men notice beautiful women, men may even be taken aback by a beautiful woman, but as soon as she is out of sight, she is also out the minds of most men as well.

- Men are realistic. We know beautiful women are unattainable for all but a very few men. So, we focus on what we can have.

- Most men deserve more credit than you are giving us. When we are truly in love and committed to a woman and we see a beautiful woman in person, the second thought that comes into our minds is, "Oh, well, I am in a committed relationship."

I can't express how happy I am to have run across this post, because up until now it literally seemed like I was the only woman in the world who had this issue. I've even convinced myself that I was crazy and there was something wrong with me because no one I know seems to have this issue. Sadly, I am married to a man who's family is different than most. Not only are they okay with looking at other attractive people in front of their spouse, but they also sit there and talk about it too. It almost made me sick when I first met his family how his dad could sit on the couch next to his mom and talk about how hott the girl on tv was, and it was very foreign to me because I was raised the exact opposite. I realize that talking about how hott someone else is in front of your spouse can be hurtful, but my husband was raised to think it's totally normal.
Looking back I have never had this issue until I was engaged to my husband. I have no idea what caused this, but I'm convinced it was my pregnancy. I was pregnant when we got engaged and it's just gotten worse since. Pregnancy has ruined my body, and it was never all that great to begin with, so I have ZERO self esteem. I know looks aren't the most important thing in the world, but I also know that the society we live in today is one where sex sells and sex appeal is number one. That being said I want to be beautiful and have a man look at me in awh, but I feel like my body looks so gross now that people look at me in disgust rather than with praise. What's even worse is that all the other men in the world don't matter much, the most important man in my life is my husband, and it's his approval I look for. But I feel like I'm always having to compete for his approval. When I see him looking at another woman the first thing that comes to mind is that he is wishing he could be with a woman who had a body that nice. I feel like since my body is so messed up now, he's making up for it else where by looking at other women fantasizing about what he wishes he had rather than what he got stuck with. I feel like he really is stuck with me. He doesn't believe in divorce, so I know he's not going to leave, but I feel like because of that he is just staying because he feels like he has no choice, when really he would much rather have a hotter woman. My husband cares a lot about looks, and it kills me that I can't seem to give him the one thing that he likes the most. It seems like most men are all about boobs and ass, and I seem to be lacking in both those departments, so any time there is a girl in a bikini on tv or in a magazine I flip out and get really angry. I feel bad because I want my husband to enjoy tv and movies and such but at the same time him seeing those things hurts me so badly because I know those girls are prettier than me and I can't stand to see him drooling over someone other than his wife. I want to be the most beautiful woman in his eyes and I know that's impossible, but I can't shake the feeling. I wish I could find an answer to this problem other than counseling because I've tried that and it didn't help.
For the past few days I haven't even been talking to my husband because he has started watching this show he knows I don't approve of, it's a show that takes place on a beach. There is one girl I saw in particular that really got under my skin because she has like the perfect beach body and I knew my husband was looking at her the whole time. I finally said something about it earlier and he was like oh wow so there was one girl in a bikini for like 5 minutes what's the big deal. And I was like one girl? There were like 10 girls in bikinis. And then he says well I didn't notice. So I was like well who was the girl in the bikini you're talking about, and sure enough it was that girl I saw that really got under my skin because she seemed to have the biggest boobs and she was very obvious about it. It sent me into so much rage because that one girl is the whole reason that show bothers me, she seems to have the perfect body I could only dream of and I don't like my husband sitting there watching her run around in a bikini all night. I was trying to convince myself he didn't notice her anymore than anyone else on the show but sure enough she's the only one that caught his attention. Anyway, I'm very upset about it and I just know that this won't be the last time. There will be other shows, movies, and real life situations with girls just as hott as her and I don't think I can deal with this pain for the rest of my life. I'm desperate to find a solution so that when a beautiful half naked girl comes into my husbands view I don't feel like I just got kicked in the stomach.
If anyone has any other suggestions besides counseling, I'm open to anything.

I'm extremely late to this party, but cannot tell you how relieved I am to have found it. I've been struggling with this issue for the last 10 years. It follows the same pattern, I am the most awesome person ever when single, fall in love with a guy and after 6 or so months this insecurity surfaces. If I'm honest, it started way before that, in school. But regardless, the first encounter I had was with a bf from long ago. We started dating and after a while it really started bugging me that he had posters of the semi naked women on his wall. I would look at them, look at myself and know that besides sharing the bare minimum of female features there was nothing similar about us. Now I'm pretty attractive but I have 2 things that get in my way. I am flat chested and I'm a bit overweight. I always thought I wouldn't mind my Boobs if my body was smaller, but even when I've had a fantastic body, I feel it. Mostly because my a cups turn to aaa cups. So I've literally got a problem that works in a cycle. And the biggest problem is that I'm so extremely conscious of women's breasts that I can barely function. I avoided watching game of thrones, or anything else with nudity, especially Boobs. Mostly because I fee completely inadequate. I literally feel like I'm not a woman. Now I've planned surgery and have a concern about whether it's going to actually help. I'm sure it will, because at least I will feel like I can compete but I'm terrified nonetheless. My issues also stem from a philandering father and two exes that liked porn. It feels like if my bf watches shows, movies etc with nudity he's doing it FOR the nudity. Like he has settled down and can look without consequences. My current bf is amazing, a girl could never ask for a better guy and my insecurities are going to cause issues sooner or later. Anyone with advice..?