Insecurity about other women

Hi All,
I'm new to these forums but I am not new to this insecurity. I've been through this kind of thing in every relationship I have had and then when the relationship ends, I go back to being a confident and empowered woman once more. It's very sad because it causes me to mistrust my partner who is such a wonderful man and who has never done anything to make me feel this way.

The twist in my story is that I was first diagnosed with OCD at 12 years of age. Then I developed trichotillomania in my early teens and still have a mild case to this day but recently I read the wikipedia page for Body Dysmorphic Disorder and cried with relief that finally I was understood. Although body dysmorphia or BDD is said to revolve around a person's misconception of their own physical appearance, it's also very closely related to social phobia and insecurity. Low self-esteem and depression are a huge part of BDD and relationships are very difficult to maintain for this reason.

So basically what this tells me is that I associate my physical attractiveness to my self-worth and therefore if someone is more attractive than me, they are more worthy than me. When I say it, it truly does sound warped but it's a deeply set belief of mine that I don't know how to talk myself out of. I'm seeking therapy for it this week and am hoping for some freedom to finally live life happily but I just thought I would share this possibility with others in the hope that it might help shed some light. It may not be the case for everyone but I am certain that this is the case for me. It is so frequently misdiagnosed because it is said to effect only around 2 percent of the population.

I guess the question is, are you comparing yourself to other women as part of your insecurity and deciding that you don't measure up in physical attractiveness? Do you like or dislike how you look? I'm just interested in knowing because I have not been formally diagnosed with BDD but the behaviours described here are exactly like my own and I would like to know if others relate.

I wish everyone emotional freedom from this awful feeling. xox

I really can't believe that there's other women out there that feel the same as I!! I honestly thought I had to be alone in this whole planet with these feelings. I read this thread yesterday and was actually so much more relaxed last night with my OH, I wasn't getting upset during the ad breaks (the naked women advertising body lotions) I wasn't wondering for the whole programme whether there would be a sexy scene, I even didn't mind when a stripper came on.

I know it must be hard for our men. It's not their fault that sex sells. Whats important to remember is that we are all women. 100%. We are all beautiful, thats why they love us. People love others for whats inside, nothing can ever compete with that. When a person loves whats inside of another that magnifies what's on the outside. I'm trying to see that there are more important things in life than looks.

There is. I went through this with my ex. I was stressed all the time, couldn't relax, was always on guard. I broke up with him and lived such a wonderful life. I enjoyed watching what I wanted, I dated people, not minding if the waitress was Scarlett Johansson sticking her breasts in their faces while taking their order. Now with my new man, I'm feeling those jealous, and irrational feelings coming again. Except this time its different, this guy is crazy about me, I love him so much, he's such a sweetheart and I cant believe I'm so untrusting of him. I come from a different world to him. One where trust is broken constantly, everyone cheats,lies, steals. He has come from this wholesome pleasant world, where everyone is so caring and kind. I'm learning that now.

One thing I'm trying to do, is learn how people who don't feel insecure think. Like me when I was single, they just relax in life. They don't feel threatened. The don't feel the need to control the worst case scenario. They don't feel as if they're living in a soap opera. They see life as it is, that opposite sex finds eachother attractive, generally. They are accepting of the fact their partner finds Megan Fox attractive, just as they themselves swoon over Robert Downey Junior. They find other things important in life, not just their man and what makes them tick, they find relationships with girlfriends, work colleagues valuable also. Confidence is the most empowering feeling in life. Shame and worry are the most crippling. I hope we can find our own happiness ladies

Thank you Flowerpower, that's a wonderful post.

I have come from a place of hating my body and feeling ugly every time I looked in the mirror or left the house. And like you I decided I didn't want to be that way. I took inspiration from other women who were comfortable in their own skin; I decided whatever they had, I wanted it too!

Now I no longer have the shame and obsession with body imperfections that has crippled others in my family. It is very empowering when after years of self-hate, you can accept your body the way it is and recognise your own beauty. I don't wake-up looking like Scarlett Johannson, but I look like me and that's good enough.

I wish you, and all the other women who feel unattractive, a successful journey to discovering your natural beauty.

I used to feel the same way when I was younger. Oddly enough I got older and my body changed as well as my mind. I can say the biggest difference is now I feel a lot more confident in the way I look naked because I work out a lot and eat healthily. I believe my physical health has made me more confident and has made me a whole lot less insecure. Another thing you need to consider is that it's really not that big of a deal. Men don't think naked women are that big of a deal. It's just boobs. Boobs are for feeding babies. At some point you have to just get over it, because it's not going away and you are not going to start a revolution any time soon where the tits and ass are put aside and we all start watching Cinemax for the penises. (although that would be nice)
Another thing to consider is that you might be attracted to the women and you are feeling a huge rush of shame and guilt when the conflicting feelings of sexual lust and anger and shame take over when you see erotic images of women. Try this: instead of censoring what you and your boyfriend watch (and it sounds like he loves you so be nice to him) try watching something exlusively erotic by yourself, then with him and notice the difference in how you feel. Then think about your own body and how you feel about it. If you find yourself comparing yourself to those women maybe you should pay more attention to taking care of yourself than worrying about what some skank on tv looks like. Harsh words, maybe, but I feel like I'm talking to myself about 10 years ago.

guest wrote:This is an old thread and I'm not sure anyone is around anymore but tonight I came across this on the net...I waslooking for something to help me....b/c I identify exactly w/ everything you all have typed. I'm 27 and married now...since July of this year. I am driving my husband crazy. I am to the point where we cannot watch movies where there is any nudity or sex scenes...or certain actresses b/c it upsets me so much. I literally get Physically upset as well...anxiety, heart racing, etc. It has become that bad. I'm constantly watching him to see who he looks at when we are out. I don't like going out anymore and avoid a lot of places. I don't have any friends since we just moved recently but I am the same way about women friends being attractive. I am so insecure and the problem is getting bad. I was also like this in my last few rships...but not always....just since one particularly bad one I had. I didn't think anyone else went through this though...I thought it was just me and i was crazy!

Anyone still around that posted on this thread...I'd love to chat sometime.

See my post of a moment ago... It shoudl be up shortly

I don't know if people are still posting on here, but I just can't believe how many people are going through this. Im 24 years old and have been married 4 years to a wonderful man, but the anxiety about other women has always been a problem. One of my main issues is that he plays alot of video games and trust me if you have this problem the mega boobs and perfection are almost impossible to handle. Another issue-porn. A few years ago I found a ton on his computer and while he said he'd never download it again the trust with that is shaken. I noticed another woman had an issue with red heads...join the club. He told me when we were dating that he thought red heads were so hot and since then...its been an issue. Hopefully as I get older things will bother me less. For now, THANK YOU everyone who posted for giving me the strength to tell my own feelings. And I know we can all get through this. We are all beautiful in our own way even though the world we live in tries its damnedest to tell us otherwise.

Welcome darkchii87,

Oh you're so right about female characters in games. I've been playing games for more than 10 years, and there were few sexy male characters compared to all the curvy babes. In the land of computer games, almost every woman looks like Lara Croft.

However, apparently 45% of gamers are now female, so the game producers are slowly catching-on and making some eye candy for ladies too.

Don't waste energy being jealous of women in games or porn. They're not real women - they are just fantasy and coloured pixels on a screen. I'm sure your husband knows the difference between fantasy and reality. And he chose to be married to you - not to a red headed porn star.

You are absolutely right - you are beautiful in your own way, and no doubt your husband would tell you that too.

Hi all

I am very surprised and am going to sound like a lot of you in saying that I really thought that I was the only one that felt this way. I am having the hardest time dealing with my insecurity. I have never spoke of it to anyone, and I am pretty sure that none of my friends are going though it because I have never heard any mention of it. Unless they keep it to themselves like I do.
I have been struggling with this issue for years. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and he is the sweetest, most loving person that I know. However, I cannot get myself to sit and watch movies with him unless I research what is in them first. If I find out that there is nudity/sex/very attractive women, I will avoid the movie. I find this issue so embarrassing, even writing about it. I just don't know what to do anymore. Actually, as I am typing, he is in another room watching a movie that I refused to watch with him, only telling him that I had no interest in the movie.
I think that in my mind, I feel that he is comparing me to these women and would rather be with someone like that. I don't know why I think this, he has never commented anything like that to me. He compliments me a lot, is very affectionate and loving towards me, but I still feel this way.
I want to say that the issue first started with an ex boyfriend who would obviously look at other women in front of me, or comment about attractive women on tv/movies. He did it all the time. Now, I am told that I am a very attractive woman, but that doesn't matter, I still feel the way I do and don't believe people when they say that.
So when I sit with my boyfriend watching a movie and an attractive actress or sex/nudity seen comes on, I can feel anger boiling inside of me. I shut off from my boyfriend and in a way get angry at him even though I know he did nothing wrong. I get very defensive and sometimes pick a fight by constantly saying things like "this movie is so stupid" and things like that. It gets to the point where he gets so annoyed at me. It ruins the movie and our time together. Now, these type of movies don't bother me when I am alone or with girlfriends. I get so depressed over this. I don't want it to ruin our relationship. Everything else with us is so good. Is there anyone out there who has felt this way and has found the way of getting over it?? I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I have tried to talk to him about it, but I never really told him the extent of how I feel, just something along the lines of saying "wouldn't you rather someone like that?" Where he of course replies encouraging things, but I am so afraid of talking to him about how I feel. The only time I have this issue is with tv or movies, being out in public and having women around for some reason doesn't bother me.
I really tried to keep this short. Thanks for reading!!

Welcome jmm31,

It is interesting that you don't mind watching the films alone or with girlfriends, but worry and get angry when your boyfriend watches them. To me it sounds like you are feeling insecure in your relationship, and worrying about how you boyfriend feels towards you.

Is there a reason why you might believe your boyfriend doesn't think you are attractive or good enough? Have you been judged or hurt by your boyfriend or another man in the past? Maybe this is something a therapist could help you with?

jmm31 wrote:So when I sit with my boyfriend watching a movie and an attractive actress or sex/nudity seen comes on, I can feel anger boiling inside of me. I shut off from my boyfriend and in a way get angry at him even though I know he did nothing wrong. I get very defensive and sometimes pick a fight by constantly saying things like "this movie is so stupid" and things like that. It gets to the point where he gets so annoyed at me. It ruins the movie and our time together.

This outpouring of misdirected anger has got to stop, first and foremost. You have no evidence to back up your fear of him desiring other women, particularly those who he will never cross paths with.

Your current boyfriend is not your ex. Work on the residual feelings your ex may have helped to facilitate, do NOT take this out on your boyfriend. This behavior may very well drive your boyfriend away - not an actress in a movie.

Do something more productive as opposed to lashing out when you are uncomfortable. Gauge your emotions. Take note of when they arise, what emotion is making itself known, what you want to do to rid yourself of the unpleasant emotion... Yell? Argue? Leave the room? Are any of these productive? What would be productive?
What would happen if you sat there, watched the movie, and remained silent? How would you feel? Do you compare him to men you see?

I have tried to talk to him about it, but I never really told him the extent of how I feel, just something along the lines of saying "wouldn't you rather someone like that?" Where he of course replies encouraging things, but I am so afraid of talking to him about how I feel. The only time I have this issue is with tv or movies, being out in public and having women around for some reason doesn't bother me.

That is not talking about it at all. That is blatantly expressing your insecurity and fishing for compliments. You need to tell him for the sake of him, you, and the relationship. Does he know why you get all bent out of shape while watching such scenes? Does he know your behavior isn't about him, but your insecurity? It would also be wise to say that you realize this is a problem, that it is your issue, that you want to work on it, and may need his support.