Insecurity about other women

Count me in the "insecure" family, too. I was so much like described with my first husband..I couldn't stand for him to see a movie with attractive naked women in it, or look at TV or magazines with them. It bothered me also through my second marriage, to the point of making rude comments to my husband if attractive women were around.
Now I'm in my third marriage, and to make things worse my husband is 18 years younger than me....and that doesn't help any. As I have gotten older, it has become a bit less severe.( I have at least MOSTLY stopped making comments )..but it's still there. I have to constantly tell myself that there are more important things about me than how I look on the outside. It's particularly difficult if you were ever considered "pretty" or "hot" when you were younger, to deal with getting older and losing that feeling of being appreciated by total strangers.
I think this whole "self-image " thing has just gotten completely out of hand in the last few years with our American youth-obsessed culture. Sometimes I wish I could just move to Europe where at least the men seem to appreciate women of all types and ages.

Devanna wrote: I think this whole "self-image " thing has just gotten completely out of hand in the last few years with our American youth-obsessed culture. Sometimes I wish I could just move to Europe where at least the men seem to appreciate women of all types and ages.

I agree, it has gotten out of hand and I'm only 21. I can't look forward to growing older and gaining knowledge and experience and independence. I have to admit that even I get jealous of older women who look like they are younger. You know, the ones with the perfect hair, makeup, clothes, and money. I am sure I will not look like them when I am 40 or 50. But ya know, at one point those women were insecure about themselves as well, otherwise they would not have all these procedures done and spend tons on cosmetic products to make themselves look younger.

I won't sacrifice my dignity in order to look better. Right now in my young age, I try to dress stylish yet classy. I feel more insecure when my breasts or stomach are showing. It's like it screams, "I am insecure and want attention."

I really think that men are more attracted to confident, natural women. If a man is going to leave his wife or cheat on her for a more youthful person, that man himself is incompetent and confused about what life is all about.

I am about to move to another town. I will have my last session with my therapist in a few days.
During the last few weeks, I managed to understand that I am generaly easily anxious and it is mostly triggered by stress. Stress at work most often, but I don't necessarily realize I am stressed out. I recently was stressed out about my work, the future of my career, etc (i was aware of it this time) and I felt anxiety rising. I was trying to think about all the things to do before moving, what choice to make for my career, and a dealine at my current job was coming. I could not organize my thoughts, felt more and more anxious and THEN I started to think about my husband and feeling threatened by some woman and anxiety increased of course.
I was rethinking about a situation that happened 2 days before, where a woman at a party talked to my husband, joked with him, but kind of ignored me. They were just chatting, nothing bad happened, she did not do anything against me, did not try to "steal" him (she was actually with her boyfriend). I was feeling a little insecure at that party but I did not feel anxious while that was happening. I did not like it, but that's all. And suddenly, 2 days after, when I was stressed out at work, I started rethinking about it and imagining things, wondering if he is attracted to her and vice versa....
So I understood that for me stress can generate anxiety and anxiety often manifests itself by an increased insecurity toward other women. That's one way my anxiety shows up. Not the only one, but the most annoying for my relationship with my husband. If I had a high self esteem, it probably would not manifest itself that way.There would be something else probably.
So I need to
-learn to have more self-esteem (I am improving there)
-learn how to control my anxiety so that it does not gets out of control and manifests itself via jaleousy or anything else. I am thinking cognitive-behavioral therapy.

i have the same problem

I can relate to everything that each of you has said and it is destroying my relationship I know. My problem has now gone on a step further because my partner denies looking at women the way that is generally understood about how men look at women. Now I know that some women would say that they look at men in a sexual way, for example their bum. I also know that many women do not, I am one of those women. I have scoured the internet and all I see is confirmation that men do look at women's bodies sexually, they like to look at their breasts or their bums and get aroused by doing so. The usual explanations are there, men from mars, women from venus, their hard wired to do so etc.etc.

My partner says that this is just stereotypes. He says that he has no inclination to look at a woman's body parts but he has sexual pleasure from looking at me, so how does that come about? He says that he can feel this way in a relationship but not towards strangers in the street. He says he never has looked at women this way and that when he has been unattached there may be a physical element to his attraction but this is that a woman has an overall slim body and is generally in proportion but that he doesn't oggle or lust body parts. He said he never has and when he hears men comment on women in this way he never saw the big deal. I tend to think that he has more respect for women and therefore suppresses his natural urges and tries to control them. He says he would know if he did and that he is just not interested. He says that if he sees a woman who is attractive he knows it but that is all it is but that he does not get a thrill if she is scantilly clad or naked, he says if they are pretty and they are for example topless he thinks " pretty naked woman showing her breasts" but he does not get aroused or turned on.

So now I have the added problem of torturing myself thinking he is lying to me. If he is lying to me we do not have a relationship. If he is lying I know it is because he thinks I will end the relationship, but there is no relationship anyway, the relationship would be a lie. Even if it is painful to hear the truth from him I would rather hear it and get help to accept it or if I can't get better end the relationship for both our sakes and forget about relationships in the future. He is so passionate and convincing at the time when he tells me that this is how he is that I think for a while he must be telling me the truth. Then I get doubts again and find all the sources of information and views from men that contradict everything he tries to make be believe. I don't ever want to hurt him, all of you who have the same problem will know it is an illness that we just can't stop. He has the free will to walk away. I have asked him to tell me the truth, he knows how lies hurt me, it is more important than the problem of how he looks at women because we would not have a relationship. I sometimes think that I make the issue of how he looks at women bigger than it is in his eyes so he tells me he doesn't because for him it means nothing. I have suggested this to him and asked him to tell me how it is if it is not like I see it, he still says there is nothing to tell.

I would appreciate anyone's view on this. I really do need to know if there are any men who believe my partner could be telling me the truth although I think the general view of men would be that he is lying to me. Like I said there is loads of evidence that he cannot think this way and so far one, him, who says he does not. How can I ever begin to believe him with all these odds stacked against him. Whilst I have the smallest seed of doubt (that he has put there) I dont know what to do.

Much appreciated

Alisa.

Wow, this is exactly how I am!
I think that it has a lot to do with self esteem.
I try to remember something my boyfriend told me. He said something to the effect of, "the Venus de Milo was sculpted to be the perfect woman, but how can the perfect woman be a statue?" then he explained that I'm real and I can offer him real things not the hope of real things. I also think about the girls in real life. My BF has LOTS of friends who are girls and I must say that many of them could be considered more attracvtive then I am.
He has assured me time and again that he cares for me and only me and I believe him. So, I did the only thing that would make my jealously slow its pace. I stopped thinking about it. It is really hard to not worry or become concerned, but it is the best thing for you.
The situation of being in a movie is a tough one. I don't know what I would do faced with that situation.
I think that if there is a reason to worry, then worry about it and, if he does pull something, realize that you are more than what he deserves. And besides, if he was to run off with a girl just because she looks good? Well, he's just cheapening himself and her, you are the better person.
Good luck!

If you need to increase your self esteem, please check this site out http://www.womensjourney.org/ They are dedicated to help increase women self esteem. I was in a real bad shape when I stated with them and now I feel a lot more confident!

Best of luck!

It's nice to hear I'm not the only one going crazy inside! I seriously live in a prison of insecurity around my boyfriend; it's torture. I think mostly it started because of his porn habit--I never had a problem with porn before we dated and before I realized he viewed it all the time. Going through his history and watching what he watched would give me those anxious, heart racing feelings you all are talking about. I would sit around and cry and freak out about the girls he looked at and compare myself to them. He did this for a couple of years and we constantly fought about it and it was like an endless cycle of him viewing porn, me withholding sex (I seriously couldn't bring myself to let him see me naked after this; it wasn't out of "punishment"), and on and on. He has not looked at porn for about 6 months now ( he has no internet anymore ). He finally stopped after I broke up with him, and so I took him back. He has definitely changed, for which I am grateful. He's never really looked at girls in front of me or made comments, and he has always been attracted to me and told me I'm beautiful. He's such a good boyfriend other than the porn thing, that it made me feel like a crazy asshole for being so obsessed with it. I used to be extremely confident and sure of myself and even enjoyed watching films with pretty girls and commented on their beauty (sincerely) around men and boyfriends. Now I am the most insecure, jealous woman you will ever meet. Like many of you, I watch his eyes in public. When we watch movies together with attractive women (especially nude scenes) I cry, and I feel hopeless. I try not to let him see. I say things like, "She's your type, huh?" and I constantly complain about the apparent need for hot, naked women in movies. I obsess about nude scenes throughout the whole entire movie, which ruins it for me. I don't even know what's going on in the movie. I pull away from him if he touches me during said movies and accuse him of being turned on by these women, and thinking of them while he touches me. I take prescription painkillers or xanax to numb these feelings while we're watching movies or before we go out when I know there will be attractive women around. I really don't give a crap what he does when I'm on these! I wish this could be my state of mind all the time! Luckily I can't get my hands on them too often or I would have a more serious problem on my hands. (I end up taking about 1 or 2 a week). I hoard them for the worst of these occasions.

I go through his magazines and tear out ads with attractive women. I go to yoga, and he sometimes comes with me (he's a serious surfer and it helps him with his balance, coordination, flexibility, etc). I have panic attacks all throughout those yoga classes and constantly watch his eyes and the beautiful, tightly-clothed women surrounding us, comparing myself to them. Seriously, that is the worst, and completely defeats the purpose of yoga! Who has ever left a yoga class more stressed than they were going in!!

The porn really bothered me because of how fake the women are, I feel like he thinks that's what a vagina should look like (labiaplasty, anyone?) and those tiny, perfect nipples and huge, tanned breasts are what I should have (same with the girls in movies and magazines). And the perfect makeup and hair. But I tell myself he has been with real women before, who look like me, not the girls in magazines. But those women are what get him off! Those fake, perfectly airbrushed women. So if he could have whatever he wanted, it would be them. He doesn't have to settle for someone like me on the internet and in his fantasies. I don't think I will ever get over it, even though he has stopped, because I know that is what he really wants.

I wish I could believe all men are not like this, but after spending time scouring the internet for evidence of truth in this wishful thinking, I am more discouraged than ever. Either they are sex-crazed or a liar. I really, really with I could just be a lesbian. I miss being confident and not worrying about other women. I try to tell myself he is just a man; he really does have no more control over his desires than a monkey. He's lucky to have me (I know am the most attractive woman he's been with--see? There's that old confidence peaking out, ha ha). Appreciating the diverse beauty of humanity is a pleasurable part of being human, and we are all entitled to it; it shouldn't be a crime, it should be celebrated. But it's hard when men are such obviously drooling, lusty animals!

God it feels good to just type this all out to people who understand, instead of uselessly, uncontrollably crying about it to someone who never will.

Can anyone tell me why I feel sick in the stomach when my boyfriend comments on other woman?

I must admit I am happy not to be the only woman going through this. I want to thank all of you for sharing. I have many reason why I suffer from these issuea. My mother was openly insecure when I was growing up. Though she meant no harm it probably didn't help. I’ve had 3 long term relationships before being married. One in which my heart was broken and the 2nd was just toxic due to the 1st heart break. Long story short, the guy was cheating on me with a friend. And the 2nd one cheated on me as well. It took me YEARS to get over that. So anyway I'm 27 years old & with my husband who is 30 for over 4 years. My husband is a very good man and does his best not to cross certain lines. We've had bumps like everyone else but we've stuck it out. We're very happy together and love eachother dearly. My husband is not the type of guy to stare at girls or even know famous women’s names. Granted he is a people watcher but so am I. I have found porn on his computer a few times but not many. We've sat and spoke about it. I learned the best way to approach the insecurity is head on. I even opened up to the idea of discussing it with him. It actually turned into a very healthy conversation. Naturally he has crossed lines in the past before we were married. This took place about two years ago. He had a crazy ex-girlfriend who was a big problem for the 1st year we dated. But that died down. The biggest issue I had with him was going to hooters. He’d go mostly with his older guy friends, that are between the ages of 48-60. My husband always told me it was for the food and he could care less about the girls. I even when with him a few times in the past. He really didn't seem concerned with the girls. Just give him his wings and beer LOL. So I didn't mind it at 1st until he came home from a seven day bike trip and had pictures with the girls on his bike, and even pictures of the girls back sides. I even found out he went numerous times during that trip. I was shocked & crashed by his new behavior. My husband isn't normally the type of guy to be amused by these things. He has apologized for it ever since and regretted it. He told me it was just a stupid guy joke and it didn’t mean anything to him. It was as if he was embrassed not to because all of the guys were doing it. He informed me if he knew that it would have hurt me he wouldn‘t have even gone. I held on to that for a very long time and even now I disapprove of his “adventures“ with these group of guys. My insecurity level was at the max for years. It has gotten better with a lot of self talk and my husbands support. Even though in the past he didn’t understand the reasoning behind it. I’m grateful for him because of his patience to help me. I try to use logic as much as I can when I have a “moment“, but the obsessive attack takes control every so often. It has ruined my moods at parties, vacations, group outings‘, dinners with my husband, etc. For example we have a Christmas party tonight & I keep saying to myself "please no perfect hot women" LOL. I know childish but it's as if I do it without even realizing. Though I've been told I'm very pretty and my husband thinks I'm perfect the way I am. It’s as if I do not believe him or anyone else. I have the habit of seeing other women and comparing myself. I start getting these insane thoughts that he’ll like her breast, or hair, or legs, or anything on them better. I forever feel as if I am competing with women. It’s very hard to live this way and depressing at times. I see some women who do not care and I wish I could be the same way. I struggle with this battle day to day. But I’ve been winning more often. I guess the only advice I can give is try to be aware when you do it. Tell yourself “I’m beautiful and my husband/boyfriend loves me for who I am”. Try to love yourself more. Talk to yourself and say “I look pretty today”. Every little bit helps. I’ve also made a big life change to help improve how I feel about myself. I work out & eat healthier. I’ve lost 40 pounds in the last year. I won’t lie to you, I still have bad days, they are bond to happen. Don‘t let them ruin your progress. As long as you keep telling yourself you are great those bad days will get less and less. This insecurity we all carry is like a disease but ladies we can beat it. Just don’t give up!!