Insecurity about other women

I am like this too. I have anxiety as well, not only in that specific case, but in general. After talking to a therapist,I understood that this insecurity is actually a manifestattion of a more generalized anxiety, and low self esteem, but mostly anixiety. It helps to understand where it comes from. I started taking antidepressant too. It's not all gone but I'mmuch better.
I'd like to keep on talking about it. Let's keep this thread alive.


Caroline

It is helpful for me to read these, and like "guest" I hope that there are still some contributors around. My girlfriend and I both do the jealousy thing to each other, however she is much worse and she admits it. I want to understand it and try to get us over it totally because it creates tension and mistrust. It is misplaced and we both waste energy on it.

On a more general note, there's alot of media hype in North America that has created this jealousy epidemic, we're probably the first generation on the face of the earth that has had to deal with all these perfect bodies being thrown at us from every direction, tv, internet, magazines, papers, billboards...we're saturated like never before and our brains haven't adjusted.
I agree with an earlier contributor about the fact that most of the pressure is on women, but believe me, men can get jealous too.

I can't stand the thought of my girlfriend fantasizing and drooling over some stud. I do try to remind myself that there are plenty of men out there who are richer than me, with more attractive bodies than me, and/or with a more charming personality than me. If she wants one, she can leave me and try to land one. She hasn't yet and I hope she loves me enough to stick by me and my faults, just as I do with her. No doubt she feels the same. If we all just listened to the words of Stephen Still's song and loved the one we're with, we'd sure take alot of pressure off of ourselves.

A couple of thoughts from the male side, if I may. Looking at people is one thing, we all do it. However, gawking at a babe walking by, or regularly checking out porn of any kind has no place in a relationship. Don't put up with it, it is disrespectful to say the least. There are men out there who are capable of loving a woman inside and out with no room left for the vision of someone else's breasts, butt, legs or other parts. Some guys think they have to check out other women just because it's become a society norm. Then it becomes a habit that's tough to break. There's few checks and balances anymore and it becomes demeaning to all involved. But whatever the excuse, don't put up with it. If you catch him running his eyes up and down some implanted trollup, look for the nearest steroid infested gorilla and run your eyes up and down him. Hopefully you're mate will get the idea and you can both get back to running your eyes up and down each other.

Last but not least..... and alot of men probably don't admit it because it flies in the face of the movies/tv.........but alot of us don't want the media's version of the perfect woman. Some pudge feels great to many of us, love handles can be a real turn-on, a few skin imperfections are NOT a turn-off, big tits are grabable fixations left over from our infancy but they often just get in the way. Small breasts are very sexy to many of us. Perfection is intimidating and often phoney. Let the 10% of the population who are Ken and Barbies do their thing together, I'm not a Ken and I don't want a Barbie (regardless of whether or not I could even get one). If we are passionate with our partners and let him/her know that you're turned on, then you don't have to measure up to anyone else, he or she will be back to the exclusion of all others. And if not, let them go, you deserve better.

I disagree with one contributor,,,,,men and women often DO need each other, we just don't realize it until we find the right one.


Dave

Dave,

Very well said. I was the same guest that posted above there...hoping others were still around. I'm glad you posted. It's also to have a man's perspective as well. It was refreshing to hear some of the things you said. Often times I wonder why or what makes my husband love me b/c I hold up the physical aspects to be so much. It's hard for me to see what he apparently sees in me.I agree that porn has no place. In of my previous rships that was a big thing for the man and I think that is some baggage I'm carrying as well.

I desire no one else but my husband. I am 100% passionate for my husband and him alone. It's not just a physical thing/connection between us. Rationally I know he loves me and wants me but the minute the t.v. comes on my imagination goes into overdrive. It's hard to be in such a media drive society w/ such standards that we feel we must live up to...and that is how I feel. I feel anything less is unacceptable...although I know it's not just that. My mother is a perfectionist and I think her attitudes growing up spilled over onto me.

Whatever it is I'm trying and hoping to get get over it and work past it...because it Is all useless spent energy on stupidity when I really think about it. There are so many other more important things in life to think about, worry about, and so on. Unfortunately it feels very hard to get over b/c it becomes this pattern...where you don't even think about it...it just Happens. It becomes engrained in your mind and behavior. I know for the sake of my husband and my marriage I will do my damndest to get past it though.

I have to say I felt like I was a nut about this and no one else experienced this at all. What a relief.

I'm sorry, I skipped over Guest's other message. I'm glad we have a few people here now to talk. I really hope we do keep this thread going. That was interesting to hear about the therapist. I went once for depression in my early 20s but didnt find the meds to be effective Or the counseling. Also, it wasn't Just centered on this...this was the least of my troubles then. I wouldn't have guessed that it's mostly generalized anxiety though. Hmm.

I am the "guest" who wrote about the therapist and anxiety. I am registered now.

Yeah, apparently I always have had some level of anxiety, not knowing it was anxiety. It is mild most of the time. So mild that I always thought it was stress or nervosity. But a few years ago I got a few big anxiety "crisis" at two different periods of my life, both when I felt I was falling out of love of my boyfriend (it happened twice, once with one boyfriend, one with another one). I was 21 the first time. In both relationships I had jealousy problems. For nothing of course, but I was very insecure, low self esteem (way worse than now) and the slightest thing would make me very jealous toward other women. Lots of crying for me, incomprehension for the boyfriends seeing my overeactions. It went away when either the relationship ended or when I accepted the fact that I did not love the person anymore and was ready to break up. Then it did not matter anymore if they were looking at other women. In one case, I was the one who wanted to break up but did not find the strength to do it. I was even hoping he would cheat on me or something to get an excuse! Completely the opposite. Go figure. ':roll:'

Then 1 1/2 years ago, I met someone new. Someone wonderful. We knew almost immediately we would get married. And we did, last August ':D'. But at some point in our relationship, as I feared, I started having feelings of jealousy toward other women. His former girlfriends, his dates, his female friends he used to want to date but never did because they did not want to and they stayed "friend" (I think I'll write more on that part some day. I still have some issues...)
He was living in a fraternity house, being advisor for the undergrads. Of course there were lots of pretty skinny 18-20 year old girls all around the house, wearing skirts barely covering their butts (which I find indecent). The idea of him living in such a place, being around them all the time started to be unbearable ':evil:'. And that's also where he met a girl (before we met) he dated for a few weeks and who broke his heart. She played a big role in his life, for a loooong time. He could not get over her. Now he is over her. I made that happen apparently. But... she had red hair, which is what he likes. I have brown hair. Knowing that and knowing the way she influenced his life, I got jealous (and anxious) of women who are even remotely pretty if they have red hair. I tend to think (irrationally, I know) that if he looks at something he likes in another woman, it means it's better than what I have, whether it's her hair, her butt, boobs, whatever. I tend to focus my jealousy on red hair. Not only on that but I systematically become tense if there's a redhead around or in the street. I catch myself thinking "I hope he does not see her or does not look at her". If he is not around I think "I'm glad he is not here or he would see her and I would get jealous". Pathetic.
My therapy helps. Antianxiety pills help too when it gets too strong.

I know there many types of beauty and that if another woman is beautiful it does not mean I am less. But knowing that does not change the fact that's how I feel. Perhaps I should say "felt", but not quite yet. My husband made me realize that I am pretty too. It took me a long time to see it but he made me see it, and therapy helped me see the good in me and gain more confidence about who I am and the way I look. Apparently many men think I am very attractive. I don't (did not) really understand or see it. I just started noticing that men look at me in the street. I never noticed before. My husband tells me it happens all the time (and he's proud ':wink:' ). I just don't pay attention.

I realized my jealousy was very much anxiety-related when someday my husband was exchanging IMs with one of his female friends whom I've never met and he never talked about. The name on the IM was clarly a woman's name. Then I started feeling anxiety increase inside me. My breathing became shorter, faster, my throat became tight,I was almost hyperventilating. And I was thinking "who's this? Why haven't I heard about her before? Why doesn't he tell me what they're chatting about?" (by the way, I did not ask. I knew I was overreacting and did not want to enter into a fight by asking these questions to him). But then he saw I was not well and asked me what was going on. I explained. Told him the "truth": I was having an anxiety attack after seeing him chatting with a woman I did not know, but that I knew it was ridiculous, that he was not "cheating" on me or something, and that I did not want to fight with him about it. I was crying. And he understood my problem. He knows now it is anxiety-driven.

I talked to a therapist about it. I now have pills (xanax) to take when I feel it coming. It becomes rare. More in stressful work-related times. I am not saying it is the same for everyone who's jealous. For me, when it gets out of control and irrational, I know now that it is a form of manifestation of anxiety. I hope it will go away completely someday. It's not the case yet but at least I have a better control over it.

This was a long message but I wanted to share this. Any comments would be appreciated.
More to come later...

It looks like I'm not quite "healed".
Last night, my husband got an IM from one of his female "friends" he used to want to sleep with. Just to say hi and chat, nothing wrong. But I felt anxiety rising inside me once again.
I met her once and I had the feeling she did not like me. She actually has not been in touch with my husband since then (almost a year ago) although they used to be "good friends", whatever that means when a man wants to sleep with a girl who knows it and does not let him but keeps on staying around...
Perhaps is she jaleous because she knows she won't get as much attention from my husband as she used to, now that he has me and is not desperately looking for someone anymore. Perhaps am I paranoid and too anxious.

Anyway, it created anxiety again. And now that I calmed down it pisses me off more than causing anxiety. I think I feel it more like an attack directed toward me. My husband thinks I don't trust him and that's not true. I know he is faithful. He would not act in that direction. But think in that direction, yes. And that alone bothers me. I see her as someone who basically wants to play and tease my man. At least who used to and I'm afraid she'll do it again.

I asked my husband if it wouldn't make him a little jaleous if a man was flirting with me. He said no. As long as there's no touching and asking me out. He says he hopes it would make me feel good about myself and that he sees it as someone being friendly with me. I can't believe it's possible to be like that. I'd love to be like that but it's probably impossible for me. I would resent it as an attack. And flirting is not just bieng friendly to me.

What do you guys think?
I'd like to have opinions on this, not just peoplereading the post. It still hurts even after almost 1 year of therapy.

CDMLB

Hi Caro,

I am guest from a couple of posts ago...struggling w/ my hubby as well but not in that situation....just low self-esteem as I previously posted.

I know my hubby would not be ok w/ flirting. He knows I am not ok w/ him doing it...nor does he want to he tells me...he says i am the only one for him. It is a mutual respect kind of thing. When someone you love and who loves you knows that something that they are doing is hurting you they should stop doing it. That is my opinion. Maybe it means nothing to him but it means something to you and that should be enough reason for him to stop. And I find it hard to believe that he wouldn't be singing a different tune should the shoe be on the other foot. He can say that easily...but if that were the actual situation...someone flirting heavily w/ you I think his reaction would show otherwise...he just wants it to be ok for him to do...so he has to let it be ok for you as well. I don't blame you for being worried or feeling upset about this. I would be too. I don't know what to tell you...I"m no therapist and in some ways I am stuck in the same situation...as far as my doubts and such. Wish I could be of more help!

-C

Hi

Well, that's something I'll talk about in therapy this week.
I did not even think that he could be saying that it's ok if someone flirts with me because he wants me to be ok with him doing it in case it happens. So that reassures me and I can tell myself "you see, you trust him otherwise you would already have thought about that." And I am telling myself (I don't want to offend you "guest", I'm just "thinking aloud") that this idea comes from someone who is having self esteem issues and therefore I should not even pay attention to it. On the other hand, oyu remark made me think about it and wonder... Which shows my trust is not complete and my own self esteem has not improved as much as I thought.

Sigh...

C-

I understand. I'm just thinking...that he wants you to be ok and not have a prob w/ it...and if it were to pop up on your end...and he wasn't okay w/ it...then you could easily say it's a double standard which it obviously would be. He could also just be the nonchalant non-jealous type of man...that could be as well...it's usually rare...most men get jealous to an extent...but that could be it. I cannot say as I don't know him or what he's like like you do.

I hope that some of you are still around to read this.

I am currentlyl in a long distance relationship and the distance has caused me to realize how many fears I have. My boyfriend is great. He doesn't check out other girls in front of me. He doesn't comment about other girls. He compliments me a lot and we have a great sex life. I am 21 so I know I should still be feeling fun, sexy, and young. Sometimes I do, but when I look at other girls, I don't.

For me it's not the women in the media. I know they aren't real. Most of the guys I have dated have not been interested in famous people; most agree they are fake and not what they really want. For me it is real women walking around all the time. It's the girl working at the clothing store. It's his old high school friend. It's his ex girlfriends. Any girl he could come in contact with. I'm also afraid that when we make love and his eyes are closed, that he might be fantasizing about someone else.

When he lived in my city and we lived together, things were perfect. I knew where he was 24/7 so these jealous thoughts never entered my mind. Before we dated, I didn't even want a serious relationship. I was instantly drawn to him though when I met him. I used to have all the control. There was never a guy who could make me jealous because I had control of my feelings.

I do believe that I have generalized anxiety disorder, although I have not formally discussed this with a counselor. I just know. I worry about everything and am always worrying about something. When someone mentioned this is tied to anxiety, it kind of made me feel better. I can relate to the shaking, sweating, and weakness you get when you feel threatened by another woman.

This jealousy has caused so many fights. In my mind, I can think of any scenario that could happen. My imagination is running wild constantly. As soon as I think I have a handle on these fears, one little thing could trigger it (like when my boyfriend said he had a poster of sexy girls in his closet HIS CLOSET! I still freaked out). Since I can't prove that he wont leave me, my fears seem substantiated or rational. But another side of me says I am hurting myself by thinking this way.

This is such a powerful feeling...jealousy. I don't even like to call it jealousy. Jealousy means there is actually something threatening a person. It's more like insecurity because it came out of nowhere.

My boyfriend and I have made arrangements for me to move across the country and live with him. He wants this as much as I do, but he has clearly stated I better not have any jealous episodes or our relationship will be in trouble. He simply can't handle it.

I don't know how to fix this. I hope that we can also keep this thread open and try to help each other. If anyone is interested in starting a Yahoo group for this issue I would be happy to start one. It is such a painful thing to experience. It's hard for anyone else to understand and there are few people to talk to about this.