Insecurity about other women

Hi
i am so glad i found this thread. I also get jealous when i see a woman with better looks and figure than i have. Maybe it stemmed up from my past when i was constantly getting bullied and called insulting and hurtful words such as " ugly, worthless, fat' nobody wants you. I was a fat child growing up and i was bullied till a point i got psychotic depression and even committed suicide. The worst was after i lost the weight, no men gave me the attention. which i think led to more insecurity. i was with a guy who was not my boyfriend who kept looking at attractive women and saying things such as " uurrgh who will want to look at a fat old ugly woman". " No wonder her husband divorced her, she has become old fat and ugly. and that guy himself was fat old short and ugly.

I am really happy I found this. Since my first serious relationship (he used to constantly mention about other women's looks and often describe a woman based on her looks) I have been dealing with major insecurity issues. He would also check out other women especially in the beginning of the relationship. Thank God that relationship ended, but I feel like I have leftover residue still lingering. I constantly worry about tv shows, movies, and music videos. I worry about what kind of women are going to be in them and if there is going to be some sort of nudity. I would turn away watching movies even if they have the slightest bit of partial nudity. When I am single, I have no problem watching this stuff, but in a relationship I drive myself crazy. I still have the insecurities when I'm single, but I don't really worry about them and they really don't stop me from watching or doing anything. I've learned to somewhat cope with this problem in my current relationship by avoiding that stuff as much as possible. My boyfriend is a great guy and I don't think its his fault that I am really insecure in this relationship. He compliments me constantly and is faithful with his eyes and words. A sweet guy, but I worry constantly what he is thinking when he sees attractive women in movies or anything. I don't know what to do anymore about this and I'm terrified to tell him about my insecurities because I don't know how he is going to react. He does suspect already that I am insecure, but we have never bluntly talked about it specifically. I've gotten on his case many times about what movies he would choose to watch or why and I don't think its fair for me to do that. I'm stuck at a dead end with this problem and often I cry myself to sleep (which is pathetic, but I feel like s***). I am a really attractive woman and my boyfriend let's me know all the time. I find myself not believing compliments given to me and often feel not good enough. Who would want a girl with these kind of problems? That is a always a fear of mine and maybe a big reason why I am afraid to openly talk about it with my boyfriend. I am really glad I found that there are so many other women with this problem. It's a bit of a relief that someone else can relate to me. If anyone has found a successful solution/cure to this please please let me know!

Hi, I'm so relieved to have found this....but also disappointed because nobody seems to have any answers

I'm 36 and have been married to my lovely husband for just over a year. At the start of our relationship (he left his partner of 15 years for me) I felt like I was his everything and although I've always been insecure and paranoid, I felt like it was under control. NOT ANY MORE...

About 18 months ago, I found stuff on our pc and on his phone. Basically sexual stuff. I totally lost the plot. I felt like my world had ended. I suddenly felt like I wasn't enough for him, I felt betrayed and hurt and I still do. Since then I snoop through all his stuff, I hate it if a sexy woman is on the tv or in a newspaper . I feel ugly, fat and I hate myself.

I feel anxious in his company, my heart races and I feel like i'm going to pass out if i'm not in control of a situation. Ive turned into an absolute monster. I constantly accuse him of looking at other woman when we're out.

I've spoken to him about how I feel and he says he's sorry. In his last relationship there was no sex and he had relied on the internet to get his relief He says he was almost addicted to it Could this be true or is he just making excuses??

I have no female friends and refuse to make any because I don't want anybody coming into contact with my husband. My life has stopped, I don't enjoy anything. I envy people that can sit and watch a film and not have any concerns.

I am going to see my gp at 5.30 today to see if he will consider referring me to a counsellor. My husband is very supportive and understanding but I fear I will drive him away if I carry on like this.

THIS HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE AND I CANT REMEMBER WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO FEEL 'NORMAL'

Anybody else going through the same, you have my deepest sympathy

Hi, I also have big issues like others that have posted previously on this site. The issues to some may sound really silly and i feel that they are but i cant phsically feel any different, how i feel is how i feel. I have problems with tv and movies, pretty much all media that contains any sex or nudity. It is driving me round the bend. I have to check everyday what is going to be on tv and i have to check out the content of any movies that we may watch and if there is the slightest bit of sex or nudity then we will not watch it. Unfortunately i cannot always find out whether there will be sex or nudity shown (and i do lots of research to try and find out) as it is not always mentioned in advance so if i am unsure of the content we will not watch it. He has recorded a few programmes and if i am not happy with the content i delete them so he cant watch them. I now decide what we will watch and if he doesnt like it then in my opinion, tough.
Throughout my 20 year marriage I didnt have a problem with any sex or nudity, in the early years of the marriage we even occasionally viewed porn but this was something we had done together, like everything in our 20 years together we did things together and we were a team, until a year and a half ago I found that the hubby had been secretly viewing porn behind my back in the evenings whilst i was in the same room as he was. Also there were a couple of sexually explicit programmes he had been recording and viewing them in the morning before he would go to work. Then came the lies, which has now caused me to obviously have issues with trust, not that i think he has gone off and had an affair but that i dont trust what he says as he found it so easy to lie over and over again about the porn. The porn thing has baffled me and has hurt my feelings because it has never been something that he has been that bothered about and the nights we were sat bored of an evening he was ............ How i see it is that before I didnt feel that he was interested in viewing sex and nudity so we would watch anything and now i realise that he does have an interest i am refusing to watch anything that contains sex or nudity, it physically makes me feel very anxious and makes me feel sick. I thought that I would get over this but it has been a year and a half and i dont feel any different, i am still angry about the porn and he has not viewed it since i found out. I dont go out and refuse to socialise. On the occasion we do go out I am very particular where we go. I now hate going on holiday and in fact next year i have only agreed to go as we are going to stay in a villa and i can isolate myself from everyone. These issues are ruining my life and would love to be the person i once was as i have trouble concentrating and have felt like i have been living on a different planet for the last year. I have been to the doctor and counsellor but i feel let down as it has not made me feel any better at all. I feel like i am now going to be like this for the rest of my life. I cope with how i feel everyday, but coping is hard work.

As a women who is visually stimulated (men aren't the only ones), I have also found myself gawking at attractive looking men. So yes, it works both ways. He has probably worried about losing you to "better'" man at some point in your relationship too, though it's not something people like to admit so you probably won't hear it from him. It's quite rare for anyone to have that truly unshakable confidence.

Yes, he is looking at her, but that necessarily mean that he wants her? Perhaps. But probably not at as badly as you think he does. Every time a man sees a woman, he thinks of sex. What it would be like with her, what she might look like naked etc etc. What you are killing yourself over is that you think she will then become stuck in his mind when in truth, it all ended the moment she totally passed him. It was a short meaningless moment that he probably won't even remember.

The female form is divine, so of course they are going to be admired. It's not only women who are around the malls and the streets, but as the competitive female, they just so happen to be the only ones you notice. Same with insecure males who sees other males as potential threats. You were so caught up in your own insecurities and watching other women that you didn't notice the men that were checking YOU out too.

If any woman caught her man gawk at other women, it's only natural for her to become upset to some extent. However, if the the anger/jealousy exceeds the day of occurrence, trust issues can begin manifest (relationship killer). I'm no shrink, but this is an issue that can only be solved if you believe in your spouse. He probably not as bad as you think he is.

The truth is simply that you will never know if/when he is going to leave or, if he does, you can not stop him. Your fears will only be in vain. Just as death is inevitable. We may cry or laugh our way to the grave, but it's the same outcome either way. The psychological stress is quite unnecessary and bad for you both. As hard as it is, just learn it let go and let things be. Your spouse will thank you for it and your lives will be much easier.

Knowing is one thing, but truly believing it can prove to be a difficult task. The truth is useless if it's not true to YOU. There will never be shortage of beautiful women/men, that is a fact. But another fact is that your man is still with you. Smart men won't risk losing a good woman to scratch a temporary itch, but he will if your persistent anger/jealous drives him to.

One more thing, while men look at nudity/porn and may think it's "sexy", it's just a fantasy. Sex in real life is not perfect. Besides I highly doubt that most men would be comfortable with his woman's "lady bits" being on public display for all to see. They are natural egotists.

(English is not my mother language so please disregard any minor grammatical errors)

I am so glad that I am not the only one! Me and my husband have been together for 3 years. I have NEVER once heard about him thinking other women were "hot" or "sexy" or whatever. I mean we are all alive and kicking so of course we ALL know when we see a beautiful person when we see them. However, to me there is a HUGE difference in running across someone you think looks nice at the store, or on tv than it is to go out and buy magazines that are half naked skanky women. I never thought I would have the issue arise until about 4 days ago. I found this years sports illustrated swim suit edition under his side of the bed when I was looking for something. I was furious that one he would hide it from me, two he bought it, and just the fact he had it. I confronted him NICELY about it and he got on the defense about how it isn't a big deal and it is no different than looking at people on TV...I think it is. I don't think you purposefully go out and buy a magazine with nasty women in it to go sit and do your self deeds with. It makes me feel insecure, not good enough, and like I need to look like these women to make him happy. He thinks it is ridiculous, but I can't help how it makes me feel. Believe me I have tried. This is the first time this has happened because we just recently moved in together. I am sure this has happened way more than once bc he has never had to hide it from someone or whatever. I don't want him doing it, but I feel if I tell him I don't then he will just do it and hide it even better. It is just terrible how everything has to be about sex appeal. :/ I feel like men should not purposefully look at things like that when they are in a relationship, especially married. Does anyone have advice as to how to handle it? Not get so upset? Or just anything. I know everyone says it is a man's nature...but I don't believe that crap. I think that is just an excuse that everyone is allowing to be a "reason" Like I said, I do think other people are attractive or whatever...but I WOULD NEVER go out and get a magazine with nothing but guys in it just to fantasize and do the self deed with it...uhg I just need some guidance with it because I hate even the fact of him getting off to other women. Oh and trust me our sex life is through the roof so that isn't a reason either. I swear we have sex more some days than normal people have in a week. So that has nothing to do with this at all.

Hello I have the same problem and I really need help because its killing my relationship. I am against movies and music videos that include nudity or just music videos that have chicks in lingerie or bikini dancing. Help pls

A lot of women feel this way, including me of course. I can totally relate. I have asked my friends about this and what they advised me to do is engage in other social activities such as sports, etc. to meet more people that will appreciate me. It’s not a psychological disorder, as they said. Just a problem with confidence.

I worked with relationships (about 95% women actually) for many years and this topic came up regularly. Tough as it is to live with, it's actually relatively easy to fix. The overwhelming emotional response to certain stimuli (other women) drives the thought processes with such power that the cycle rapidly becomes habitual, often spreading into different and wider areas. For example from porn to 'normal films' containing women. Ex girlfriends to co-workers. Thus it is a pattern of behaviour that when left untreated generally spirals downwards.

Many women have commented in this thread that although they're happy they are not the only ones to suffer with this - nobody has put forward any reasoning behind it or offered a solution... well not yet anyway.

The solution lies in self-awareness. You all know how it feels when it happens and how you respond to those feelings. However, the question is - does it serve you and your relationship? If the answer is no then you should do something about it. Once you become self aware as to how the 'process' works, it becomes easy to change. I'm talking a matter of hours for a permanent shift in how you think and feel.

Here's some reading which will help you to understand HOW you work and how your feelings are generated. You'll be astounded at how it happens... and grateful you took the time to look. Don't worry about the 'anxiety label' as it's the PROCESS you need to understand.

http://www.anxiety-disorder-symptoms.co.uk/how-to-deal-with-anxiety.html

Feel free to link to any of our information - it's there because we want people to understand their problems.

i am also very happy i found this, as i thought it was just me. it drives me absolutely insane that i feel this way. sounds ridiculous but i was watching game of thrones and seeing emilia clarke naked just did it for me, so it's on pause and i googled insecurity, low self esteem, and found this ideal match.

watching game of thrones ALONE, by the way. my boyfriend and his friend made a reference to her being really fit and showing me a naked photo of her the other day and it made me flip.

my boyfriend was always on at me to watch it and halfway through the first episode, i've already seen about 5 naked women?! so ridiculous! this also connects to my lack of trust i have an issue about, as i know what he's like and it makes me feel sick watching it even now.

i understand that i'm rambling it's just so hard to get these words out as you obviously understand. when convulsions like what i've just mentioned happen it's like i see red and my mind flashes and i become really, really, upset and depressed. it's making my life hell.

i feel like i'm constantly comparing myself to other women and i can't go on like it anymore. by other women i mean friends of mine, friends of his, people on tv, people in the street i don't know.

i'm sorry but the anxiety link didn't work. we need to learn how to build confidence.