Insecurity about other women

Well, it's me again.. I posted here last year (same month! Very indicative of how this flares up especially bad in Spring / Summer), when I was suffering terribly with this, and here I am again, still. I turned 30 this year and I relapsed into my eating disorder because I've been so terrified of not being pretty enough for this summer. I lost 2 stone in weight and got back into a healthy weight but it's not good enough. I will never be pretty enough.

I've been feeling extremely suicidal over this the past 2 weeks since the weather got much warmer here, and I've been debilitated with jealousy and insecurity to the point where I can't even leave the house. Sometimes I leave the house, but I have to run home and self-harm if I see too many attractive women who look better than me. It's also got to the point where if I'm out walking with my boyfriend, I will decide that we need to walk apart and take different routes to get to the same destination because walking alongside a man who I love who can just look at any other women is just completely and absolutely intolerable.

It's almost too painful even for me to think about, and reading the post above mine ripped me apart. I can't live like this. I can't. I can't live being at all "okay" in the knowledge that my boyfriend will always look at other women. I can't.

I'm getting psychotherapy next week. I hope it helps.

I'm glad I found this thread, too. I'm 31, I'm in a great relationship with a guy I've been dating for three years and living with for two. He's quite a bit younger: almost 27. I've been in some #######5 relationships in my 20s and had jealousy issues, but that was mainly because past boyfriends gave me reasons to be jealous, with outright cheating, porn-watching, or just not committing and otherwise making me feel insecure.

This guy has been nothing but great to me and I am pretty sure he is "the one" as they say, but despite how nice he is and how much we click, I find myself absolutely seething over comments he made years ago re: his ex-girlfriends, about women he said were hot, about wanting to have a threesome, about getting a lap dance at a strip club (I cannot stand to think of these past girls at all -- it drives me crazy, but I also think about them more than I care to admit). Picturing him with other women, mainly his exes (many of whom I've met since we live in a small town, and he used to go for coffee regularly with one of them) upsets me so much. If I so much as a see a Facebook post with one of them in it my whole day is turned upside down...my throat closes up and I get teary-eyed.

I'm a smart, funny person and men have always liked me, but I am very insecure about my body and looks. I think I'm fairly pretty, and I'm very fit -- I work out a lot -- but I have scoliosis, so my back is quite curved, and I have very small breasts, barely an A-cup on a good day (haha). I hate being naked, I hate anyone seeing me naked. I hate how my chest looks, I hate how my back looks...I wish I could have sex without ever having to take my top off or be looked at. If I'm showeing and he hops in I try to face away from him because I can't stand him seeing my body in full light like that. Every time we have sex I want the lights off, and lately I don't even want to have sex at all. It's gotten worse over time.

One of the big things that drives me crazy is that my boyfriend loves shows such as Game of Thrones that are full of tiny, model-gorgeous, and needless to say straight-backed and big-breasted women who are often fully nude. He says the ol' cliche "I watch it for the story," but knowing he's watching this stuff makes me never want him to see me naked again. I'm especially self-conscious about my breasts -- if he's always looking at these huge, full, naked breasts, how could he like mine? I've told him how I feel and he just doesn't get it or care...he makes me feel like my concern is not valid and that I'm being unreasonable for even thinking about it, so we haven't talked about it in about a year. Every time there's a new season of GOT I can't help it: I look up the nude scenes so I know what HE'S going to see. Preparing myself for my competition, almost. I know it's crazy. With other shows or movies too, I don't want to watch them with him if I know there's going to be naked women in it.

I've dated a couple of guys who have made me feel great about my body -- guys who clearly actually love small breasts and have been all over me, making me feel sooo sexy. This guy touches my boobs out of duty, it feels like. I can tell he doesn't care about them or have much interest...he constantly compliments my ass, my lips, my legs, my eyes -- but all of this is somehow meaningless to me because I know he'd prefer a girl with a nice full set of boobs he could play with. And yeah, looking at endless naked women on TV...he can't unsee that, right? That kind of thing stays in your head. It feels so unfair that he gets to see that over and over, and there are never naked men on shows, or rarely. Not that he would feel the same way I do about his seeing naked women -- my boyfriend now doesn't seem to be jealous at all. He's very confident and doesn't mind hearing about my exes.

There's no one I can talk to about this. My friends don't get it, it's not the sort of thing I can say to family members, and I can't talk to him about it because he makes me feel insane or just laughs it off, but it's eating me up. Help!

I know that everyone has said this at the beginning of their posts but it is such a relief to know that you're not alone in feeling this way. I hate how irrational and 'crazy' my thoughts are about this topic but reading that others have felt a similar way helps. Although these feelings aren't healthy, they are at least common with others and that makes them somewhat more normal.

I wanted to post for Oceane and PhoebeC in particular as you both have very different struggles yet I can relate to you both. Most days these thoughts are all consuming and they just run inside your head and make you hate yourself more and more. Maybe it's a self confidence issue, maybe it's trust, OCD, anxiety. Game of Thrones has come up a lot in this thread and one of my goals is to be able to watch this show with my partner without any of the feelings of self-hatred or fear. That goal is a long way off yet though, maybe I won't even get there but I'm posting on this thread because I want to try and get there, and I want to support others to get there too.

The problem with that is, none of us know which direction to turn or have tried and failed with suggestions. Some have mentioned therapies - what do these do to help with these thoughts? Graded exposure sounds logical to me but I wouldn't know where to start or even if I am brave enough to start. I know that communication with my partner is the one thing that has helped a little so far but I really want to stop this taking over my life and all of yours too.

I'm struggling to leave the house again and I got upset after my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him this morning. I'd have loved to, so, so, so much. I miss our walks terribly, and I felt so upset and angry at myself that I just can't do it. I'm too frightened of going out and attractive women being around outside, but also I can't handle the upkeep* required to leave the house on a day like this.

Upkeep* - Meaning that I "feel much better", or I "feel much more confident" about myself when I'm wearing certain clothes: usually those tiny denim shorts you see young girls wearing lately, and a feminine top. The thing is, those clothes may as well be a costume to me. I don't feel myself in them, I don't feel comfortable in them, and I certainly don't wear them out of the freedom of my own personal choice or desire. I feel like I literally have to wear them in order to compete with the women around me, or else I'm a plain, ugly, invisible, dowdy tomboy. I also feel like exactly what I am in those instances: a 30 year old woman attempting to look like a teenager. A 30 year old, hideously insecure woman, trying to compete with teenage girls. If I just wear what I feel comfortable in, I'll feel much, much worse because there I am, this frumpy piece of crap, walking among teenage girls all out in their pretty girl costumes, so I feel like I have to.

I got kind of snappy with my boyfriend, because he was almost trying to make a case for why these "costume" clothes "aren't so bad... It's hot out, it's summer, people wear shorts...." And I'm sat there like... dude, there are "shorts", and then there are these short-as-f**k, ass-cheek-revealing, annoying-as-f*** daisy dukes...... But I was also thinking..... omg of course you see no problem with the slutty outfits.... because clothes like this are pretty much designed with the male gaze in mind, not my comfort, f*** off!........

I told him I wished he could have seen photos of me when I was around 14, when I started dressing myself in a way representative of who I truly am. I was extremely masculine and my parents hated it. There was always this vibe coming through their words to me that I was "wasting" myself, my beauty, my femininity, or whatever, and that "you should get a nice dress, you have such a nice figure..." etc, etc. I was much more the pure version of myself back then, but it all went seriously wrong when I started to want a boyfriend. Wanting a boyfriend ruined me this way because I knew no one would want a woman who looks like what boys thought were lesbians, just by how they dressed. So I grew my hair long, dyed it blonde, and tried to become more used to putting on "costumes" so that I'd be worthy of love.

A huge block to my recovery is the fact that, yes, there are my mental illnesses and messed-up upbringing and life experiences which made me this way..... BUT, then there's also cultural beauty standards....... and then there's constant media pressure screaming at us to look a certain way or else we're invisible, nothing, or the subject of mockery......... and then even after that, there's "biology": the mind that men are "naturally" wired to be attracted to whatever, this, that, and the other, and that's that....

It isn't just my mental illness which is having an extreme effect on me: it really is the world around me. How on Earth am I supposed to recover from that? How can I be successful in this fight when there are way too many to one? So I just think, I really stand no chance at "recovering" from something so deeply ingrained in our culture. It's too all-consuming and overpowering a thing for me to pretend doesn't exist.

I'm probably going to be using this thread quite a lot in the future. I can't see myself getting any better at all.

I'm insecure about women too... But I'm a guy. I have super low self esteem, and have had only one short term relationship my whole life so far (4 and a half months). (I'm 27 currently) It's been the self esteem that has kept me from getting into more relationships, I'm pretty sure. It's really sad.., I get pangs in my chest when I see beautiful women, because it reminds me of what I feel society is telling me I can't have. Basically, I've been a shy nerd growing up, with super low self esteem. When I see a beautiful women it just reminds me that I'm that I can't get that, that compared with other men I'm not valuable enough for that. I can't walk through a large city like NYC without getting pangs in my chest. I know its driven by my self esteem, but I haven't been able to fix it yet. Maybe some day I will value myself enough to not be affected this much.

hi i don't know if this thread is still active but i'm so happy i found it . My issues started when my partner of 5 years starting making sarcastic comments about the way i look then i found he had been watching porn. He swears he no longer does but in this respect i don't know if i can believe him. i too get upset and angry when he watches films with nudity in them, he doesn't really respect how i feel and says he s an adult he can watch what he wants which is true i suppose but the fact he does it knowing it upsets me makes me feel like crap . Its interesting how through reading this thread a lot of us have in common our partners watch or have watched porn .

I was sorting out a bunch of xbox games my boyfriend wants me to sell on ebay. One of his games was Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball, the same game my ex use to jerk off to. My current boyfriend was trying to justify this game like it somehow wasn't fap-material, even saying how this married couple we know used to play it together as though casual play of this non-sexual game was the most normal thing in the world.

My response was crying until my eyes hurt and going back to self-starving / eating disorder habits.

I don't have an issue with porn at all, but I feel like porn should be reserved for the appropriate time and place. It's this permeating, oozing, borderline gaslight-level of blurring the lines between porn and general vanilla entertainment that absolutely and completely messes me up. I feel like I'm being tricked into accepting porn and unrealistic beauty standards into casual, everyday nonsexual contexts, as though that standard wants to completely permeate its way into everything and be everywhere. I have my boyfriend justifying it, I have other people say they "like it", and so therefore I simply have to accept it, because otherwise somehow I'M the messed up, unhealthy one who has to change and question their behavior, and also I'm just "not cool". LIKE OMG WE CAN'T HAVE THAT NOW CAN WE?? #mentalillness #burnthewitch

I feel like if I live in a world where it IS truly normal for men to casually play this kind of massively sexually objectifying trash, then it's also normal for me to react how I have. If my boyfriend is at all sad that I've reacted in the way I have, then I think maybe HE should suck it up. I've had to suck up the behavior of men like this for so long. If I must "just accept" that this is the way things are and men play this and expect everything to be fine, then now it's time to accept that you can't have your cake and eat it too. There are finally now consequences for HIM, rather than just me, and it's the form of seeing your girlfriend be hurt by what you're trying to shove down my throat.

I've been getting on well with my recovery, but now this. The way I see this is like I'm just responding to a corrupt world with corrupt behaviors, because I see no way how I should respond to this in a "healthy" way? What even is the healthy way? Acceptance? I don't believe that. It's too much. This doesn't feel like something I ought to involve in my recovery. I feel like a line should be drawn between what actually defines recovery and what defines indoctrination into a toxic culture.

I'm back to the point where I'm feeling massively cold and ambivalent toward my boyfriend, our relationship, and even just questioning whether or not I even want a boyfriend at all if it means I'm just going to be in a perpetual battle with this constant onslaught of ridiculous, sexually objectifying nonsense.

Relationships with men at this point seem more like an endurance test than anything else.

Like - How badly do you want to be loved by a man? / How much of their behavior can you put up with?

"Remembering that you are only responsible for yourSELF. If whilst you are working on things you need to avoid full on nudity in front of him/you, fair enough.. also if you have religious reasons for wanting not to view this stuff then you need to share this with your partner and work out whether you can agree on something or at least compromise fairly. (still respecting each others views). It is a touchy one and our men don't understand our insecurities. We both have a responsibility - US to love ourselves more and realise we are already everything we need which will lessen the pressure on our men, and the Men to understand how we might feel and therefore be less obvious in their awareness of sexy/attractive women, respecting us with their behaviour. I wish you the best of luck and there is so much more I could say, but you may think this is all gobbledygook anyway??? I just hope that some of this at least may help you... You are not alone, and you are completely ok as you are, with or without anyone else's approval. Just love yourself first and trust that you dont need anything but what you already are, just look within.."

I had this epiphany last night. It should be common sense, as I now suffer these same fears and phobias after multiple online infidelities on his part. As women, we are usually a caretaker, taking the reigns for everyone else first, and seeing ourselves as an afterthought. I need to rearrange my priorities. I should come first with my own emotional health and healing. I don't need anyone elses validation.

It's been 12 years since the original post, so I'm not sure if I'll get a response. I do feel your pain, as the cliché goes.

At the risk of getting into too much personal detail, I grew up in a fairly high-stress household. The mother was insistent that my sisters and I be "competitive," and that we more or less live the life she wasn't able to live on her own. My sisters were much engaged students and much better athletes than I; academics and athletics were my mom's focus areas. For better or worse, appearance and clothing were downplayed to such an extent that my mother would express pride in one sister's lack of interest in clothing and makeup. We also moved fairly often.

While that upbringing has had at least one distinct advantage -- not being particularly interested in academics, I've found out how to make a living doing something practical and not at all related to any formal education I endured -- it's also contributed to my heck on earth over my appearance and desirability.

I get very depressed and jealous at the mere mention of Attractive Woman X, Y, or Z. At some level, I understand that even AWX/Y/Z doesn't look like I think she does; at another, I know that I couldn't hold a candle to her, even if she had to rely on my makeup/hairstyling/wardrobe. I feel shame over not only my inability to live up to the beauty standard, but also about the insecurity I feel over that inability. For instance, I remember feeling almost physically ill listening to a lesbian former friend talking about how attractive she finds various famous women.

But what's even worse is the depression and jealousy I feel at the acknowledgement of the beauty of Everyday Woman X, Y, or Z. It is odd, because I have no problem being friends with attractive women, and I don't minimize their problems, even in my head -- even when those are Attractive Woman Problems. Still, it's very difficult for me to, say, go out in public with an attractive friend, simply because I know how awful I'll feel should her beauty be acknowledged in any way, shape, or form.

The therapist says I'm setting my standards for my own appearance way too high, and that I'm sort of like my mother except with a different focus.

I just don't see why the universe couldn't have coöperated and made me model material. Whereas I found it relatively easy to come to terms with my inability to succeed in the arts or find a higher-status career, my insecurity over my appearance sort of kills all the confidence I should have built by overcoming other obstacles.