Insecurity about other women

I thought I was over this, but reading the posts have shown me I'm not - I'm just better. When I was in my 20s (I'm 55 now) I would get upset when my husband would watch girls (movies, street, stores...). He was a jerk about it, so it was easy to blame him for just not being decent. Now, after a divorce at 38, and zoom ahead 17 years, I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man I love and trust and yes, unbelievably, there's still that insecurity. Except now, it's not with movies and strange girls on the street, it's with women he meets who are showing interest in him. In my defense, I feel like I should have the right to hiss and say back off he's mine. Like my feelings are instinctual (see Avatar, she protects her man). At 55, all kinds of women are interested in him. They've been divorced, are 10 years younger, they think they're cool, and they want my man. I've told friends I trust him - it's those women I don't trust. So why not defend my prize? Well, those women are not here at home when he gets home at night. It's just him that I antagonize with questions, all innocent like, "what's her name, oh that's a nice name. How old is she? Is she a cutie?" (smiley wink rib rib). I think I'm being sly, but it gets under his skin. It's pretty much the only thing he doesn't like about me.

I've tried to stop it; I've tried to medicate it. I've found there are probably "reasons" like my mom was jealous of me when I started becoming a woman - that probably reinforced my feelings that being insecure because of other women was natural; and I have taken herbs that relax (I take Ashwagandha at night); and I've even looked at women as objects of beauty myself, which helps (I have a classic nude image for my computer desktop background to remind me I too think the female nude body is beautiful, and I'm cool), use caution with this last one, I've actually grown more attracted to female nudes than male - which might actually be an aggravated symptom that I'm still insecure.

Yeah, this thing still nags at me, I'm puzzled, and embarrassed. When my new guy mentions some woman that he visited with somewhere, I am amazed at my private eye skills. I can find her identity and pictures and FB profile on the internet so fast the FBI would hire me. Once I find her profile, I seek out something about her that I think he won't like (it could take a lot of digging around), and then, I feel better and not threatened.

Was it Mom's insecurities about me, or is it all very normal? Is it hormonal and we all need some progesterone or an herb? Is it instinctual for us and men need to get it that if we like them, we're liable to rip off that other woman's head and we're within our rights? I don't know. Ideally, we should only need to voice our concerns to the woman who thinks she might want him - not to him (again, see Avatar). Ideally, he should know he's not free to choose another woman until I say so, or when I've become so apathetic it sends the message that he's free to go and I don't care. But that's certainly not the message I'm sending him today. So why should I worry.

One thing I do to remedy this in the world is I refuse to be the woman that chats it up with someone else's man. Not only now as a woman in a relationship, but when I was single too. Now that I'm older, I'm actually aware of the women who want to keep their husbands from looking at me (it's not that I'm so great, but you can tell when she starts blocking his view and he starts trying to look around her). So I go out of my way not to be that woman. I actually will go down a different isle at the store to not give him the chance or give her the knot in her stomach. Why? Because I don't need to get my thrill from someone else's pain. Someone else might, but I don't need to fix my insecurity through the exchange method.

One poster said men have it too. I can attest my guy does make a lot of remarks. And when he gets on to me and I say but you...he says no I was just teasing. I do think it's always been around. When my mom and dad were young, they didn't have all this media we have to contend with, but they had church and work stuff. And they have tales to tell about flirting pastors and secretaries. Remember in Greek lit, when Medea dipped the dress in poison so the next woman who wore it would die? Isn't "Do not covet," which is the root of envy (aka jealousy) one of the ten commandments? Are we softening this problem by calling it insecurity? Should we just "refuse" to feel jealous? Like down dog. Get back in your shed.

It's amazing this thread is 11 years old. I bet it will be added to forever. Won't that be interesting for someone who is doing reports on this.

Hi all,

I am relieved, but saddened to know that there are other women going through the same thing that I am.

First I am an older American lady, 50 and my guy is from the Middle East, 57. We were together from 1985-1988 and divorced. We both remarried and we both divorced. For whatever reason after being divorced I looked him up and found him on Facebook. I instantly emailed him and he instantly emailed me back. Same old lovey, dovey feeling for this guy the moment I heard his voice again on the phone. I was just smitten with this man. So in love. We started Skyping, and then after about 6 months he came to the U.S. to be with me.

I had been with him for over a year when one day he left his email account open. I was nosey, and stumbled upon hundreds and hundreds of pictures of naked women in every position out there, porn videos, girl/girl, single girl touching themselves, just everything you can think of was there. He called me on the phone just as I was sitting there in shock and disbelief just staring at all the emails ("XXX," WATCH ALONE", INDIAN GIRL F...KS BF, ETC, ETC, ETC). I just kept saying in the phone "omg, omg, omg." There was an extremely uncomfortable feeling of fear and anxiety deep in the pit of my stomach. My heart was racing. Somehow he knew; he must have heard it in my voice and asked if I was upset about the "sexy pictures on my email." Five minutes later he walked in the door. I completely lost it. Screaming, threw the computer on the ground (shattered), slapping him, name calling, all of that. Complete rage. It went on for days. When he would leave I would break his music CD's, rip up his pictures, etc. Finally he gave me the password to his email, and I deleted every single one of the raunchy emails, but they kept coming so I blocked those friends. He would ask me at times, "I wonder why I don't get anymore emails." I'm sure he figured it out, but never did anything about it. I've sent at least 3 of his friends scathing emails about sending those things to him. I also noticed when deleting the emails that most of them he had forwarded to his buddies, all the meanwhile saying he never looked anything up on his own..."they sent them to me." I always asked, "then why did you forward them, as if you were sharing something really good, huh?" Maybe 6 months ago he told me he asked his best friend, who happen to live in Paris if he did anything wrong. He told me his friend said, "are you kidding me? If I get any of those emails I show them to my wife, and she shows them to her sister, and your wife lives in a progressive society."(basically she shouldn't even care). First I was furious that he went to his friend about our problem, and secondly I became furious at his reply and said "of course he feels that way, he lives in Paris and probably has a mistress on the side!" After all of this maybe two months ago he left his phone alone and went out to feed our dogs. I quickly noticed a video from that best friend of his...nude dancing women's asses, and very very provocative. Once again I completely flipped. Screaming, name calling, the whole nine yards minus breaking things. I was so angry because this friend KNEW my stance and still sent my husband that video. So another email was sent out, and insulting too. His friend was very angry about it and sent me one back. Eventually I apologized, but now I wish I hadn't because he hasn't accepted it.

Not once did I ever even THINK about this sort of thing, and especially with him. He just didn't seem the type.

Well my life is completely different. I tell him I think he actually changed my DNA somehow, or I had a mini stroke. It sounds hilarious to even write that, but sadly it's the truth.

Before this event, I felt great about myself. I never had to make silly comments when a cheerleader came on t.v., or a Victoria's Secret commercial, or a sexy girl naked scene in some movies. EVER. Before I never even thought about anything when we were watching tv, HBO, or anything that could potentially freak me out now.

I started EMDR therapy, and I want to say mayyyyybe it is working, but very very little.

If anyone knows of any good therapy, please PM me. I would be ever so grateful! I tell myself all the time that this is ridiculous, and to grow up. I even freaked out when another friend from college bought them both tickets to a football game (cheerleaders). This.has.to.end.

Hoping to hear from someone out there...

This thread has done me so much good!! I am so, so glad I'm not alone. The weather here is warming up due to the Spring, and it. is. HELL. for my self-esteem. There are gorgeous young women in tight clothing, dresses, skirts, tops which show their stomachs and cleavage everywhere and I can't stand it. My boyfriend runs a shop so whenever a pretty woman comes in or pretty women walk by, it literally ruins my entire day. Especially if I think he's looking at them and finding them attractive. UGH.

I'm 29 and have been suffering with jealousy like this for so many years, I'm starting to fear it will just never go away. I'm terrified of what will become of me when I'm 40, 50, 60+. Sometimes it's enough to make me want to die. I have self-harmed because of this and I think violent thoughts in my mind too, it's completely unbearable. And I have NO idea how to stop! It's not like the kind of thing where you just decide you'll stop, it's just an instinctive, visceral, AUTOMATIC emotion and so incredibly, overwhelmingly powerful, I feel at the mercy of it.

I know that my boyfriend finds me very attractive, but I've no idea how to get rid of this feeling at all. I'm just glad I'm not suffering alone.

I wish this thread was more active so that we could all support one another when we need it. Suffering alone is so horrible.

When I read some of the posts on this thread by men or people explaining how men are, their biology, how they are "hardwired to want to sleep around", etc... I completely despair. It makes me not want to be with any man ever again. It's deeply painful. I feel like what a man could give me maximum, is worthless, meaningless, empty and measly to me because of his biological programming, and that what I have in me to give in return would dwarf it.

It doesn't seem a fair trade. I give all of my love, commitment, affection, loyalty, and respect, so that in return I can be with someone who thinks about screwing other women? Yeah, it sounds like a crap deal to me.

Hello. I'm so very happy to find this! I've been struggling for 10 years. I'm 35. Like others I've read I have gotten so very angry at my husband and he doesn't understand why. I have told him everything I know to tell him but it's so hard to explain. He turns the channel when he feels like something comes in tv that might upset me. Only once I've found evidence he watched porn. It hurt me so bad that he swore he never would again. And yes I check to make sure. I know how to go other places besides history to see what he's looked up on his phone. I know this sounds ridiculous and I feel ridiculous when I get so upset over just seeing a woman on tv. I hate tv bc of it. But these women are real in fact. Though he will never come in contact with them. When nude or scantily clad women come on tv I cover up with a pillow or blanket. I don't even want him to look at me. I even check certain channels if I'm going somewhere to see what's coming on channels I know he would watch. My life is consumed with this. I hate feeling like this all the time. Sometimes I can not say a word but just take deep quiet breaths bc he will know what's wrong, but a lot of times I make comments, like the others I've read. I hope to someday not even think twice about it!!
Stephenielynn

Wow, impressive that this thread is still going. I guess there hasn't been a cure for this absolutely horrible feeling. My partner is a nerd and kinda awkward....very mild mannered, kind and very loving. We have been married for 12 years and 3 years ago i realized that even he liked to look at other women on youtube. I was so shocked and hurt and now i don't know if i just don't trust him anymore or i just feel tricked and have kind of a hatred for him now. In my opinion the only man that doesn't perv is one that is dead. Hmmm, maybe i just found a cure. I know i definately feel different than i used to.

I feel The EXACT same way! It's literally exhausting! It's sad, but also comforting to know that there are so many women who feel the same and are battling the same insecurities. My question is, people say to be honest with your boyfriend/husband about your jealousy/insecurities, but since we all know that CONFIDENCE is the #1 turn on and attractive quality, how do we ADMIT these bad traits/qualities while still remaining desireable in his eyes? Insecurity is a turn off for everyone. So I spend so much energy PRETENDING to be confident when in reality I'm constantly comparing myself to everyone. In real life and on TV.
When I'm single, I can watch any movie/TV show. But in a relationship, it's like a full time job to scope out any and all scenes that may contain nudity and it drives me ######6 INSANE! For example; my current boyfriend celebrity crush is Kate Bekinsale, and he casually said to me the other week that he can't wait to see her new movie Underworld that's due to come out this Jan. 7th 2017. Obviously I panicked. I searched the trailer. And am not looking forward to the movies release date. The DVD version comes out in April 2017, so I'm hoping that he doesn't want to see it in theaters because of how BIG the ######6 screen is, I'd feel better (if he really HAS to see it) if he watched it ALONE on a small screen on DVD. (Man I'm crazy.. I know)
And he doesn't seem to have the same jealousy that I do when it comes to people on TV. He knows I like Channing Tatum, and has even watched some of his romantic comedies with me. Like it didn't even phase him. (Although he refuses to watch Magic Mike lol) Anyway, in a twisted way, I wish it DID bother him when I watch movies with my celebrity crushes in them, just so he could see how I FEEL. (I know, I sound immature and mean) but I just want him to FEEL WHAT I FEEL.
I try so hard to avoid places and people where there could/would be attractive women there. And in doing so, I'm missing out on possibly fun nights out with him.
He is a great guy. He never TRIES to make me jealous. He ALWAYS compliments me. He NEVER goes out with his guy friends. I mean, what more could a woman ask for right?
Then why do I feel like this!?

Thank you to anyone who read all of this.
This is my first time on here and I must say, it feels good to RANT. ❤

I understand this post is incredibly old however, Is it normal for a 15 year old to experience this but, in all honesty, a lot worse.
I've given him rules for my own sanity.
I get angry and upset and whatnot.
It's gotten to a point where I become so filled with rage and pain whenever he plays a female character in a video game, which is a pain because he enjoys video games and I enjoy playing with him.

two years of counselling seems wasted to me.

I cannot believe this post is so old and still going on...... or maybe its not going on lately!! i just want to share something. I searched for years about things like this. I am 47 years old..... ive been married twice and i started with the crazy jealousy addiction in my first marriage!! I never understood it.... i would literally have panic attacks watching tv with my husband.... it made me crazy. The sad thing is im not an ugly woman and even at my age now im a manager of a womens gym and a physical trainer. I work out 6 days a week and do not look my age YET my problems are still there. Ive come to the conclusion that it has nothing to do with looks. My first marriage it was worse than ever. When that one ended it went away.... i entered another marriage but it never bothered me BUT that was because i didnt really love the guy he was more a friend and security. Well now that im going through my second divorce and have been in a relationship with another man for 18 months now - it has come back so bad!! tv shows, movies, internet, going out, anything where there is a woman with a nice body i start to cringe and freak out!! the panic attacks started again... he thinks IM nuts .... i cant even explain it!! ive tried to understand why - its absolutely crazy to feel this way but it is serious!! ive sought counseling over the years but nothing helped except being with a man i didnt really care about. Its like a fear comes over me that as he sees this beautiful young womans body he will not be attracted to me etc..... ALL i can say is this forum has really helped me to not feel alone!! I just ordered a book on insecurity and im really hoping to follow the steps needed to work on this because i really love this man and he does not deserve the psycho ness that comes along with this crazy obsession of mine!! Thanks to all who have shared...... i will be reading this alot more!!!

I've found my people! I feel such a kinship with all of you. Everyone keeps asking for a solution. At 41 years of age, I can say there is no pill for this dreaded ailment. When something has a steel grip on you like this, the only thing to do is to surrender to it. It's the only thing that worked for me. I had to admit that I will never be good enough. No woman is for any man. The game is rigged. It's like those Russian dolls. There will always be a prettier woman who he will want more who will make you feel small. And, make no mistake about it. Men want the prettiest, nicest woman they can get, with what they've got. Period. The reason we feel rage is because we lack control. We can't control what they think. We can't control what they see. So, we try to regain control through lashing out and changing the channel. It doesn't work. We are powerless in the face of this. So, instead of trying to control what we can't, we surrender to the rules of the universe. We throw up our hands. We fall to our knees. Then, we stand up and stop making these men the center of our worlds. They are glorified drug addicts. That's it. They getting a hit to their brains when they see pretty women. It's that simple. They are chasing a high. Are we really going to spend our lives trying to heal junkies? We are only hurting ourselves and we are bringing ourselves down to their sad pitiful level. Men are simple. They are animal. Women are complex, mysterious, amazing creatures who dwarf men. It's time that we start focusing less on their drug addiction and start chasing the highs that make us happy. What makes you feel alive? What makes you feel free? What makes you feel empowered? There's nothing sexier than a woman who could careless about a man.