General Information Thread

Self Confidence Tips

1) How to Feel Good When You Need to

Because feeling good has a major 'hormonal' element, you can re-create the way you feel by re-living times you felt good. If you can remember a time you had great self confidence, then excellent - use that! If not, then use a time you felt contented or happy. This process of taking deliberate control of the content of your thoughts and emotions will have an impact on your self confidence and other areas of your life.

2) Beating Self Consciousness, Confidence Enemy No.1

Although useful for learning about the impact you have on others, too much self consciousness is the No.1 enemy of self confidence. The trick is to be able to keep your attention off yourself when you need to. Here's how...

a) When you feel self-conscious, (you can usually tell because you start to feel anxious), choose something outside of yourself to focus on and study it in detail. For example: examine a door, look at the different textures and shades of colour, wonder about who made it and how and so on. The important thing is that you're learning how to keep your attention off yourself.

It is a good idea to practise this technique in private first. Just sit quietly, practising focusing firstly on your own thoughts and then deliberately focusing outwards onto a picture or piece of furniture.

b) Social self confidence can be difficult to find sometimes because it is unclear what you are 'supposed to do'. In this event, concentrate on what your purpose in the situation is. Whether you're there to:

find out if you like the other people present
make others feel comfortable
find out some information
make business contacts
and so on...
It's much more difficult to feel self-conscious if your mind is occupied with a task.

People are often most comfortable with others when working towards a common goal. The common goal of socialising could be making friends, the exchange of mutually beneficial information, expanding your knowledge of different types of people... it could be whatever you want it to be! The key is to have an aim.

3) Watch Out for Undue Criticism - Especially Your Own!

Have you noticed that people will speak to themselves in a way they would never speak to others? You know the sort of thing - you drop a cup and it's "You stupid idiot. You can't do anything right can you?"

Criticism that leaves the receiver feeling upset or depressed is rarely useful.

Challenging your own assumptions about yourself and other people can be really helpful in building self confidence. Here's a few to get you started:

a) Those confident-looking people have bad moments too - you just don't get to hear about them!

b) If you feel under-confident, it doesn't mean other people can tell. They're often too caught up with their 'own stuff' to notice!

c) If you catch yourself saying things to yourself like "I'm no good at anything" then rest assured, you're wrong about that. Everyone can compose a sentence, get successfully to the store, eat without choking and do a million other things. Emotion can make things seem hopeless when they rarely are.

Don't let yourself make sweeping statements about yourself - in the long run it is this sort of thing that can really damage your self image. If this happens, say to yourself calmly and gently, "Hold on a minute, that's not true". If you can come up with some evidence that disproves the sweeping statement, then even better. It may take a bit of effort at first, but the impact on your self confidence levels is huge.

Building self esteem is not just about thinking good of yourself, it's about not thinking bad for no reason!

d) Just because you have felt bad about yourself in the past doesn't mean you're always going to feel that way. I have seen hundreds of people surprise themselves once they have learned how to build self confidence in a way that it stays built!

The important thing is to get away from thinking "Why did that happen?", or "Why do I feel this way?" and towards "How would I like to feel?", "In what situations do I feel confident?" or, "What do I need to learn in order to have better self confidence in this situation?"

This change in thinking is so important that we devote quite a bit of time to it on the Self Confidence Trainer.

e) Persevere and don't expect everything at once. Really learn how to develop your self confidence by following the tips from this site and the free Self Confidence Course and notice the small differences as they happen. Building good self confidence is a wonderful thing, and it's much easier than you'd imagine.

Self Confidence Website: http://www.spheri.ca/directory/view.php/Health/Psychology/Self_Confidence/Self_Confidence.html

A Little More Uncertainty Can Help

Contrary to popular opinion, people with low self-esteem are always very sure of themselves.

This manifests in their conviction that they are worthless or inadequate. As you will know if you have ever tried to argue with someone who puts themselves down continually, it is very hard to do! When someone with low self esteem becomes less sure of their own opinion of themselves and therefore begins to assess counter evidence regarding their worthlessness, their self image begins to become more healthy.


High emotional states distort self image

People with low self esteem can be upset by 'disconfirming feedback.' In other words if something happens which indicates that they may not be as terrible as they thought, it can feel disturbing as it contradicts their way of perceiving. Healthy self esteem needs to emerge subtly, not as a sudden result of hearing you are 'really special' or 'fantastic'.

People need proof that unsettles the certainty that they are so 'defective' or inadequate and leads to a more realistic and balanced self-assessment. This can only happen when they become calmer and more relaxed so that they can observe themselves more objectively and less emotionally. When ever we are highly emotional our perception is distorted ('emotional hijacking') when people calm down around the idea of themselves then a healthier self-esteem can emerge!


Healthy Pleasures Are Vital

We need to engage in activities which we enjoy and in which we can 'lose ourselves' regularly. The better one's sense of themselves the less they tend to use words like 'me, myself, I, mine' (personal pronouns) Someone's mental and even, to some extent, physical health can be directly related to how 'self-referential' they are in their conversation - as people become healthier they use the 'I' word less, in the same way that when your knee stops hurting you don't need to rub it any more.

People should be encouraged to focus their attention away from themselves as well as to be able to take their own needs into account. A healthy balance should be encouraged as should the development of real practical skills. Real responsibility should be encouraged so that self-worth can respond to external evidence on an ongoing basis.


Make the Most of Success

Low self esteem requires a particular attitude towards success. Whenever you succeed at something, you must 'write it off' as good luck, chance, or someone else's responsibility.

To gain a more realistic view of yourself, you need to take appropriate credit for your successes. In the Self Confidence Trainer, we call this skill 'Converting'.

This involves learning how to convert real successes into statements about yourself. The other part of the picture is to view perceived failures as temporary and not statements about your 'core identity'.


Build on Solid Foundations

For anyone to be psychologically and physicaly healthy on an ongoing basis, there are a set of requirements that must be built into life. This is the checklist I use with my patients:

1. The need to give and receive attention
2. Taking care of the mind-body connection
3. The need for meaning, purpose and goals
4. The need for a connection to something greater than ourselves
5. The need for creativity and stimulation
6. The need for intimacy and connection
7. The need for a sense of control

It's not just about Positive Thinking!

Positive Thinking can be useful in that it challenges you to form a different view on things. However, most of the time it just takes the form of arguing with yourself, and as we've seen from 4) above, this doesn't work.

For your image of yourself to change, you need to believe in an alternative opinion of yourself, not just repeat platitudes about how great you are really!

Self-Confidence Website:
http://www.self-confidence.co.uk/self/esteem/tips.html

Determine your personal attributes--positive things about your physical, mental and emotional self such as the way you look (body image, color of hair and eyes); your mind and emotions; skills you have and those you are developing; your potential; your values.

Practice becoming comfortable with yourself. Don't try to measure up using someone else's standards. Genuine self-esteem comes from within.


Focus on your accomplishments. Congratulate yourself for achievements, however big or small. Remind yourself daily of the things you do well and of the courage you have shown in the past or present.


Choose to risk in order to succeed. Establish realistic goals that are your won and are high enough to satisfy you. Learn from failure. If you have setbacks, become a problem solver. Examine strategies and objectives which may have to be revised in order to succeed. Refuse to deal with self-defeating patterns.


Learn to be realistic and accept the fact that you aren't perfect at everything and you don't have to be. Stop condemning your faults--change what you can and accept yourself by also acknowledging your virtues.


Learn to laugh at past disappointments when you can. Use them as opportunity for insight and growth. Be compassionate with yourself.


Visualize success. Mentally rehearse winning in everything you do before you do it.


Nurture yourself by taking care of your health. Eat well, get enough sleep and exercise. Learn to play.


Develop a support system of people you trust who will listen when you need to talk.


Let go of resentment, guilt and revenge. Forgive yourself and others. Recognize that you are unique and have a place of importance in this world.


Meditate and call up your inner child. Recognize what hurts in your past and try to imagine giving your inner child what he/she needs to heal. If you feel overwhelmed, seek help from a professional.

Whispy Website:
http://www.whispy.com/selfesteem.htm

7 habits of self love to build self esteem

1. Put yourself and Your Well-being First. This may sound selfish at first glance. But in order for any of us to be happy and supportive and productive employers, workers, husbands, wives, parents or friends, we have to be healthy first! If we are not in good physical, emotional, and spiritual condition, it will be very hard for us to be of good help to the others in our life, professionally or personally.

2. Take steps to eliminate clutter, noise, distractions, and people who drain your energy.. Some people live in clutter, thrive on noise, and allow themselves to be drained by demanding friends and acquaintances. If any of this sounds familiar, you can do something about it NOW. Clear off your desk, skip television and radio for a week, and distance yourself from those who use you to meet their needs.

3. Treat your body as the temple that it is.

4. Spend the month doing something very, very selfish each day. Make a list of things you really want to have or do and have been putting off (don't go over your budget). Then one day at a time JUST DO IT!

5. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin instead of wishing you were in someone else's.

6. Avoid putting everyone's needs before your own.

7. List all of your strengths. Think three positive thoughts about yourself before falling asleep at night and before getting out of bed each morning.

Whispy Website:
http://www.whispy.com/selfesteem.htm

Self Motivation

This is central to everything positive that you want to do in your life. Perhaps it is even more important than your self esteem!

Why? Because if you want to improve your self esteem or improve yourself in any way at all you first need the inner desire and will to do it.

Why you need self motivation

You cannot always rely on others to encourage you, if you have positive friends who are always there when you need them then you are indeed lucky and very much in the minority. If you are lonely or have few friends when you face any difficulties in your life you must rely on your own motivation to get you through. Lack of self motivation at that time could lead to depression.

You need self motivation to achieve because if you don't encourage yourself to accept opportunity and challenge who will?

To plan and find direction in your life

To take up a new activity, hobby or challenge

To be enthusiastic about life and living

To have the courage to see things through despite setbacks or negative comments from others

This is not an exhaustive list because self motivation is so important in every aspect of your life. The very fact that you are here searching for answers and trying to improve yourself shows that you are motivated.

What if you lack self motivation ?

How can you become motivated again? Good question!

Here are some suggestions:

Focus on what you really enjoy doing, maybe on something you want to take up or on a hobby you've always wanted to devote more time to. What's stopping you? Think about giving it priority to start doing what you love doing.

Make a list of things you'd like to improve on and how you're going to do it

Review all the successes you've enjoyed in every area of your life, totally forget any negatives, just positive successes here!

Start an exercise program - force yourself to do it, it'll make you feel much more positive.

Contact a positive friend and have a chat.

Read inspiring books that will help heal your mind and improve your attitude.

More Self-Esteem Website:
http://www.more-selfesteem.com/self_motivation.htm

Managing stress

Here are some suggestions to help you manange your stress.

* Take care of your physical health. Exercise regularly, get enough sleep and eat healthy well-balanced meals

*Develop friendships. Having someone to confide in and share your feelings with can be the first step toward resolving problems that cause stress.

*Take time off. Get away on vacation or long weekend if you can. If that's not possible, take short breaks during the day to stretch, walk or breathe deeply.

*Manage your time. Set realistic goals and plan accordingly.

*Set limits. Learn to say "no" when people press you to do more then you can manage comfortably.

*Choose your battles wisely. Don't rush into arguments. Take time to calm down before responding to aggravating people or situations and save your arguments for those things that really matter.

*Avoid self-medication. It is too easy to turn to medication or alcohol as a way of escaping stress. They mask the problem but they don't solve it. If you think medication is the answer, discuss it with your doctor.

All information has been posted by the health watch phamplet I picked up at my drug store on emotional health.

I have struggled with low self esteem for many years. Since bipolar disorder entered my life 20 years ago, I have felt less than half a man. I was always the family type of guy. I worked hard many years as the sole provider for my wife and children. My wife never had to work, and I wanted it that way. I was a very driven and respected man in my job, relationships, and my church. People at one time really looked up to me, and often sought advice from me.

Bipolar disorder took away most of my most admired abilities. Bipolar changed my life for the worst. Although I still had the same desires, I no longer was capable of fulfilling them as before. I struggled with self stigma, and low self esteem as a result for many years. I have improved some in my self esteem, by trying to accept the strengths I have now, instead of focusing on my many weaknesses.
But the many weaknesses I have, as a result of my bipolar disorder, still remind me of how much of myself I have lost.