This is a BIG one

Hey guys, I just got back from my girlfriends house. We've known each other for about 2 months now, and I went to her house. I have a lot of self doubt issues and self esteem problems. I constantly think I have mental disorders and change my mind all the time about myself. Its been a long time since I've felt a connecteness with other human beings and been able to really be happy. Anyways, while I was at my girlfriends house I was having a hard time talking to her. I end up going blank on what to talk about, and if I do ever talk she always gets really annoyed with talking to me. i'm 23 years old, and lately she has been critisizing me of thinking like a 14 year old. This really sucks being told that, and I try to communicate with her in a mature way but Im not sure what it is I do or say that demonstrates my immature behavior. I think its more thinks I say than do. Anyways Im stuck sitting there feeling under pressure to talk and be a likable person but at the same time, all attempts to do so are thrwarted by things I say. Im also pretty sure shes telling the truth and shes not just some rude person. I like her, but it feels as if I should just end things between us because every day we see each other she seems more and more turned off by me. I really need to get my act together. Does anyone know the best ways to develop ones self into a naturally fun, charasmatic, mature person?

Maybe what she's responding to you is your desire to please her, to seek her approval. That comes across as immaturity. Maturity means being able to stand on your own, support yourself, accept yourself.

I know it's easy to say and hard to do, but the trick is to risk knowing, accepting, and being your real self -- not trying to figure out the right thing to do or say so that others will think you're okay.

yeah, maybe i should stop being needy. its not easy because somewhere either consciously or unconsciously i think acting this way will make her like me? even tho i know that acting my true self and being cool makes me feel better, her, and everthing is cool.

Well, as you can see, acting this way is not making her like you.

Look, this stuff takes time to work out ... years, really. But here's my take on it ...

I'm guessing that you are coming across to her as someone she needs to take care of emotionally. Someone who's self-esteem issues dominate the relationship so much that he needs lots of support and reassurance.

Truth is, it's your responsibility to support your own self-esteem, not hers. You are looking to her to fix you, in a way. That's not her job, and she doesn't want it. Girls don't want a guy they have to be responsible for taking care of emotionally.

Good luck.

yeah i know what you mean. Ive read all on the dating thing and neediness kills attraction. Anyways, I sent her this text message last night "Hey I just wanted to say thanks for being honest with me and everything. I think maybe we should keep things between us as friends. I have a lot of things I need to work on about myself and I want to get those things handled first."

She called me soon after and asked if I was breaking up with her. I explained myself and said I need some time alone. I also told her if we kept the relationship going it was eventually fall apart due to my issues. The phone began breaking up and we lost connection. She wouldnt answer her phone the next time I called her so I sent another text message. (her last relationship which was with her husband, he tries to manipulate her and make her life a living hell) In my message i told her, "Hey I didnt say what I said to get back at you for calling me immature. Im not that kind of person. I took what you said for what you really meant and I want to change for the better. Its a serious problem I have with myself. Nothing against you".

And what I said was true. I wasnt mad at her for calling me immature. Sure I didn't feel good hearing that come from somoene but I wasnt angry. I knew it was true. Anyways I had class today with her sitting next to me. At first I was feeling slightly uncomfortable but as the class went on I relaxed. She on the other hand had her head down a lot, and was scribbling random things on her notes page which is not like her. After class, she was the first person out the door. She went outside into the parking lot and stopped to set her things down to put in her bag. I walked up and asked if she got my 2nd message from last night. She said yes, and we walked to her car, and I said, I really meant what I said. I just need some alone time. And she stood there and didnt say a word. Her eyes seemed to squint and looked watery. I think she was about to cry, and she told me she had to go. Her voice didnt show too much pain, but I could tell she wasnt feeling happy.

I didnt want to hurt things between us where she would never want to talk to me again by staying in a relationship that looked like it was headed in the wrong direction so I ended it with the true intentions I thought were right. I still feel a little uneasy about things, and that I want her back, but I know if we stayed together at my present state things would fall apart.

Any comments? I'm feeling pretty stressed out about all this and Im sure she is too. I dont know if I should call her within the next week or what. I guess that would almost be the opposite of what I was trying to do, but I feel bad about leaving her especially when shes been struggling to support her child and find a job to get by.

Hm, want my 2 cents (I guess it's up to 6 cents now)?

I'm feeling bad for your girlfriend. She has been trying to be honest with you, trying to talk to you about this, and now (even though your intentions were good), you flat out dumped her with no warning, and through no fault of hers.

I understand where you were coming from, and I think your intentions were good (though it's worth asking whether you were rejecting her in order to protect yourself from rejection) -- but you could've stayed together and tried to work this out by learning to conduct yourself differently in the relationship. Imo, it's better to work on this stuff while you are in a relationship, rather than solo.

If I were you, I'd swallow whatever pride I had left and tell her you are sorry, you made a mistake in breaking up with her because of your insecurities. Tell her you want to try again, if she's willing, and to try to be a more mature person in the relationship.

I'm just coming from the point of view that relationships provide a great place to "grow up," and it's harder to work on yourself solo. Plus I feel sorry for the girl. But this is just my 2 cents, and it's your life; you know it better than I do.

Good luck whatever you do.

yeah your right man, thanks for the help. i did exactly as you said, we're back together, Im trying to be a better listener and more mature. Somewhere in my crazy mind I thought what I did was right, but really, I do make a lot of bad decisions, especially under stress. I took her and her son out to a park, had a great time. I dont know why i started all this crap. I guess i should really just learn to relax and enjoy life instead of worrying about $#%^. Thanks man. You know what your talking about. Hey if I ever have a problem can I contact you for advice?

Hey, that's great. I'm glad things worked out. I was worried there for a second.

If you have other problems, just make a thread. I'll remember your name. A lot of people (me included) like to try to help.

hi

First i will tell you that you can't control others. You can control only yourself. Right? Second is that she is teenager and may be she is in big confusion what you want to say to her. I am not telling you that don't love her because age doen't matter age.
You need to understand her why she gets annoyed when you try to share your feelings with her. May be your thoughts are misunderstable for her.

Most important thing is that Please give her enough time to understand what you want to say because her age is somewhat like that she is going towards mature. When person is teenager many differences come in one's life that they have to face with it.
may be this is reason for your pain..