Why can't I deal with my boyfriends’ past?

Hi!
I’m writing in this forum because I think I need help to accept my boyfriends’ past before transforming myself into an ugly person. Probably I’ll have to write a big post to explain my situation… hope you don’t mind…

well, here it goes…

He had a «###$ buddy» (let’s call it FB) before we started to date. I accepted, of course, because everyone has a past and he seemed completely in love with me.
Problem was his FB was not part of the past: she was one of his friends in a group of 6. So I had to drink beers with them, watch them talking and smiling… Watching to all that made me weaker and “small”, made me feel I was the one apart. It became a breach in my security, my self-esteem. Sometimes it was really a sacrifice to be with him, knowing that at any time she (and the other friends) could show up… But I wasn’t able to talk about it, with him or with anybody, because I was ashamed: that meant I didn’t trust him although believing in his love for me (otherwise, why would he care about telling me everything and having no secrets?). I was so ashamed I even stopped writing my notebooks (kind of diary, I always thought of it as my personal therapy) because writing was admitting I was feeling those things....
This lasted a couple of weeks, because she got jealous and got out. He told me their friendship was over too and he wasn’t sorry because he saw she couldn’t forget him and it could ruin our relationship.

3 years later we’re still together, living together. In the meantime we talked about those hard times for me and he didn’t understand, he called me jealous and made me feel even more awful and ashamed. I was glad I didn’t talked to him by the time things happened and felt sorry for letting him know my “terrible” feelings now… but part of me thinks this keep-it-all-to-myself attitude was the responsible for my weakening…

Last week we mentioned those times again when he strangely said something like “what’s wrong with FBs? maybe it’s evolution! people live their life and when there are “in need” they call their FB and they don’t have to give anything in exchange! you don’t understand because you never had one!” (was he competing with me?) well, if you leave money on the table it’s called prostitution, if you don’t leave money it’s called evolution… great point of view! (note: I’m not against people having FB’s, I know it’s good for ego, I just reacted the way he said that!)
I started to wonder whether he was happy with me or he was being nostalgic wishing “the FB time” after 3 years (stupid, right?… but living together brings lots of responsibilities, lots of questions and answers, lots of tolerance and patience - which he doesn’t have that much) and he told me “unbelievable! after 3 years you still doubt my feelings for you and you still didn’t get over it?!...”

damn, I wanted to show him she’s not a problem for me anymore, I was feeling so strong and confident, just like old times! but that nostalgia made me so nervous! my legs started to shake and I felt so cold! I just didn’t want him to think I’m (still) jealous, old-fashion (for God’s sake, my favorite TV series is “Sex and the City” and my best friend has a FB too!... if this means anything…) and sometimes I would like to hear him say he’s better now with me than when he was single with his FB’s… I just want to feel special, that I’m the one, that he’s still in love with me… bla-bla-bla! It’s not enough thinking “he’s with me now so he likes me” because I know relationships can sometimes be addictive!
unfortunately, every time I ask him those questions (why do I have to ask?) he says I’m vulnerable, I don’t trust him and he doesn’t have to be telling me all the time I’m special… “all the time”? once in every… 3 months is “all the time”? whatever…

well, I need help. I truly believe she’s not my problem, she’s gone. His attitude is my problem… he made this subject taboo and I began to question the reasons he doesn’t want to talk about it. protecting me? or hiding me something? (jealous…)
Only people with FB understand?
Am I competing to him?
What if she was better than me: can solid relationships defeat affairs?

I need to solve this and I need some tips to make my self-esteem grow again. I don’t want to “forget” this, I want to win the obstacle, “close the circle”, otherwise it’ll always make my legs shake. I was strong and confident once, I want to be strong and confident again. Forever.

What can I do? Can you help me? Or is this just stupid? (if so, please say it gently, but say it. maybe I need to read something not that nice but that will help me somehow...)

(and I’m sorry for this long long long long post…)

Hi,

What specific aspects of the problem would you like to talk to him about? I mean, what do you want to know that you don't already know about it all? I'm not criticising you here - I just think that when things like this carry-on for a number of years, the goals can become faded and cloudy.

I dated a girl for just 1 month who was a self-confessed nymphomaniac (i.e. - she was addicted to sex). Her past scared me and, as soon as she told me that, I knew that she would not be the one for me. I didn't even give her the satisfaction of having sex with me, as much as she tried. I'm simply not that type of person, and I don't think you are either. So, then, why have you let this problem continue for three years? I was all prepared to tell you that you should probably look elsewhere until you mentioned that you've been with him for 3 years and are actually living together! Now, I'm not sure what to say.

If you are unhappy, then you should still look to end it (I mean, if you are really unhappy). It doesn't appear likely that he will change after all of this time, and he doesn't sound like the type of guy that would go to a relationship counsellor. So, what are you left with: A boyfriend who doesn't respect you?; and one with whom you cannot be yourself around?

That's not ideal.

Kevin.

Hi Kevin, thanks for your support!

Your post reminded me the question I sometimes ask myself
“If I could go back, would I make the same decisions?”
When he told me about his past I wanted to break up with him, but how could I give up on something I wanted for another thing that was already finished? I would be acting jealous, I thought “grow up, accept and step forward! You have your own past too.”
In the good days I say I would do it all over again, in the bad days I think about life without him or if we’d start to date only a year later. I’ll never know.

We live together, yes, it was his idea, by the way. And he looks quite happy!
My sister says it was precipitation, but it was the next step so “why not?”.
I rather end this story after trying everything to this relationship work out than live the rest of my life thinking “probably I didn’t do enough”.

You’re absolutely right when you ask

What specific aspects of the problem would you like to talk to him about? I mean, what do you want to know that you don't already know about it all?

I call it morbid curiosity… I think it’s just because I don’t feel special so I want to see in his eyes or tone of voice that she was not that good, you know what I mean… (what a stupid mistake...)

And maybe your question is the true reason for my weakness. What else there is to know, anyway? The rest will be only pain, right?

Maybe I should do like Queens of the Stone Age: go with the flow…
(although this passivity kind of pisses me off)

Tks once again, Kevin.
*

Hey,

I don't know much about the Queens of the Stone-Age... The only song I know is 'No-one Knows' - it's got quite a rockin' beat, I must admit!

I understand now why you want to talk to him about this - thanks for explaining. I guess, we all do things like this: We want to find out something, even if we know that it will only cause us more pain. I think I mentioned that I have had a similar experience with a person in the past. In my case, my partner was very promiscuous and it absolutely killed me inside because I was never and will never be like that. I was actually afraid to talk to her about it though, because I knew it would hurt me.

I'm not sure what else to say now. I hope that you and he get on together and that you can accept his past. Hmm, actually, is that the issue here? - I mean, are you able to accept his past?

Kevin.

Hi Matrix,

I have just joined this forum after losing my old one and yours is the first post I have read - and I can't believe the serendipity! I have just been sending myself around the bend dealing with an ongoing issue remarkably similar to yours (based on what I read). So maybe before I comment on your situation, I will give some details of mine - maybe the sharing will reduce the 'stupid' feelings (which I also have).

Really brief: a couple of early boyfriends cheated - Dad also cheated on Mum - parents divorced = fear of abandonment and general mistrust of men. Boyfriend I live with (5 years) hasn't cheated as far as I know, but when we met, we were both in other relationships and broke them up to be together.
Boyfriend is around college-age girls because of his job - there's usually one or two who make their crushes known and it drives me CRAZY!!
Me - tendency to fear the worst and obsess. I also have a history of depression and related paranoia and anxiety, so am never really certain whether things are 'real' or I'm just overanalyzing.
So: is it fear of being alone? fear of what it'll do to me if he cheats? self-fulfilling prophecy because of my questions and tantrums? etc. Whole situation makes me feel vulnerable and icky.

So, back to you!

My advice to you is to try and get what you need: whether it be details, answers, a discussion, or to work out your feelings. This might involve writing a letter to your boyfriend if you tend to run into trouble when you discuss this issue together. Or, it might involve unloading it all on a counsellor or therapist, who is not in the business of judging our feelings and thus making us vulnerable. S/he may also be able to help you figure out whether there's something in your past that's stopping you from 'getting over it'.
Getting what you need to sort these feelings out is doing something positive for yourself, and this is what self-esteem is about. I know this is a difficult situation to be facing, and I wish you lots of luck.