Hmm.. just need to vent. and seeking advice !

I am 19 now and attending college. (tiny background)

I feel like I can remember everything clearly, but that is never true there is always details or even forgotten fragments that I never realised existed till I actually retrieve the memory. Maybe its got to do with my self esteem, although I think it could be something else. I would say that esteem fluctuates according to many things mood, stimulation bla bla bla.. I have pride, I kinda like my job( execpt the pay), give homeless people money, tip at restraunts. Yet, there are these other things I also do... I steal from time to time.. normally I think of it like this.. I try to steal what I need, instead of something thats expensive and what i dont need.. but mostly I steal and give it away.. now some might think I steal because Im cheap I think this is partially true. Ive done this since I was a kid. Everytime my mom would notice she would immediately take me back to the store and pay for it. Great mother.. But what am I doing? I know whats right and whats wrong. Somehow I just feel like being in the middle is "better" like it gives you an edge. I stopped stealing for a long time.. But once in a while I find myself stealing. It feels natural
I dont steal from entrepenuers or businesses I feel that arent making much money. Mainly large companies. I only feel remorse If I get caught... otherwise its like im a cold blooded thief. Pretty much end of this part feel free to post whatever you think.

I respect GOOD, but I like bad. I guess I feel this way because as a child I have always been "good" never started trouble.. But I dont know why Im constantly wanting to go towards the Bad yet.. It feels as if theres not enough fuel in me to fully go towards it. Once again.. Im stuck in the middle.

Way I feel about myself.. I act different to different people, full of pride, or humble. Pretty much it for that.

Mood how exactly does your self esteem affect that..
Depending on my mood, It makes me shy or makes me a #1 party man. If you guys know what I mean. EX. going into a club.. and lets say when u first enter.. you just feel intimidated or self concious and you become shy... chances are for the rest of that night Im going to feel that way. Then theres the times when I go in and I just feel good, super talkative... and a party machine. Is self esteem suppose to be set? Or does it fluctuate.. (im thinking it does fluctuate using me as the genuie pig) What causes it to fluctuate? How can you control it.. I want to be in the middle sometimes and then be able to choose.

Im always asking older men lets say atleast 5yrs older for advice on many things. Maybe because I dont communicate much with my own Father. Hes a good guy standing on the good side, but very stubborn. And I would say lacks the skills to have a "proper" conversation with anyone. Hes constantly thinking of whats right and thinks thats the ONLY way, therefore everyone must follow his way. Oh a little background, hes a Chinese doctor does acupuncture and I believe he can cure so much more then modern medicine. Can cure hemmroids in 30 days without surgery! haha..
Maybe Im just like him and trying to not be like him therefore making me.

I am not going to revise what I wrote sorry for the typos, gramma errors bla bla bla... If I do revise.. I KNOW I will erase stuff here and there and it wont be true.
Anywho Tons more to vent but I cant just cut and paste out of my brain.

to every pleasure theres a displeasure..
I need to read more or learn more.. But Im so lazy.. though I never have a problem reading forums. But, is this an adequate way to exercise the brain?

I am easily seduced by women.. And confused.
I figured it out from what I stole eariler..
I havent stolen in so long... but this item Ive had an eye on at work for weeks now.. seduced me figuratively ofcourse... And here I am venting.. Im not feeling guilty because I stole... but because it outsmarted me.. and the future is uncertain... because I do not know if ill be caught.. I feel like robin hood.. minus all the hollywood crap Im wrong and I know it. I know how to avoid it but I dont want to. Just like smoking black stones dah I might smoke alot here and there but Ive set a rule.. I stop for a month after every month.. And I have no trouble not picking up a cigar... I guess I smoke for the wrong reasons... because it looks "cool" or something.. but hey it does help with stress too..

All comments advice are welcome.. I have typed with 100% honesty and expect honest replys.

Hi, langjai,
You may feel ambivalent about stealing, but there is nothing ambivalent about getting arrested for stealing and going to jail and being disgraced.
One's self esteem and self confidence can fluctuate. When one is feeling strong and healthy one is more likely to feel able to socialise successfully, and when one is depressed the opposite happens, with feeling inadequate and withdrawing.
Your main issue seems to be this ambivalence in your approach to life. You tend to give in to wrong things not so much to be evil, as because that is the path of least resistance. Challenge yourself by not ever stealing anything for whatever reason.
Try to keep a clear mind. Smoking opium can goof with your memory.

Hmmm.. you are certainly hit the nail on the head. I guess it always boils down to a simple choice. Ill make the right choice for future references. Ah i dont smoke opium just 100% natural tobacco but then again its all bad for you anyways. I guess I just have an oral fixation and love just having the cigar tip on my lips haha. Seem to be ambivalent in many aspects of my life. "when two paths open before you, take the hardest route." guess that quote makes alot of sense here. But its weird.. when I think hard about why I dont choose the hardest route at times. Disregarding the ovbious reason of why the easy route is more favorable. I sometimes wander into thinking "whats the point." Ah thats just the laziness in me talking.. Being alive is alot harder then being dead. IMO. Any advice on how to not be lazy?
For me sometimes I know I have to do something yet I put it off. Like right now.. I know I have work at 5am tomorrow yet I am still here typing away thinking that oh yeah ill be able to get up tomorrow and be in the same state of mind as I am at this very moment. However, I know for fact that this is false.. I will get up yes.. but Ill be tired dizzy and yeah not in this state of mind im in at this moment. I love putting things off till later.. which we all know eventually becomes forever.

Im now looking for advice on the following.
Being consistant.
How to not be lazy.

I guess pleasure cant exist without pain.. always a balance.
99% of my stress was created by my own two hands.
I kinda want more feedback on the socializing part, Ill supply more information. I consider myself to be shy, but I always stick myself out there for the hell of it because I really hate feeling shy. Mostly around people who intimidate me... or some females. Ones that are harder to approach Im not sure why.. but its just this way for me.. sometimes it easy for me sometimes its hard. and this is one of the consistant things.. like lets say first impression... im shy to talk to you this will normally stick. Need a little input on this..

Hello langjai.

I can see you have self esteem issues.

What is your major concern? Is it you feeling shy?

Mood swings are probably normal. When you feel energetic do you have control over the mood or it is like it has a life on its own and it controls you? It's hard to say.

Do you consider stealing a problem of yours?

While you can defenitely work on your self esteem and that will help/even cure your behaviours that are destructive (e.g. strealing), that may take a lot of time than more brief therapies (i.e. behaviouralistic/ cognitive therapies) and more trouble may arise in the meant time (e.g. if you get caught then you will have to endure the sever trauma of spending time in jail).

Self esteem is like a good investment for the future and a way to live a more successull and happy life Now, but it takes some time working on that until you have it wipe off your disorders. It's like psychoanalysis (excellent way to reach "Catharsis" a state that you are relieved from old "weights") in that it can take a while, but its effects are profounding. Of course, building a healthy self esteem does also give you with much more, like a sounder basis to cope easier with daily problems and to easier advance in your carreer and life. It's not just about getting rid of mental disorders, but also for living a successful living (although, as far as I can see, most people, including me in the past, when they think of self esteem they mainly think as a useful way for a successful living).

Of course building self esteem (actually more like investing/building a positive self image, which is part of the self esteem, and Disregarding Misconceptions that you have to please others in order to feel Well, all that offered primarily as Counselling), according to my opinion, is the easiest form of therapy.

As I have no experience or knownledge to suggest anything helpful of your stealing, it may be good for you to see a psychologist/psychiatrist.

Ah, Im basically just seeking more wisdom I want to analyze myself further. These things for me all boils down to choice other than mood which is hard to control. If I choose not to I wont.
I want to find out more about how to have more integrity like not easily be seduced by nice things or women.. Like for relationships I normally start off dominant but eventually I dont know what happens. I cave and eventually become submissive or the "nice guy". When this happens I always just give it a clean cut. It doesnt even seem like love anymore but rather infatuation.

I can easily stay consistant on infatuatuation but with other things its harder to stay consistant.. like lets say right now.. nothing I typed so far is organized( I havent read any of this over might feel too corny haha) but yeah usually what I type is all over the place. Just like my room messy messy messy. I usually start off keeping things organized and clean for about a week? and after that.. back to the same old mess. Hard to stay constant.

I got a pretty good life tho, and I do appriciate it. But man have I wasted alot of these resources. I am on track now but I want to make sure I can stay consistant with this.

As for the shy part.. I would say Im shy, but other people might say otherwise. it all depends, Im in the middle and wish to step over to the more confident area. Ah thats the keyword.

Uncertanity sucks.

Hello langjai.


It seems to me that you have a hard time to control your impulses.
Since your impulses seem to me under your voluntary control, every time you manage each impulse, make your self a little present (i.e. behaviour modification based on operant conditioning).

As for the dominant and the submissive queries, you don't have to be either. Both of them are flawed. Be assertive instead. You can find information of how to be assertive at changingminds.org and Work on you becoming more assertive. In a few words though, you are assertive if you protect your rights while also respecting others people's rights.

As for the middle part between shy and confident, can you offer some concrete information (for instance do you accept youself, do you compare yourself to others or not etc)?


You'll be fine. Mainly try to work on the stealing part.