I earned my ego. How can you?

Short answer? Experience. Some have it, Some don't.

Long answer and reasons below. Warning. It's really long.

I had a really bad experience in the past. Pain. Suffering. Death. Suicide, even. Self harm and guilt. No emotions and not caring at all. Insanity. Never did any physical harm to myself but having gone through insanity I can understand why others would. Never harmed anyone but having not cared at all once I can understand why monsters exist. No blame from me. No judgement. Just understanding. That's why I stopped caring. It sickened me. I wanted to light a match and burn the world. Fear and mistrust because of irrational fears all over. And even the fear that is rational can change. "punishment" matters more it seems. "Judgement" matters more. What kind of world is that? Is that the world you want? People say not but show yes.

Then I stopped making it about the world. I made it about me instead. MY world. Being selfish is a GOOD thing. I matter too. It doesn't mean turning a blind eye to others or being possessive. It simply means no one acts without self interest. I never been to any shrink but consider the logic of what I say. I was insane once but now I couldn't be happier. I have people I can depend on. Who accept even my darkest side. Some CLAIM that but they MEAN it. And in turn I accept theirs. Since we have "dark past reasons" it's also been put to the test. That's more then can be said for others. How many people talk about "Our most darkest side" in relationships? What if you're a monster that could harm who you care about? You may fear yourself as I once did but to be accepted is not my choice or desire alone. it's also up to others. That's what I didn't understand long ago. And it makes such a big difference.

Learning. The normal way of things doesn't work. The normal perceptions don't work. Normal is a ######6 lie. It simply is. "You should do this. You shouldn't do that. This is right. That's wrong." THAT IS HYPOCRISY AND CONTRADICTING WHEN YOU CLAIM YOU DON'T DECIDE FOR OTHERS WHICH IS WHAT MAKES PEOPLE DEPRESSED AND SUICIDAL. Huff. Puff. If "Allowing mistakes" is healthy then I want nothing to do with it. Just had to get that off my chest. If you learn from the mistake you make you're a hypocrite that learns. If you just use the excuse of "everyone does that" I move on and don't trust you. Others don't make that excuse. Others TRY to learn and not repeat past mistakes. Like me. The weird made more sense. I started to find the reasons. Less labels, less excuses. There's a lot of hypocrisy in the world but I avoid many mistakes that others do. by remaining so aware of it then it becomes instinctive. Like telling others what they need. That's not up to me. Hurting people with the truth. I can do that. It's needed. I'm afraid of doing it but I DO it. And if you claim to care then you can do it too. Asking why something is "obvious". Which in turn leads to them not being able to answer. You said it was obvious. Here I am with crossed arms with a smirk on my face. You hate me for it. You might want to choke the hell out of me. But then people love me. They LOVE me. I didn't just earn this bloody ego, I earned love and trust and loyalty. Do you have any idea how liberating that feels? To be able to talk to someone and ask them why they're in the right but then have them tell you they're wrong and love you for it? I'm that good. And I want them to be that good too. Others learn from me. Like my logic. Love me for it. Not one people or a few but most. Those that listen. Any that doesn't listen don't know enough to make a call.

Always looked past the hate with my first ex. It paid off. My other ex? I looked past her fear. It paid of. The two had a crush on each other in the end. hate and fear attract. The former stems from the later. Being understanding works wonders. Not deciding between them works wonders. Loyalty isn't "one only". It's "Here no matter what". Even if someone is afraid of being replaced. I actually did choose at first. I was a traitor. Sure, THEY self harmed but it was ME that turned my back. I CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT I DID. What do others do? Say it was "just their choice"? No, that's not how it works. There's REASONS that WE give others for doing things. good and bad alike. This includes a third ex who shot herself. I am guilty but I'm not beating myself up anymore. People DIED because of me. But how many people will admit their own actions are WHY someone put a gun to their head? Examined the situation. Saw only the worst of myself at first. For a along time. But eventually it all clicked.

Being made to choose=bad. Logic dictated "never again". Not when I care. That logic, that one simple bit of logic has avoided past mistakes for others as much as myself. That simple logic is why I can go "I'm scared of hurting you". Even mono people end up more poly with me (not a metaphor. My partner was VERY mono in the past. It's actually more about jealousy and proving fears are unfounded which contradicts trust) because, as they said, my loyalty can't be questioned. I'm a pain, I can be a dick, but my loyalty is absolute. If I leave one person when I care about them then how can you trust I won't leave you? If you ditch someone else then what's stopping you from doing it with me? If I can be happy with others (and will wherever you like it or not) but is there anything stopping you from doing the same? Up to you. Be happy with just one which happens to be me or enjoy other company. Either that or toss me aside and find someone else. Offered that last option. It was rejected. Questioned why I'm seen as a friend. It lead to love. I'm smart enough to ask the hard questions. I'm wise enough to detect when someone is in denial and make them feel better. And I'm no deluded idiot that pretends being told I'm trusted is enough when the actions or fears contradict. I earned this. And it feels soooo goooood. Who said having an ego is a bad thing? Not me. Does it make you feel inadequate when you don't know how to cheer someone up when they're down? Well tough. Go earn it through experience of how you affect others and making mistakes. Or learn from others. I EARNED this talent through blood, sweat and tears and that's not even a metaphor. People had to DIE for this. The least I can do is learn from it and use what I know to benefit others I care about. So let me enjoy it. I enjoy getting others to be less depressed. I enjoy making sure I avoid depression myself. I enjoy removing the reasons to die and giving the reasons to live. I even enjoy being hated and insulted because I understand fear and "twisted affection". I don't fear hate. I fear the absence of it. Because that's the point someone no longer cares at all. Hate at least can be turned into love. I repeat. I turn hate into love. I'm talking Mr and Mrs Smith kind of hate with venom and a double dose of toxicity. Damn right I take pride in that. Bad joke here. Take an insult as a compliment there. Poof. Laid the foundation for it. I take great amusement in toying with the expectations of others. For I prove I'm not as bad as they thought. Provided they're not extremely judgemental or something. Makes me happy. Makes them happy (or less hostile at least). It's win-win. Or maybe only I win if someone wanted me to be down instead of take an insult as a compliment. I have that power and control. Do you?

I learned by being put in the really difficult positions. After my hard past... I was afraid. Of others yes, but more then that I was afraid of myself. Do you know what that's like? To see yourself as "wrong to exist"? Not from the judgement of others, not from what you been told, but from what you did? Why should I care if no one else did. Only... They did care. Well, ok then. Every expectation turned around. Every good impossible thing happening. And how many people act like that can't happen? It can. You just don't LET it happen. You don't even consider the POSSIBILITY when you say it's impossible. That's a you problem. Not a reality problem. I'm enjoying this by the way. Putting you down if you made those excuses. I'm enjoying it because I know you can stop believing what you been told and what you expect and instead make an effort. Like I had too. The effort at least has the chance for results. What does doing nothing do? I face impossible situations on a daily bases. I make each and every one end well.

BLAM! Suicidal person. What do I do? Easy. Logic. Facts. truth. I was so afraid the first time this happened. But it came to me so easily. A question that gets them to find the answer themselves. Calling #######4 on excuses (You're not wanting to kill yourself for others. You're doing it for you. 9/10 times that is). They survive. Not only that we ease up and get on. Laugh. I feared being in this situation again. But I talked them out of it. Felt good. Felt like a one off as well. And most importantly of all, IT WAS UP TO THEM! I'm really pissed off people lose sight of "good intentions" and how much harm it causes.

BLAM! Another one. Same result. Or similar. But similar enough.

BLAM! Another one. Same result. Didn't go looking for any of these. The world just happens to have depressed people all over. Any wonder when we're on the brink of WW3?

BLAM! Someone has a gun. Tense debates, you know. Not at their own head this time. More mine. In the end they kissed my hand as we parted in peace. This is how good I am. This is why I am boasting. I don't do that in a debate itself of course. I can put my personal feelings aside there. But right now I'm not in one. I'm bragging. I can do this. Can you? Have you? Should I be sad and depressed instead of happy? Why can't I make it about me when I matter too? Don't bother answering. It's not up to you. Just as importantly why aren't you reminding yourself of the good things you're capable of to counter depression instead of beating yourself up? What, did you think this was just about me? No. This is about knowing a loved one can remind themselves if I'm not around to remind them. I love them but what if something happens to me?

BLAM! Someone with trust issues and irrational fears. But they can admit that. Even if they do make excuses. Communication, reasons. They get down, I cheer them up. They see the worst of themselves and I say why it isn't true. Because if you put up with me then you got some real high mental fortitude. I get suicidal over someone that isn't even there and this person talk me out of it. Hey, I'm good but I'm not perfect. I still make mistakes. But I make less then most others. I tear apart your eyes when you're in denial and living in "sunshine and rainbows" and making it about "fun" as you pretend to be a "nice" person when you're actually using others as tools for your own pleasure alone as you lie in their faces to spare their feelings as if you know better for them when it's about yourself and your own problems. Be there for me and I'm there for you. Do the things I like and I'll do the things you like. Simple enough logic. Be yourself instead of hiding because that's all you can be. Simple enough logic. Why hide and live in fear? "Not your business" is just an excuse. Not to mention deciding for others. "I don't want the to know?" Fair enough. but WHY? Cut through the #######4. Get to the answer. It's kind of funny how someone jokingly tells me to stop making sense. It made them feel like they could be themselves more. Shyness might be a part of you but is it a part you WANT? Does changing it have to be a bad thing?

A random stranger with only a picture and a few comments in a random thread. I state what I see in regards to personality (they asked) and I get a thank you message because of an honest (and accurate) answer. A picture does indeed say a thousand words. But how many people are observent enough to detect it? I'm one of them. Are you?

Make no mistake though, I'm not a "good" person. Far from it. I have my dark, twisted side. And I don't trust random people reading to go into detail on that. Frankly I am "Jack the Ripper" from "Metal Gear: REVENGEANCE". You get the extremes of both with me. In fact I see a lot of danger and harm in being "a good person". You still get that with the dark honesty but at least it's honest and known. I don't try to be good. I just try to be loyal and honest. And right now I feel like I'm simply "better" then a lot of others. Because the truth is a lot of people don't even TRY to think about how they affect others. Then they make themselves hypocrites and make excuses or live in denial and lie and deceive. I have no sympathy anymore. Not unless I've given a reason to care (easy enough really. Just show me you're trying to be aware. I get the ball rolling to make it easier for others). I earned this. A lot of others didn't. Even if some do. You get some that try to learn and fail but a lot simply don't even try at all. Be an idiot by all means but the least some people can do is admit it. All blame with no responsibility. All claims with no proof or facts or logic.

Hm. Well, I was making myself happy going on about how I earned this talent. But now that I said a lot of people don't even try it just makes me concerned. Mainly because I know someone that forgets to remind themselves of good things (self validation. It's important. When truthful and honest). But I teach others and most listen. They in turn avoid making "deadly mistakes". So that's something.

Seriously, speaking for others is something too many people do. It's like some people WANT there to be unstable and volatile people. Because when you tell them what they need and remove their choice it's going to make them not care about what they do because at least then it's their choice. Think about that very carefully. I don't call it wrong but I do prove it's harmful.

And that's enough ranting from me.