Assertiveness, an essential skill for self esteem

One of the most important skills to develop is Assertiveness. Being assertive means you don't allow others to take advantage of you, you defend your rights while also respecting other peoples rights. You set limits/boundaries. Without limits, antisocial/aggressive persons will have all the space they want to harm you.

However, my honest advice is to keep away from aggressive persons (or situations that make you feel uncomfortable - just be sure you really don't want to be in such situations, because, I believe, if you want to be there but you don't go because you are afraid or feel anxious then it's more likely an avoidance and continuous avoidances can be harmful to your mental wellness), because they tend to damage your self esteem with your behaviour.

Here is a useful article to read:

Assertiveness
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Assertiveness is a trait taught by many personal development experts and psychotherapists and the subject of many popular self-help books. It is linked to self-esteem and considered an important communication skill.

As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries; their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to harm or otherwise unduly influence them. They are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. They are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.

Contents
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1 Definition
2 Assertive people
3 Benefits
4 Techniques
5 Examples
6 Applications
7 References
8 External links

Definition

Assertive style of behavior is to express your own feelings in an honest and respectful way that does not insult people and to stand up for your rights while you know what you say is not the only valid truth. Being assertive is to one's benefit most of the time but it does not mean that one always gets what he/she wants. The result of being assertive is that 1) you feel good about yourself 2) other people know how to deal with you and there is nothing vague about dealing with you.[citation needed]

Assertive people

Assertive people have the following characteristics[citation needed]:

They feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires.

They know their rights.

They have control over their anger. It does not mean that they repress this feeling. It mean that they control it for a moment and then talk about it later in a logical way.

They have a good understanding of feelings of the person they are communicating with.

Benefits

By learning to be assertive, passive people feel more empowered as they learn to say no and be more expressive about their thoughts and feelings[citation needed]. Aggressive people benefit from assertiveness as they learn to manage their anger and express and use it more constructively to build relations. However, the benefits of assertiveness are not necessarily welcomed everywhere. The empowerment of saying "no" could actually be interpreted by Fatalistic cultures as rude.[citation needed]

Techniques

A popular technique advocated by assertiveness experts is the Broken record technique.[citation needed] This consists of simply repeating your requests every time you are met with illegitimate resistance. The term comes from vinyl records, the surface of which when scratched would lead the needle of a record player to loop over the same few seconds of the recording indefinitely.

Another technique some suggest is called Fogging, which consists of finding some, limited truth to agree with in what an antagonist is saying.[citation needed] More specifically, one can agree in part or agree in principle.

Negative inquiry consists of requesting further, more specific criticism.[citation needed] Negative assertion however, is agreement with criticism without letting up demand.

Examples

Applications

Several research studies have identified assertiveness training as a useful tool in the prevention of alcohol use disorders.[citation needed]

References
Smith, M. J. (1975). When I say no, I feel guilty. New York: Bantam Books.

Bower, S. A. & Bower, G. H. (1991). Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change. 2nd ed. Reading, MA: Addison Wesley

Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons (1992). Your Perfect Right : A Guide to Assertive Living. 6th ed. San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact Publishersv

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assertiveness

There are times when assertiveness can be taken too far.

This must be avoided.

I know much of my lack of self esteem is because of my lack of valuable friends.

It is no surprise. I am a very bold, opinionated individualist. My opinions often conflict with those of the majority. For example, I have a YouTube channel dedicated to philosophy, and I am an ardent atheist in a Christian school. Another example, when the new Harry Potter book came out I had no problem voicing my opinion that Harry Potter is an example of what is wrong with literature these days.

People do not like that.

My other problem is that I think about these beliefs so much that I have rationalised them and engraved them so well into myself that it is very hard to change my opinion unless I actually want it to be changed.

I use this phrase a lot in my religious arguments, yet I am a prime example: smart people do an excellent job of rationalising dumb beliefs.

This inevitably leads to A LOT of arguments, and people loathing and despising me for it.

Of course, this is never good for ones self esteem.

When I tried to develop assertiveness I took it too far. I was insecure in my abilities to assert so I was overly-aggressive to really stake my claim. Even now I tend to hold the possibility that if I do not prove my point I am seen as wrong and judged negatively in that light.

I blame my religious debates primarily for this attitude. When in a debate most of the theists, being subjected only to the Christian perspective, assume that if I cannot prove my 'claim' then I am wrong, that the burden of proof is on me. This is the complete opposite of the truth, they are in fact making the claim and I simply do not agree, but they see it differently. If that is the case with something like religious belief, where the burden of proof is clearly on the opposition, and yet I feel like it is on me, I have no hope in an argument where the burden of proof IS on me.

Anyway, I digress. I have taken up an extremely aggressive attitude with my assertiveness, and as a result I am notoriously loathed throughout the student ranks, which does worse for my self esteem, causing me to be more aggressive. It's the spin cycle effect.

I feel I may be rambling too much here, but I felt I needed to say my piece on aggressive assertiveness, and why you should avoid it if you have low self-esteem.

I've always found that even when I'm just being mildly and politely assertive, I get accused of being too aggressive. Seems like once you let people walk on you any effort to stand up for yourself is viewed as hostile.... or maybe that's just for women.

Men can generally get away with being more assertive, that's because of the hegemonic image they are socialised into.

We will normally hold males and females to different standards. We will criticise a female for being too aggressive, but we could also accuse a male who has the same level of aggressiveness of not being assertive enough.

Assertiveness is, in my opinion, one of the best qualities a person can develop. Perhaps even more important than self esteem itself, because it safeguards you and your self esteem against other people's attacks to you (because of jealousy, hate, fear etc). If you feel unsafe, it's hard to develop self esteem (read about Marlow's pyramid of needs).

Assertiveness is not about being agressive. They are totally different. An aggressive person does not take into account other people's rights. An assertive person respects others' people rights as much as his/her own.

So, it's good that you said what you thought of Harry Potter. It does not hurt anybody's rights. You, saying what you believed is absolutely OK, you can't agree with everybody or on every topic and if the people with whom you spend time with seem not to accept much of what you say, it sounds as they disrespect you and you may want to find new people to be with, people that will respect you.

I find it that when I am assertive, I create beef with people. I get defined as pouty, hostile, selfish, looser and agressive etc. I know for fact that I am not those things, but that is how I get defined. Problem is: what if you cannot completely eliminate the people who define me such way, from my life? Maybe this is more of an issue becasue I am a woman.

I have a very low self esteem and setting boundries is something I have been working on for a while. Being raised female, to be seen not heard, never to ask for anything for myself (but my brothers did and got what they asked for).
The people around me fight me when I try to set boundries. I still am not sure what assertiveness is and I certainly don't want to be aggressive. I am tired of everyone else coming first and only getting what's left over. I am a kind, generious, caring, compassionate person and I don't want to change only to get some control and some share.
All suggestions will be welcome!

greenfig wrote:I find it that when I am assertive, I create beef with people. I get defined as pouty, hostile, selfish, looser and agressive etc. I know for fact that I am not those things, but that is how I get defined. Problem is: what if you cannot completely eliminate the people who define me such way, from my life? Maybe this is more of an issue becasue I am a woman.

Assertive people don't spend time thinking about other people thinking they are hostile, just because they expressed their views, feelings, desires, boundaries.

If you find yourself thinking about it, then you are far from being assertive. With truly assertive people, it's automatic, not pre-meditated. You must get to that stage though, slowly, through a therapy or a program. People who were lucky enough to have assertive parents passed that exam when they were 5 years old, because they had good teachers ( children just imitate what they see in their parents), and thus they stay assertive by mechanism, for life.

Erin51 wrote:I have a very low self esteem and setting boundries is something I have been working on for a while. Being raised female, to be seen not heard, never to ask for anything for myself (but my brothers did and got what they asked for).
The people around me fight me when I try to set boundries. I still am not sure what assertiveness is and I certainly don't want to be aggressive. I am tired of everyone else coming first and only getting what's left over. I am a kind, generious, caring, compassionate person and I don't want to change only to get some control and some share.
All suggestions will be welcome!

Addressing issues and setting up boundaries is protecting your own personal space, not gaining control or power over others. Make a difference between the two.

Hi somebody, thanks for giving that info. That's a nice one. You made us realize to stand up for our own selves. I also apply that on myself and it really works. It's like you are letting the people know that you cannot be manipulated which is good and a good confidence boosting.