Assertiveness, an essential skill for self esteem

Erin51 wrote:I have a very low self esteem and setting boundries is something I have been working on for a while. Being raised female, to be seen not heard, never to ask for anything for myself (but my brothers did and got what they asked for).
The people around me fight me when I try to set boundries. I still am not sure what assertiveness is and I certainly don't want to be aggressive. I am tired of everyone else coming first and only getting what's left over. I am a kind, generious, caring, compassionate person and I don't want to change only to get some control and some share.
All suggestions will be welcome!

Hi Erin.
I completely get what you're saying, and it's really tough to change the dynamics of your relationship with people at this point in time, because the dynamics are already established, and they will resist whatever change you make, so be prepared for that. Assertiveness doesn't have to be aggressive - in fact, I think the moment you become aggressive you lose the battle already, because you're going to get a myriad of hurt, offended or hostile reactions back at you. What you need is maintaining your boundaries, not just setting them, because people will resent that you want to have your time and space, and not cater to THEIR needs. I have trouble setting boundaries with people too, and it has taken time and effort (and a lot of arguments) to say, 'look, this is where my boundaries are and I would appreciate if you would respect it.'

I don't know if it has to be difficult to or wether people will resent you for placing boundaries for yourself. Tehy may even applaud the fact and appreciate the personal growth that you are making. Try to be positive about it because negative emotions will hamper your progress. The best medicine for progress is beginnning the day with a positive outlook. This day can be whatever yu want it to be. So do everything you can to remain positive. Because when you look at what you want and see that those things are options for you you will not even think about the fear of what others might do or say. It really helps to have a higher power. For many it is God. A higher power is what you call on for strength and guaidance when you feel unable or lost. You may already know that. However I find that when I pray to my higheer power that it takes me out of my own head and opens me up to the immediate and allows me to not think that everything will fail. It is also very important to stay out of your own head. Staying out of your head allows you to interact and make the changes that you want to make. Hope something rang out to you.

Major

Thank you for sharing

It is good to be assertive to a certain extent. You need to find a good balance where you can assert what you want out of life without stomping over other people. You do need to listen and consider others needs as well as yours in social situations.

plicketycat wrote:I've always found that even when I'm just being mildly and politely assertive, I get accused of being too aggressive. Seems like once you let people walk on you any effort to stand up for yourself is viewed as hostile.... or maybe that's just for women.

I totally agree. You're either a doormat or a b***h. You can't win. People look down on you for being a doormat and walk all over you, laughing the whole time, or... you stand up to them firmly but not aggressively and they become angry and offended and act like you're such a snobby witch. I say, forget what they think, I would choose being an assertive "b***h" over a cowering doormat any day.

Empowering yourself, in general, is one of the best strategies for building self-confidence.

What's you advice on how to avoid aggressive persons? I've heard this a lot of time, but it seems unassertive people tend to be targeted by people with aggressive personalities.

Personally I feel that assertiveness is essential for dealing with people in your life. I have realised that for most part of my life I have not been assertive. I find it hard to express my feelings, and usually try to avoid being vulnerable, take the moral high road ( I am above the agressors pettyness) and resort to what I call ''therapeutic bullying'', that is to say exposing the vulnerabilities of the ''attacker'', talk in analogies or stories which resonate with their insecuraties, exposing their ''issues''. Or i make sublte remarks about their social standing and fear of social hierarchy. For example, I started a new job and this guy who kind of acts popular starts attacking me as i walk into the elevator while releasing a huge sigh. So the guy says ''Sigh, B'' in a sarcastic tone. So my response to that is, "well i guess you are very sensitive to non-verbal signals and communication". Apparantly this struck a cord, because the guy immidiatly got tense and said ''Is that so?'' 'I respond ''Well apparently, but hey dont take it personal, my sigh had nothing to do with you, so you dont have to feel offended or anything (in a mild asrcastic manner). The guy shuts up and later that day stares at me in some kind of way all the time from his desk.
Personally I feel my response was mildly assertive at best. What do you think?

BTW: This is how I usually react to people who give me $#%^.

How does someone develop this skill? I have low self esteem due to my upbringing and to this day, I literally cannot communicate my feelings, or have the ability to clearly define boundaries with others. Just recently, I learned to say "no" at work.
I'm tired of being a doormat for my family and work. I don't have many friends, so I'm not their doormat.

It's difficult to be assertive in an environment where people around you criticize you. At work, if you say something, if you bring up issues that are clearly wrong, then I come off as the angry one.

Hello,

I find this a very interesting topic. I think people who are assertive usually have learnt it early in their childhood because of their upbringing. It maybe is related on both their family and their culture. If you have been taught everybody are equal and do have same value you also tend to appreciate yourself. I also do believe it is the (main) responsibility of parents to teach for their children to stand for themselves and to be independent and strong. Unfortunately all parents don’t do that.

When you do value yourself you get angry if someone try to oppress you or try to assault you without any reason. You don’t allow that kind of behavior and you want to stop it immediately. You are confident and you “make” other people to respect you in the workplace for example because you don’t accept other kind of response.

It is probably quite difficult to learn that as an adult. I think the main point is to react at the start. When someone does try to assault you first time you have to react immediately. Don’t think “It is nothing I should wait if something bigger does appear”. Because otherwise it tend to continue. It is a skill you can practice. Don’t care about others reaction because you are justified to stand for yourself.

Dahlia