Feeling very lonely in college

Hey guys and thanks in advance for reading/responding.

Here's the thing. I'm 23, male, in college. I was bullied a lot in my first 2-3 years of high school to the point of being suicidal, because of my appearance (weak jaw, big ears, mostly). At the time I searched around online and most advice I had was "Yea just develop a sense of humor and a cool personality and it will work". And it did work, but it had a few side effects. I started reading a lot and became this extremely extrovert guy who was always messing around. I had girls clearly interested in me (though I was still too insecure to get sexual so I would literally just say "bye" and walk away after leaving them at their house) and I made friends with 4-5 people in my senior year who are still close friends to this day.

At 18 I got into college. But I was just fresh out of high school and extremely insecure. I was expecting to be bullied, and although I was never bullied or verbally attacked, I was left out from the class. I ended up dropping after 6 months. I believe that if I was accepted by at least a few people in that class and did develop a relationship, I would be able to finish that course. Same thing happened in my second college: felt left out and eventually dropped out. I went to my hometown college (now with a 2-3 year difference regarding everyone else) and started living with my parents again. Keep in mind these 3 years (6 months on my 1st college + 2 years on my second college failing at almost every subject) I didn't interact with anyone apart from my previous group of friends and housemates.

So when I arrived at this new college, I decided to make an effort to make friends. And it kinda worked out... for a while. I was invited to dinners, I got along with almost everyone, etc. There 2-3 people I just couldn't reach: they wouldn't laugh at my jokes or engage with me or anything, but that didn't affect me. Eventually I started developing a closer relationship with 2 girls. I had no hidden feelings for either; I didn't find them particularly interesting or attractive, but they were fun to be around. Sometimes. But most of the time... meh. They would not laugh at my jokes as well, and they would close themselves off on Instagram and Facebook. Talking about interesting subjects was out of the question because they didn't read anything that wasn't required for class and didn't have any hobbies. They also loved drinking, and I don't. But I was still so desperate to develop new friendships and relationships with new people I just let the fact that most of the time I was having no fun around them and was even feeling disrespected. They invited me out for dinner and drinks, we studied together, and all in all I was so afraid to let them go that I lost my ability to look at this relationship objectively.

Things got worse when a guy from my class entered the picture. He used to be this quiet guy, but now he was more outgoing, and constantly saying whatever comes to his mind. He's extremely energetic. He will get into people's conversations, he will speak loudly and in a very rushed, kinda high-pitched voice, he's almost always sending out joke after joke after joke. And although he has no hobbies or interests or skills, he does read a lot of articles and their comments, so he is up to speed regarding cars, sports, fashion, pop culture, etc. And this is when things really went downhill: he inserted himself in the little group I had with those 2 girls. And one of them was all over him. Everything he said was hilarious, and even when he was in a more serious stance, she would engage with him (whereas if I made a comment most of the time it would go unanswered). They were always teasing each other, physically and verbally (eg. Pushing each other, lightly punching each other, etc). She could be talking to me, then stop without letting me respond, and go up to him to talk to him instead.

So now I was constantly feeling inferior and turned this into a competition. This guy was able to get further than I ever managed. Regarding these 2, while most of the time in my relationship with them I was constantly feeling left out and totally disconnected from them, they (especially this one) were always on and having fun around him. And I couldn't bring that out of them. This eventually led into a series of arguments which led us to completely cut off all kind of communication and we don't even look at each other anymore. Meanwhile, they got closer to the other guy. Now this one girl I was talking about is always putting her head on his shoulders, or putting her arm around him, laughing at all his jokes, etc. Before we cut contact they would only be with him at school and parties and dinners at their house. Now they eat at each other's house regularly.

This eventually got the rest of the class involved as well. Everyone likes this guy. Everyone I get along with gets along with him. And people I was never able to reach get along with him as well. So there is deep rooted belief that is now burning inside of me: if I want to connect to more people and not feel lonely, I need to be as outgoing, funny, silly, eccentric, learn a lot about pop culture and random articles, and generally be as energetic as this guy. This got me into therapy, but now my therapist was diagnosed with cancer, and it wasn't helping that much to be honest.

So now I am missing most classes because I can't stand to listen to this guy's loud comments and jokes throughout the class and having everyone else laugh at almost every joke, have absolutely no motivation to study or do any work, and my mind is constantly plagued with questions such as: how do I become like this guy? What do most people see in him? Is that girl romantically or sexually attracted to him? Or do these people just see a funny jokester that is the "class clown" and that they can have fun with, but don't see someone they can connect/build a relationship with (so he's just an entertainer)?

Either way this is that one thing that has been in my head for months. Because I CAN'T be that silly. Even when I'm being spontaneous and making people laugh, my jokes are extremely deadpan to the point you can't tell I'm making a joke. Sometimes I just say what's on my mind and people die laughing and I have no idea why. But for this to happen I can't try to be funny. If I try to be funny, and I think "Ok I'm going to make a joke now" or "Ok this conversation has been serious for too long, joke time" and start getting silly, then it falls flat. Horribly flat, because you can see I'm trying too hard and not being me at all.

And this is my main problem: thinking I have to be as silly and energetic and extroverted as this guy, because hey it worked: he ended up with a girl that no longer even looks at me, and he gets along with every single person in that class. Of course, this is just the last drop on the camel's back. Although this is the biggest problem right now and I don't feel like going to class or finish this course mostly because of it, it all roots back to the fact I feel incapable of making connections with people. It seems everyone else has this amazing social life, and I'm sitting here with the same friends I made 4+ years ago and a few acquaintances who only go out with me when I'm the one inviting them. I'm feeling very lonely right now.

If anyone could share a story or experience along the same lines, please do. Thank you a lot.

Hey there,

I'm very sorry you're going through this (or were in May). Have things changed for you since then?
I'm afraid your post was pretty long which is why I imagine no one's responded yet.

My first impression is that you're fixated on how much you're liked by others and overall popularity. I think life will be hard for you if you put your need to be liked above things like your future (ie dropping out of college because of it). I also think you shouldn't be trying to be someone you're not. Joking around or being silly or interesting should not be something you force. People pick up on the fact that it doesn't feel genuine. I think the best way to make friends is to pursue your own interests and then meet other people who are into the same things, and to be yourself. If you nurture the best parts of yourself, and self correct the worst, and want to connect with others; then that's all you'll need to make friends. You don't need to think about being more silly or when to make a joke, etc.

In my experience whenever you let your insecurities dictate your actions, or overthink something, or try too hard socially, it just doesn't work. And the times when I'm just myself and am not caught up in my own insecurities things do work out. It's really a win-win, in that if you seek out a healthy state of mind and being kind to yourself, other aspects of your life will fall into place. For you it might mean finding a new therapist (sometimes it takes trying out a few different ones to find a good fit), and beginning to address the insecurities that were heaped onto you from being bullied in your formative years.

I also think you should really let go of comparing yourself to this other guy, or future guys like him. There will always be someone smarter, better looking, funnier and more popular. If you want to be miserable, always comparing yourself to others is a short path to it.

Finally, you're only 23 and college is such a brief period of time. People start going their separate ways after it anyway. These days I only have one friend I occasionally hang out with from college and a couple from high school. At the time those feel like your entire world, but truly it's just a blip in a long life.

Please do not let your future fall to the wayside because of social reasons. Getting yourself a good career will help a lot with feeling better about yourself, and make your life easier in many ways as well. Personally, I also find working out is a great way to feel better about yourself, look better, feel better mentally, and greatly reduce the impact of things like OCD, anxiety, depression. And most importantly, I think being kind to yourself and working towards good mental health will facilitate all the others things to fall into place in your life. If you feel good about yourself and are open to connecting with others, and also putting yourself out there, you will make friends and won't need to 'try' beyond that.

Hope you're doing well.