How to accept being grotesque?

I am 31yrs old and an extremely grotesque woman. As a child/teenager I was bullied severely on a daily basis (I won’t go into details) but it ruined my life. As a result, every day since then has been a struggle and of course I suffer with anxiety and depression. I have taken nearly every antidepressant under the sun, but the side effects, especially they weight gain and gastro ones cause havoc with my self esteem or rather lack of and my IBD making me suffer physically. So I do not take them.
I’m a good person with a good heart. I work in care, I would do ANYTHING for anyone and put everyone else first. I have a welcoming and cheerful disposition, I’m a team player. But physically, I am grotesque and as a result, I am treated like $#%^ on a daily basis. I have lost several jobs from panic attacks where I couldn’t cope with my self hate and appearance, and couldn’t get out of the house which resulted in days missed from work and therefore getting fired. When people come into work now and see me or when I meet new people their eyes go wide, they look shocked and some physically recoil. It’s an extremely awful thing to have to witness.

Even though I I am aware of how ugly I am, after all these years I still can’t accept it. I mean I accept it so much as I know what I am and there is nothing I can do about it - I bath every day, I wear clean ironed clothes & make up & I am constantly on a diet. I’ve lost 3 strone (41lbs) and I have 1 stone (14lbs) more to go. But emotionally, I am really struggling to accept that I am ugly and that I will never have a husband or a family as a result of this. HOW do I learn to accept that I am so ugly and disconnect any emotional feelings towards this so that I am not devastated every time I have to look in the mirror or accidentally catch sight of myself, or HAVE to leave the house and get ready hours before I have to leave to allow me time to have a panic attack and recover so I’m not late? I’ve hard counselling and I was told “there are people I see with REAL problems” so I never went back. Ok sure, she was right, but I am a prisoner in my own home. I only leave the house to go to work. I don’t have many friends and I never see them anyway. I incorporate all my chores & food shopping into one day so I don’t have to go out more than necessary and be seen in public.
I need to break free from this. I need to emotionally detach. How? Do I need to save up and see a psychotherapist? Thank you xo

First things first. You need to always be on your side. You cant accept any 3rd parties opinion of yourself and own it by calling yourself grotesque.

Secondly you must never under any circumstance analyze yourself. you will always find yourself lacking because we all as human beings have a truncated view of what we really are by nature.

I am the 1st to understand that these are tall orders easier said than done .. but comfort yourself with the fact that the easiest way to control a mind that is out of control on a self deprecating mission, is stillness. If you need more info i would gladly help you on this journey I have taken so long ago.

Don't accept being grotesque. It's the easy way out. Try something new: Accept being beautiful.

You've already made much progress in weight loss, so be proud of that. Be your own best friend, not your worst enemy. Everyday, try to look in the mirror and say one good thing about yourself.

Counteract any negative thoughts about yourself with 3 positive things about yourself. If you every catch yourself demoralizing your own looks, remind yourself these are just thoughts. Then tell yourself how good and lovely you are.

Also, everyday, look in the mirror for 15 minutes and say how beautiful you are. This will build your self-esteem. Because if you believe you are beautiful, others will believe it, too. When you believe you are beautiful, no one's negative opinions will matter because you are amazing.

As to the therapist who have you bad advice ... there are many bad therapists out there. Take your time to find the right therapist. If the therapist you see is not helping you, dump them and find another one. Life is too short to receive abuse from a therapist -- who you pay to help you.

Hi,
I think you should check out the body dysmorphic forum here, it's under Somatoform and there are a lot of people there who feel the way you do.
Also as someone else said you need to find a therapist who sees the seriousness of your situation like your not living your life, cant work, not leaving the house etc. Your problem is serious and you need a good therapist to help you. And express this to the therapist, dont let anyone downplay it. I hope you find the help you need.

RottenFish wrote:Don't accept being grotesque. It's the easy way out. Try something new: Accept being beautiful.

Counteract any negative thoughts about yourself with 3 positive things about yourself. If you every catch yourself demoralizing your own looks, remind yourself these are just thoughts. Then tell yourself how good and lovely you are.

Also, everyday, look in the mirror for 15 minutes and say how beautiful you are. This will build your self-esteem. Because if you believe you are beautiful, others will believe it, too. When you believe you are beautiful, no one's negative opinions will matter because you are amazing.

Sorry to hijack this thread but I tried those things and it just felt horribly, horribly stupid. I was too embarrassed to keep it up, even with no one else in the house. It just felt so absolutely ridiculous. It did not make me believe it at all, I can see that I am not beautiful. I am unable to lie myself into believing fiction.