I am contemplating suicide.

I want to commit suicide. I am male, 34, with no job, I quit my last three jobs because I felt being driven out by the environment, very little education, staying at my parents, society is ridiculing me and I feel my whole life was a lie and that I'm being paranoid. Everybody is talking behind my back. I am selfish and immature, i never did anything for anybody and i feel it's too late to fix things. I vent by drinking and smoking and i have isolated myself for years. Spent college years in my apartment alone and had friends over to drink and hang and later on I dropped out (I actually got degree but I cheated alot on my exams). No relationships or sex until age 26. Then I moved back to my parents where I failed time after time to find job and mainly stayed inside playing video games and guitar which i either borrowed from friends or my dad bought and watching porn online even escalating to sick stuff like animal porn. I've tried to break out from this cycle and have failed horribly and now I'm devastated, ashamed and I feel I'm too old and ruined to even try. I get bouts of hope and I feel alive and young and strong but terrible regret and guilt turns me into a human wreck. I moved to USA (I was born in America but grew up in Europe) to relatives but even though I liked it I still kept getting this ugly feeling of giving up and withdrawing in my room feeling tragically jealous of people's successful lives. My sexuality is mixed up. When I was young I made out with a male cousin but then went on believing that I like girls and that the incident never happened. till age 23 I couldn't find the will to actually have a girlfriend (I have been overweight most of my life and actually got into many crazy diets which ruined my eating habits and made me completely ocd while feeling a terrible low self esteem) and I failed to be aroused with a prostitute. At the time I was taking benzodiazepine pills from my fathers drawer daily to ease my huge stress and mixed sometimes with alcohol. At age 26 I finally got in shape and found a girlfriend but finally broke up with her cause I was constantly masturbating with gay porn behind her back and having anonymous cyber sex with guys. I then found a 24 year old male at age 28 with whom I had sex a number of times but broke it off and since I have been alone. I want to end my life fast and painlessly. Please help me. I have been to therapists and have failed to succeed in getting on without ######6 things up eventually. I have never been 100% open with them though and honest. Sometimes I feel I'm just procrastinating. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. It's like everybody is returning my behavior and they are talking to me as if I'm talking to myself then they tell me I'm being paranoid. I am a lazy destructive asshole who ###$ everything up and society is just helping me do the thing I do best, ###$ it all up. I want to die. I'm done I want out of this life.

Anyone please

Drinking and smoking were my best friends until they turned against me, then I realized how difficult it was to quit.
I lived with my mom or in my car or in a tent until I was 28 and it was keeping me sick. They told me that I had to move out or I wouldn't get better.
I had been self-medicating my anxiety for many years with booze and weed. Alcohol worked at first, but wound up creating even more anxiety. Weed made me paranoid and agoraphobic towards the end. I was full of fear.

I finally entered treatment for alcoholism. That is when I found out what had been wrong with me all these years. There were many others there who were like me.
They can't treat an active alcoholic or addict. The therapy won't sink in and they won't offer effective, stronger medications to you.

Alcohol was the first thing that had to go. I wasn't able to do that myself no matter how hard I tried. It took detox and rehab to break the spell and get me off the street (or out of the tent).
I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety disorder. The alcohol masked the feelings so well, that I didn't even realize that I was depressed. I only knew about the anxiety.
It took the people of AA and the 12-steps to help me learn to live without alcohol. I didn't get better right away, but I knew that I didn't want to go back to the way things were. It is possible to recover and not live in fear and pain. One day at a time.
Best of luck to you.

Wally58 wrote:Drinking and smoking were my best friends until they turned against me, then I realized how difficult it was to quit.
I lived with my mom or in my car or in a tent until I was 28 and it was keeping me sick. They told me that I had to move out or I wouldn't get better.
I had been self-medicating my anxiety for many years with booze and weed. Alcohol worked at first, but wound up creating even more anxiety. Weed made me paranoid and agoraphobic towards the end. I was full of fear.

I finally entered treatment for alcoholism. That is when I found out what had been wrong with me all these years. There were many others there who were like me.
They can't treat an active alcoholic or addict. The therapy won't sink in and they won't offer effective, stronger medications to you.

Alcohol was the first thing that had to go. I wasn't able to do that myself no matter how hard I tried. It took detox and rehab to break the spell and get me off the street (or out of the tent).
I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety disorder. The alcohol masked the feelings so well, that I didn't even realize that I was depressed. I only knew about the anxiety.
It took the people of AA and the 12-steps to help me learn to live without alcohol. I didn't get better right away, but I knew that I didn't want to go back to the way things were. It is possible to recover and not live in fear and pain. One day at a time.
Best of luck to you.

So you think that i have a substance dependency problem to mask my psychological issues? It's been 12 days that i have quit smoking and switched to nicorette and i have not had a single galss of wine for many days.

I can't determine if you have a substance dependency issue or not.. That is something that you would have to answer yourself.
I will say that out of what you wrote, that is what stood out to me the most because I went through chemical dependancy/alcoholism myself. It made life seem hopeless and not worth it towards the end. I was truly alone.
I was using alcohol to deal with general anxiety. When the alcohol was taken away, I had all this raw anxiety to deal with. It could become panic.
I was also diagnosed with depression (who knew?) that the alcohol was masking as a central nervous system sedative.
Just stopping drinking (which I couldn't do by myself successfully), didn't make things immediately better. I had to enter treatment which included therapy to recover from years of wrong thinking and wrong living.
I suppose that if you are interested, you could get an evaluation? Life is too short to be miserable. There is another way.
Best of luck to you.

Wally58 wrote:I can't determine if you have a substance dependency issue or not.. That is something that you would have to answer yourself.
I will say that out of what you wrote, that is what stood out to me the most because I went through chemical dependancy/alcoholism myself. It made life seem hopeless and not worth it towards the end. I was truly alone.
I was using alcohol to deal with general anxiety. When the alcohol was taken away, I had all this raw anxiety to deal with. It could become panic.
I was also diagnosed with depression (who knew?) that the alcohol was masking as a central nervous system sedative.
Just stopping drinking (which I couldn't do by myself successfully), didn't make things immediately better. I had to enter treatment which included therapy to recover from years of wrong thinking and wrong living.
I suppose that if you are interested, you could get an evaluation? Life is too short to be miserable. There is another way.
Best of luck to you.

Thank you.

Well i guess i have to get an evaluation both on possible chemical dependency and mental health issues. As far as i know, smoking, coffee, energy drinks and soft drinks are my most prominent addictions. (i guess nothing so serious). When i was younger (i am 34) i used to drink alot but not every day. I would spend a weekend with friends drinking a lot, waking up with a horrible hang over, getting on with life and after 3-4 weeks doing it again. That's pretty much it. Lately i changed jobs twice in a year, i did drink almost daily (like before bed along with greasy fattening snacks) because of stress and boredom actually and i ended up quitting both jobs, ended up in my mom's house where i drank and drank from about two weeks and then just found a sense of balance and grew actually sick of it and registered here wanting to get some answers to my problems before actually seeking some professional help (which is something i should had done earlier i guess). So no i don't think i have an issue with alcohol, not a deep rooted one. I many times do resort to alcohol to get through tough times or party but that is pretty much it. No withdrawals or other drama....