4:33 AM vent

4:33AM: Seems to me that I keep trying to find something to occupy my time instead of making use of it... I've been staying up all night everyday for the past couple of nights... 4.. 5.. nights i suppose. I say I suppose a lot too cuz thuy likes it. isn't that cute? hmm.. what the ###$ am i looking for.. i feel so heavy in the head. like overloaded. my eyes focus so hard sometimes its hard to just take a step back and just absorb the now instead of focusing on the details. is this bad? i can't type steadily. this is how i think. period. so what do i do? period. this is not good. period. my sentences are short and sweet. i have nothing to say to people. i don't want to let anyone know. i relate to dr. house md on a very personal level. it seems that i always try to find someone to relate to. it's weird. i can sit and just read my pharmacy technician book and actually learn something right now. during the day it seems that i'm trying to force my head to absorb more and more. absorb mroe of my time keep busy, ignore reality in a sort of way. i don't do what's important. i make up $#%^ to make myself think its important but it's really not. i'm needy. i feel the NEEEd to steal. i NEEEEd to read. I NEEEED to get out of the house. I NEEEEEED to watch movies. this is ridiculous addictive behavior. i can't even vent properly without even analyzing myself? what does that say about me? oh man i am completely ###$ up. hm. when i look at girls now i don't see potential for a meaninful relationship... i see hmm she gives me a blow job vibe. she's seems easy. she seems like a freak. she seems sexually naive. i look at thuy i feel i should say the right things but i feel i'm compromising my integrity. hm. thsi is not good. how do i honestly feel about thuy... do i love her? i do... but maybe not in that way. my heart doesn't flutter when she's around... i miss her company.. as im writing this im actually sort of missing her too. what does this mean. am i just confused? hm. oh yeah i need to jack off all the time too. it's not even about the pleasure i beeen jacking off like 2-3 times a day for the past couple of days too. hell i feel like i should jack off right now. it's like i keep trying to find different things to cover up my pain of life. sometimes when i don't even feel particularly horny i just.. sorta give it a hey wake up lets do some exercise. my eyes are tired but i am defying myself to write this. my eyes are blinking slowly. thuy.. i don't know.. im scared that i don't love you.. but more than that.. im scared i can't actually love.. i think im just afraid.. but i don't feel afraid.. i've pushed it into the back of my head so much i've become numb to it and it's become.. a normal feeling. so most of the time i just feel.. sort of numb like im not really all there. asian porn has been boring me lately so i switch to mexican porn, than they start looking too similar to asians so then i get bored of that and start awtching phat booty hoes.com and it ends up doing the job. but there is sometihng about this... i don't feel satisfied when i climax... like i used to. i just hope for the feeling to come and try to cum as soon as possible instead of waiting to anticipate. maybe i have given up on life. what a weird thing to realize after masturbation. but it's true.. i don't know. its sort of sad. i think i've given up on humanity. i looked up house md on wikipedia and saw the word "misanthrope" that described dr house and it just describes me perfectly. no wonder i feel like i can relate to him. normally i would have such a hard time writing something like this but i think it's because it's so late and i feel like i'm about to fall asleep i don't give a ###$ how i sound and the honesty just pours out. hm. i also read this quote on there

"House told her to go back to her husband, because he would not be willing to do whatever it would take to sustain a relationship. According to Wilson, this further proves House's need to be miserable, but may also show that House has a well-hidden sense of decency."

i relate to this. hm. my eyes are getting tired. i suppsoe i should sleep now.

Powerful, and I am even willing to say poetic.

Who is thuy and House?

Thuy is a complicated relationship I have with this girl.

House is the main character from the TV show "House M.D."

I sent the same vent to my friend through email and this is what she replied:

I guess I'll try to explain through email :p Bear with me.

I really sympathize with you, I do. However, I think right now you need more
than just sympathy, so I'll get straight to the point.

Basically, I think you need to snap out of it. By "it", I mean your mindset.
You think so negatively of yourself, and of the world around you, that
really, you're giving yourself no hope.

Also, I dont understand how u can give up on humanity. There's so much of
the world you haven't seen. There are so many things... so many. I really
want to stress that to you. When I was younger, I lived in a place where
chinese people are constantly being attacked. The local people sometimes
would just walk in, rob and rape, and then burn the houses after they were
done. But still, the victims survived. My parents survived that. My friends'
families survived that. I mean, these people are the everyday heroes. These
are the moments when you realize that wow... there are everyday people out
there who are truly couragerous, people who would fight for what's right.

Of course, maybe I'm speaking out of turn since I don't really know what
happened to you and what kind of life you've had in the past 19 years.
Still, what I'm trying to say is, don't condemn the rest of humanity just
because a handful of people that you've met so far has somehow smeared your
image of the world.

And of course you will run into people who are just crappy, #######5 people.
They exist. You can't expect everyone to be great right? But if you find
people like this, don't get affected by them. Don't surround yourself with
them. Find people, or even just one person, who are simply.. amazing. People
who will inspire you, people who will help you, people who will push you so
that you can change and become the person that you aspire to be.

Honestly, if you don't like who you are and don't like your life, take
control of it. Getting emotional, and angry and guilty, will change nothing.
Learn to change yourself one step at a time, just one step. Also, stop
filling your head with all these negative nonsense. Seriously. Stop
shit-talking yourself. Stop picking on yourself. That will lead to no where.
When you have thoughts like this, JUST STOP. STOP STOP STOP. Instead, focus
your energy on something that you will find emotionally gratifying,
something that will make you feel good as a person.

For instance, how about every morning, you start your day with... positive
thoughts. Think about what kinds of things that you like about yourself.
Think about what kinds of things you could do that will make you feel, at
the end of the day, that you've accomplished something. Ask yourself if
you've tried your best to change the day before. If not, then push yourself
harder. Some of the things that I think will help you out include: helping
out the sick, the blind, the elderly, and so forth. Help out the people who
are most vulnerable. But of course, it could be something else, anything
that will make you, Nick Nguyen, feel good, so that you can replace all
those negative thoughts in your head.

As a human, you have so much potential to offer the world. Everyone does.
Some people choose to use that potential, other people ignore it and instead
waste their life hiding in a safe little niche that they've created,
oblivious to the rest of the world. Since we only have 1 life in this
lifetime, it's a shame to choose to live it so ignorantly, don't u agree?
Especially when there is sooo much untold beauty and secrets and wonderful
things that are of this world, waiting for us to find them.

So.... I don't know if i expressed myself clear enough. I'm not very good at
talking through email. Anyhow, my bottom line i suppose is this:

You've obviously reached a point in your life where you understand that
there's something wrong with whatever you've been doing so far because you
feel that there is something lacking in ur life. That's good. That's enough.
Now, you can choose to continue questioning yourself, to keep torturing
yourself about why why whyyy your life became like this, why you became like
this. Or, you can stop criticizing yourself, and do something about your
life. One tiny step at a time.

It's as simple as that.

Next time, I hope you will be telling me good news.. ok? Lols I have
faith in you. And now that you have my number, feel free to call if you feel
that you're losing yourself ok? I'll hear you out.

Goodnight and good luck.[quote][/quote]