venting?

im sick of trying to rant to friends about my life and crap and then feeling bad cuz....its a cry for attention? so...i'll post here~

last year i was dealing with depression(at least i think so...cuz i secretly cried ALOT and didnt tell anyone)~ i got over it to an extent and decided to get proactive and change my life....started uni this year and maybe because i was expecting too much to change that im becomming depressed again.
i have no idea where im going in my life, and i feel like im wasting my parents money by going to uni. i went to a prestigious all girls school and ive been sheltered my whole life. ive never been in love, and now that i think back on it, i think its the lack of relationships in my life thats been making me depressed. maybe im unable to love anyone seriously. everytime someone likes me...i end up avoiding them and loosing them as a friend all together.
im extremely close to my family, and i have plenty of friends, but....noone knows what im really like, deep inside. ive been told im overly bubbly, cute, pretty ect. it gives me this huge ego boost for a while...which makes me act even more "cute". but then my own behavior disgusts myself. because....its not real. the image i project to everyone else isnt all of me. they only see me as this carefree person with no troubles...
i really dont have any reason to feel this way, compared to the hardships other people have gone through. nothing drastically went wrong in my childhood i dont think. my parents are divorced...but nowadays whos parents arnt? they both love me alot, and ive got a brother who takes care of me as well. completely and utterly sheltered.

i keep hoping one drastic life changing event will change me, someone will fall for the real me and help me validate myself. its so stupid to b worried about this stuff now, considering im only 17 and i didn't go to a co-ed school. i KNOW that i have low inner self esteem, so i keep trying to fix my own problems by boosting it. its like im in a cycle, i get depressed and cry for a day. i get proactive, and compulsively do things to make my image better, like doing hard exercise every day, wear makeup everywhere, and spend all my money on clothing. that goes on and i become really happy with my life, and eventually stop doing that stuff. and then i feel ugly and fat. and the cycle begins again. but...i'll keep smiling to the world the whole time. everything about me is fake. my image is fake. i dont even know how im coping in uni...because im not smart at all. i just want to throw away my life and start again.

sorry if that make no sense at all. not really looking for answers on here, i just wanted to vent i guess?

Reki wrote:
maybe im unable to love anyone seriously. everytime someone likes me...i end up avoiding them and loosing them as a friend all together.
im extremely close to my family, and i have plenty of friends, but....noone knows what im really like, deep inside.?

Hi, Reki,
Although you are just venting, I thought I'd comment, anyway. Fear of intimacy, and always feeling you must present a "perfect" image to the world are heavy burdens.
One doesn't have to had suffered a serious trauma in life to have emotional issues or depression. We long to be accepted for our real selves. To always feel we must put up a false front is exhausting and lonely.
I think a little therapy with a counselor world really help you. Colleges almost all provide on campus counseling. You don't need to have an "excuse" to see a counselor and get help; the fact that you are in distress is reason enough. Just talking face to face with a living person will show you that you can be accepted for who you are "down deep."

thanks for being so honest. Everything you said makes complete sense to me