fear of arrogance impacting recovery..?

hello all (:

i have a terrible fear of becoming arrogant? i have no idea where this fear stemmed from but what i do know is that it is heavily impacting my ability to try & "like" myself.

at this point i feel that i cannot like myself without being arrogant. technically i recognize that these are two different concepts, but any form of self-love or whatever automatically makes me freak out because i feel like i'm losing a grip on my life. at least my self-esteem i can control, i can control how much i like myself and i can control what i allow myself to believe (only negative things, i guess?), but when i allow one of those thoughts to be challenged i'm letting up my social guard & allowing criticism to come in & i cannot stand to be criticized. i'm absolutely terrified of it spiraling out of control & becoming a person who is oblivious as to what others think of me.

it's gotten to the point where i'm not sure if i even want to get better anymore. i'd rather stay hating myself than get better & even remotely risk things spiraling out of control like that. it's safer, it hurts less people, & it prevents change in my life.

i feel like i'm constantly arguing with myself all the time, which is really mentally & emotionally draining. has/is anyone else experiencing this problem? if so, what did you do to resolve it or even cope with it? i'm willing to take any & all suggestions, thank you! <3 <3

I mentally tell myself over and over and sort of breathe in and out to calm me, "I am perfect in my imperfect way." It helps me. Not always, but sometimes.