My extreme self loathing is the cause of my depression

I have been depressed since bascailly childhood. I feel like I always have been this way. I was pretty much rejected my entire life as a child through to my teen years. Was always an outsider, lonely. I was abused physically and experienced sexual traumas which have made emotional and physical intimacy of any kind absolutely impossible for me as an adult. I know I’m destined to live an isolated life. My depression has caused me to have no interests, hobbies, ambitions, drive of any kind. I have no reason to wake up in the morning. I have no one in my life, and I’m not exaggerating. There is no one. The worst pain of all is feeling utterly unlovable. I think that’s what hurts the most. I’ve tried improving myself countless times throughout the years, but I realised I can’t accept myself and I can’t escape myself. I think about death and suicide almost every hour of the day. The only thing that stops me is the fear of the unknown and that what may be beyond this life could be worse. I really don’t know how to change my life when I hate myself this much. Has anyone ever had success with doing so?

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