I hate myself

most of the time

and don't go e-mailing me and getting all biblical and s***.

I hate being clumsy. I hate not being able to put something down without it knocking over three other things. I hate not being able to reach for something without knocking something off the shelf breaking it. I hate not being able to type and hit the correct keys. If I am wanting to type something, say "kiddo", I'd find my fingers gravitating toward "kixxing". WTF is that about? Dyslexia IN MY FINGERS?????

I hate not being able to do B-A-S-I-C math. Sure, they have literacy programs for the poor alcoholic homeless vet but some screw-up like me can't get any math classes? Like teaching some freaking 60 year-old bum how to read is going to make the world a better place.

I hate being impatient. If something doesn't happen for me when I feel it should like the computer turning on and connecting to the internet, I feel fury inside me.

I hate not being able to sleep at night because I have a F***ING song stuck in my head and then I feel one itch, scratch that then another and another and ANOTHER....Then I get thinking about what I should have said during the day instead of what I did say or what I didn't say and my mind goes round and round and round and then I get thinking about something else.

They *say* I can work. Sure I *can* work but for how long? A day, two days? A week? Then what? Back to square one. I can't even fill out this goddamn application for a appeal for social security because I don't understand it. Am I applying for SSI or SSDI? If I had something that outwardly said "I'm unemployable" like half my head missing or down's syndrome or something, social security would pick me up just like *snap* that. 60-70 jobs in my 17+ years in the workforce - you'd think they'd see that I do want to work I just can't keep a job! One thing I'd like to add to the social security denial is a job offer. Want me to prove it? Let me work for them!

I hate not being able to remember the most SIMPLE OF WORDS like D-I-S-H-W-A-S-H-E-R. The other day I had loaded the dishwasher and I told my wife about something that happened while I was loading the dishwasher and I tried remembering the word "dishwasher" but I couldn't! I punched myself in the head three times - hard.

I hate thinking that everyone who drives by who catches my eye judges me and I think they have a negative opinion of me. Why can't I think that they think, "he's cute" or, "I like his hat"? Instead, I think they thing, "he's a fat retard" or "nice goatee loser".

I hate wanting to kill myself for not being able to do simple tasks or when something doesn't go my way or doesn't go right.

Me too buddy. I'll never be able to kill myself though. I'm not sure why. I guess not living sounds worse than living no matter how #######5 it is.

demoniac wrote:most of the time

and don't go e-mailing me and getting all biblical and s***.

I hate being clumsy. I hate not being able to put something down without it knocking over three other things. I hate not being able to reach for something without knocking something off the shelf breaking it. I hate not being able to type and hit the correct keys. If I am wanting to type something, say "kiddo", I'd find my fingers gravitating toward "kixxing". WTF is that about? Dyslexia IN MY FINGERS?????

Ha! I thought I was the only dyslexic typist here. I never could learn touch typing, and even looking at the keyboard I reverse letters. Lots of proof reading for sure.

demoniac wrote:
I hate not being able to do B-A-S-I-C math. Sure, they have literacy programs for the poor alcoholic homeless vet but some screw-up like me can't get any math classes? Like teaching some freaking 60 year-old bum how to read is going to make the world a better place.

Check with your local adult education high school. I can only do 3rd grade math myself; thank god for pocket calculators!

demoniac wrote:I hate being impatient. If something doesn't happen for me when I feel it should like the computer turning on and connecting to the internet, I feel fury inside me.

I hate not being able to sleep at night because I have a F***ING song stuck in my head and then I feel one itch, scratch that then another and another and ANOTHER....Then I get thinking about what I should have said during the day instead of what I did say or what I didn't say and my mind goes round and round and round and then I get thinking about something else.

They *say* I can work. Sure I *can* work but for how long? A day, two days? A week? Then what? Back to square one. I can't even fill out this goddamn application for a appeal for social security because I don't understand it. Am I applying for SSI or SSDI? If I had something that outwardly said "I'm unemployable" like half my head missing or down's syndrome or something, social security would pick me up just like *snap* that. 60-70 jobs in my 17+ years in the workforce - you'd think they'd see that I do want to work I just can't keep a job! One thing I'd like to add to the social security denial is a job offer. Want me to prove it? Let me work for them!

I hate not being able to remember the most SIMPLE OF WORDS like D-I-S-H-W-A-S-H-E-R. The other day I had loaded the dishwasher and I told my wife about something that happened while I was loading the dishwasher and I tried remembering the word "dishwasher" but I couldn't! I punched myself in the head three times - hard.

I hate thinking that everyone who drives by who catches my eye judges me and I think they have a negative opinion of me. Why can't I think that they think, "he's cute" or, "I like his hat"? Instead, I think they thing, "he's a fat retard" or "nice goatee loser".

I hate wanting to kill myself for not being able to do simple tasks or when something doesn't go my way or doesn't go right.

Asperger's syndrome comes to mind concerning the majority of your symptoms. If possible, see a physician who specializes in this sort of thing. Also, lawyers who specialize in SSI ans SSDI may be able to help you.
I can dig the profound frustration and rage you feel much of the time. Being a bright person, but a clutz at the same time, is really aggravating, tell me about it! Please don't waste another minute hating yourself. You must be doing something right; you have a wife!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome