I loose my will to live

I am a 22 year old suffering from anxiety disorders(I am multiple times diagnosed with OCD) and depression..For 9 years now my life has been transformed into a complete hell,I was born with a mild physical disability which kinda deforms parts of my body,I was bullied,rejected,ridiculed by a lot of my peers especially during primary and secondary school....

I was always the strange deformed geek in school,in which time,and even know think my officialy above average IQ is the only aspect where I have confidence in,but after all this emotional turmoil I feel like my distress impairs every s\aspect of my functioning,i loose coordination,mumble when speaking,even feeling forgeting my language and speaking in Greek-English Creole(I am a Greek)....I always feel like everyone will have a bad impression about me(I have quite a lot of friends through),but I feel so socially anxious,I feel ugly,I feel like a failure especially in my love life,where I have close to zero experience....

I start become obsessive about my external image trying to look the best because of fear that the other sex is going to reject me of my kinda weird looks,I harbor hate that I cant really handle,i just try to surpress it I dont want to hate anybody nor me nor them,but anyway sometimes when I hear about ''personality matters'' I m like well I must also have a #######5 personality,because I feel so tainted in between thinking If people dont care so much about looks,then I am a #######5 person,or if they do care about looks I am a ######6 looser for not compromising to beauty standards,i dont know what to believe,I cannot even control my thought process anymore,i find so many flaws and problems inside and outside me that every time I am trying to remind my self of my good traits,which I have,I just minmize them next to nothing,i get irritated easily and feel like everyone is a better talker,less anxious,more confident than me....

And I always was and am a person who tries to be honest to people in what I feel,and also a person who despises avoiding his problems,but I am also impatient and expect quick results from me and everyone....I start abandoning socializing even with my friends,cause I even start getting irritated by them,i feel like a total nothing from time to time,less of a human,and more specifically less of a man...