20 years old with Bigorexia & Social Anxiety, help me PLEASE

Hello PsychForums, I usually don't open up online but at this point I am at a brick wall and I need to. I am a 20 year old black male and I am suffering tremendously from Bigoerxia and Social Anxiety. Us as black men are expected to be extremely hyper masculine, have huge muscles, be extremely ripped and shredded, have a large penis and be insanely athletic. I am unfortunately in that 5% of black men that do not fall under the usual stereotypes. I am tall, skinny, have extremely long arms, and long legs. I have light skin, which is usually deemed as more attractive in the black community but I have a very huge, wide nose with large nostrils, if my nose was more narrower and european I wouldn't look so bad. I am lightskin but don't have nice lightskin feature such as colored eyes, latino style hair. I have hideous, nappy hair with a messed up hairline. It unfortunately doesn't grow out nice, soft and curly like the latino hair does, it grows out brittle and nappy. I have to go to the barber shop every week just for maintain my hairline, and that still doesn't help. I look like an ogre when I smile, the way my nose is shaped, it is so wide and my nostrils are so circular it looks like an animal spreading it's wings. My face has excess skin, I have fine wrinkle marks on my forehead and severe under eye problems. Apart from my left eye being constantly dry, my under eyes stay puffy and have so many wrinkles under them. My lips seem lopsided to me and don't sit on top of each other correctly, my whole face is an ugly disaster. I have changed my whole lifestyle. I eat extremely healthy and go to the gym. I have been extremely skinny my whole life, food goes right through me, therefore it's impossible for me to gain weight and muscle, muscles are of course a big part of masculinity. I feel like such a B*tch whenever I go the gym. Always surrounded by so many beefy, meaty, muscled up shredded guys and I am struggling on three years now trying to gain weight and muscle. It is making me mentally ill, I don't know what to do anymore. I wouldn't wish how ugly I am on anyone. I have big calves and that is it, my body is disproportionate, I look ridiculous. I do think my genitals are fine but my torso, arms, shoulders, neck, head, hairline, leg length are vile and disgraceful. My BDD has gotten so bad, I am not social. I get so nervous and scared around other guys, especially other black men because I figure they don't like me and our judging me from the start. I'm not into sports and typical meathead activities so making friends has always been a challenge to me. I am very well groomed, extremely hygienic and dress nicely. I don't understand why I am being punished so harshly, why do I have to be this ugly? I wake up and look in the mirror absolutely disgusted by what I see. Why can't I be one of those alpha males? On top of it, beards a now becoming a trend, I am trying to grow mine out but it is so gross, nasty and appalling, but I feel like it's the only hope I have in helping my appearance. I want to go under the knife but I'm scared. Getting my abs to come in has been such a challenge, I have tried everything, even though I am skinny, my 8 pack will not become defined and appear. I am 20 and can't even grow a beard, I am so pathetic, ugly and sad. The patch I have on my chin hair makes me want to vomit, the growth is so slow it seems like it will be years before my beard comes in. My arms flail to my side, they're so light, they are so feminine. If my arms and chest were bigger I'd be so much more masculine and attractive. I have amazing teeth, it's a shame they have to be wasted on such an ugly face. My nose is my ultimate demise, it's so abnormal, so big, and then to have such a large nose on top of an already huge forehead and messed up hairline is just torture. Why did this life have to happen to me? A great guy with a future, an amazing personality, clean and fashion sense, but it gets wasted because I am hideous and I have a feminine, skinny, scrawny, nasty body. These results are taking forever, my chest will not grow. I'm losing my mind, I'm miserable and unhappy.

Hi

I'm also a 20 year old male. I'm white though but that doesn't matter. I struggle with several issues (OCD, anxiety, school/work problems, ..) and I also don't really like the way I look. Right now my OCD is messing with me and I'm struggling with my identity because of it. That's the worst problem I have at the moment. But like I said I also don't like the way I look. I also have a big forehead and my hairline is awful so I can't have the haircuts I would want. Besides that I also have hair loss so it's getting worse over time. I'm also overweight (working on it) and really don't like my body. I can grow a beard but to be honest I really don't want a real beard. The thing that for you isn't an issue, is one for me. I really don't like my genitals.. I think it's quite ugly and it's way too small (it's also considered small, I'm not making that up). But hey, I also would like to look totally different but we are the way we are right? And who says (black) men need muscles and all those stereotypical 'masculine' features? Girls (I think you're straight?) also like cute, skinny men. Like you said you are hygienic, you dress well, you have great teeth AND have a great personality! I think those are very important features. Also I'm sure you are not as 'ugly' as you tell yourself. I think you just see yourself way uglier than you actually are.

I hope I could help a little bit, if you want to talk about it, you can always send me a message.