Can taking a man's last name affect self-esteem?

kuttgrubb.....you have some interesting things on this too....I am infact a person who needs to have control....not so much over people mind you....but in my environment....I am diagnosed w/ OCPD actually!!! Like.....my family will say...here let me do that ....and I have a hard time giving in and allowing them to help me....the idea that no....I can't....I need control over my environment...how I do things is more comfortable for me....can't give up that control I have in doing things....don't want to let someone else do for me because they might not do it just exactly how I would....it's my job to care for my family ....don't want to let them do for me! Like I view the partnership as that....I have my role....they have theirs! So I can see the point you are making.....I just never looked into anything name wise I guess......but VERY interesting topic none-the-less and you are correct in saying that there are many views on it....some will hold it as very important...and others...depending on how they were raised, values, etc......will not see it as so important. GREAT topic!!!!

Thanks for the compliment about the topic, Angel! Your thoughts are interesting-- I think a lot of people feel sort of that way about having control.

Have any of you thought about this from the male point of view? For example, do you think it would affect a man's self esteem if he changed his name to his wife's or hyphenated his with hers?

I'm at the point in my research where I'm conducting short phone interviews to learn about this subject. If anyone is willing to have a phone conversation with me about this, please e-mail me at kuttgrubb@gmail.com.

Thanks!

Kelly

Anyone?!

Hi, Kuttgrubb,
I don't know any men who would be comfortable either taking the wife's surname or hyphenating the names. I asked some guys what they thought about this and responses ranged from amused to incredulous that such an absurd notion would even be considered. There may well be some men in urban centers who are more liberal about this. My male friends are rural guys who drive trucks, build houses, work in the woods, do auto repair, ect. Very traditional type fellows. Even my partner, who is very liberal, didn't like the idea. He is proud of his family name and proud that I have accepted it.
If you find any men who would , or have done this, let me know. The unanimous opinion among my male peers is that it would be akin to wearing a dress; very imasculating.

Wow- thanks, puma! That's interesting to hear.

I do know some men who have taken their wife's name and some who have hyphenated. It's still pretty rare, but less and less so. My husband hyphenated his name with mine. He is a very masculine man too-- 6'4" tall, was in the Air Force, plays lots of sports, etc. He came from a conservative background, but the two of us are pretty liberal. After I hyphenated my name, we agreed that our child's name should definitely be hyphenated too. By the time our second child was born (both boys) my husband had decided to hyphenate his name too. He said that since he intended to teach our boys that women were equal and marriage was a partnership, he should make sure those values were reflected in his actions!

I don't think any name choice is necessarily better than another... but I do think it is important for people to make a careful choice instead of just mindlessly doing what most everyone else does.

Puma, please pass my name on to the guys that you talked to. I would love to talk to them myself. They can reach me at kuttgrubb@gmail.com or can quickly input their views online at www.thenamesurvey.com.

The book is coming along beautifully-- I think this is such an interesting subject. Obviously, my own family's experience is a big part of how I stumbled onto this subject.

Kelly

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Speaking as gay men in a long term monogamous relationship, with no children, my partner and I have kept our respective surnames. Were we to adopt children we would probably select the surname we like best for them. We would want to keep it simple for the kids when they are in school, ect. Hyphenated names just sound sort of pretentious. We are married in every sense of the word, but are still men with an attachment to our fathers's surnames. I suppose we are traditional in the name department. If one of us was a woman different attitudes would likely prevail. It would certainly be simpler, especially when children are involved!
Others in the gay community have different views. We have some hyphenated friends. We would never tell them what we think about their hyphens, as that would be tasteless.

FatCat- why do you think hyphenated names sound pretentious? I've heard that quite a bit, but don't completely understand where that attitude comes from.

When my husband and I were making the decision about what to do with our names (1998-2000 time period), we didn't have any impression of a hyphen being pretentious. We just wanted to be equally represented yet still connected. We hadn't really heard of people combining names or making up a new surname, so didn't consider either of those options. Our last names are both really bad sounding anyway, so we sort of decided that it was who we were for better or worse and hyphenated!

We have friends who are a same sex couple and they have hyphenated their adopted daughter's last name, but kept their own last names.

Kelly

I associate hyphenated names with female writers who are putting on airs. I know, this is a prejudice, and I feel silly about having this take on it, but so it goes.

Geeze!

Being a female writer, I would hate to be thought of as putting on airs!!!

Here I am truly just being authentic based on my own journey. In your opinion, what can be done about this?! Where historically do you think this stereotype began?

Kelly