Can taking a man's last name affect self-esteem?

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this forum and am seeking to learn other people's views on this topic. I am writing a book about nontraditional last names, which are defined as any other than woman and child taking the husband's last name, and I am looking to learn more about whether taking a man's last name can affect self-esteem.

I truly hope that you will share your views with me. You can respond to me via e-mail privately if you like at kuttgrubb@gmail.com.

My sincere thanks,
Kelly

It did not bother me.

Now I do think in keeping family geanology it is neat to keep it for history's record. OR You can alway's pass your maiden name down by naming your children that (like maybe a middle name?)

And if for some reason you change your mind, you can very easily have it changed back legally.

Interesting question for sure....

JMHO

Thanks for the reply SmallTalkRed!

In my research so far, I have found that many women either feel lower self-esteem after a name change or higher self-esteem... depending on their values and the nature of their relationship.

I know when I first got married, I changed my name to my husband's and it did negatively affect my self esteem! It just didn't feel right to me, like I wasn't represented equally in the name and so how could I be in the partnership of marriage? Words and names certainly have power. I soon hyphenated my name and so did my husband.

On the flip side, I have heard some devout Christians say that changing their name raised their self-esteem because they were being submissive to their husbands like their faith teaches them to be.

I once knew a couple who wanted to get married, but the woman insisted her fiance' change his last name first. He was Greek, and his name sounded like poopeycocky ( I don't know what the actual spelling was). She didnt want their future offspring being known as the little poopeycockies. Altho the man was very attached to his Greek heritage, he was more attached to his girl, so he changed his name to Porter. They got married and had kids, and were very happy as the Porters.
My personal feeling on taking the man's name is that it is an honor and a gift he bestows upon his lady love. It is also a pledge that he will protect and care for her, enfolding her in his space. By accepting his name, she honors him with the gift of herself.
I'm old school, you might say.

Puma- that is a great story about the Poopeycocky/Porters!!! I love it.

As for your own "old school" feelings about the issue, tell me more! Are you married? How would you feel about a lady bestowing the same honor on her manly love if they used her name?! Does it work both ways?

I suppose if the man wanted to take the wife's name it would be okay, although he would be taking her father's surname, which would totally confuse future geneologists!
In the case of hyphenated surnames, which ones do the offspring go by? If you have Mr. Smith, and he marries Miss Jones, and she is now Mrs. Jones-Smith, are the kids Jones-Smith or just Smith? And when they marry, like to Jackson, are they then Jones-Smith-Jackson?
And what do gay couples do about the name thing?
I think how the custom of the woman taking the man's name got started is by the name of the land holding he had. When she came into his holding, she took the house name.
As to your question, have I been married; you might call me a serial marrier, although I've been with the last one over 20 years. I have always done the traditional surname thing with my respective mates.

I never got into the whole over thinking of the name taking thing. I guess it goes w/ just being raised that it's one of the traditions....sort of like the traditions of engagements....ring buying....the whole wedding itself....the different things you do w/in a wedding ceremony....there are so many traditions.....I am proud to have my husband's last name. I certainly never have looked at it as being submissive to my husband. Our marriage is an equal partnership in so many ways. Our last name identifies our family....simple as that. We could have went w/ my last name....could have went w/ his.....sure I guess we could have hyphenated it.....our family traditions for years and years have been that when you marry.....you go w/ the man's last name....simple....no deep thought into why....you just form from two seperate people into ONE couple....I could care less which name we took.....I'm just proud to say we are a couple...no matter whom we call ourselves. I love my husband so much....I'm proud of his last name and his family....I'm proud to call myself "mrs. so and so". I guess if I feel low self esteem or feel I'm being submissive to him just by being called "Mrs. so and so".....I don't think I would have had any business getting married and becoming a partner w/ someone.

I took my husband's last name because it was important to him, but my last name was important to me so I legally changed my middle name to my madien name. It's not hyphenated, but it I use it on all documents and business cards.
Taking my husband's last name didn't really affect my self-esteem much (and my self-esteem is fragile at best) and I think it's because I was able to retain some of my old identity.

Thanks for the great thoughts, guys!

Valleriana, I've heard other people say that keeping their maiden name in some form is really helpful. A lot of women use their maiden name professionally (especially if they are already established before marriage) and use their husband's name/married name personally.

Angel, funny you mention submission... I am discussing this issue on a Bible Forum and many there talk about submission as being necessary. One person even commented that a woman who didn't change her last name to her husband's must want to be in control all the time. My concern is that women who don't necessarily buy into that belief system (like me) may feel oppressed by it! I like what you say about being a couple and partner and how that is the most important thing. I guess the name matters more to some people than others... depends on your background, personality, etc.

You know, if you are interested in this topic and want to contribute in a quick and confidential way, visit www.thenamesurvey.com.

Thanks!
Kelly