Please help

Hey guys , so I'm 27 years old and think it's time to finally address some personality traits I have that cause me huge problems in life , some small , some huge , I will cut this as short as possible while still explaining the best I can. This is not a cry for sympathy and it may be long and seem so go on but please read as I'm outlining everything the makes me up as a person and I'm sure someone has a good idea of whats going on here. Im sorry that its so long and if this is the wrong part of the forum to post, its taken me years to build up the courage to finally write this out and post it.

I believe I am a sexually disturbed , co dependent and sex / porn
addict with very little self esteem and social skills , people who know me will describe me as the exact opposite , as I put on a good front and am well known and popular.

I believe this stems from a few factors , so I will include these here , I am not here for sympathy , I'm just looking for some advice on the traits and behavioural patterns I have , hopefully someone can give an opinion on what personality disorder I fall into if any or what caused me to be the way I am.

From ages approx 7-11 me and my brothers were raised by a very abusive narcissistic mother who I'm 99% convinced has bi polar or BPD.
We would get belted (beaten with a belt ) for the smallest things, while our friends would simply be "grounded"etc , this became normal to us and living in constant fear of being beaten also became normal to us , when we saw kids on tv being grounded we were confused as to why they weren't getting belted.
When I say abusive , it's not that part that I meant , I rarely remember my mother telling me she was proud of me or that she loves me , that Im a good son , that I'm worthy of good things , all I remember is the constant "you are horrible kids" "your not my little boy anymore" , "your fat" "you stink" , "your a compulsive liar" etc I definitely didn't get the 'validation' and attention / love from my mother growing up.
My moms husband at the time was beating her and Us very often, after he left my mum met a decent man who she married , but broke up mainly due to her emotionally abusive and crazy behaviour pushing him away. I now know that the blueprint I saw for how a relationship works was this one , woman is abusive , controlling and domineering , man shuts up when she says , is timid , quiet , she storms off and causes scenes / out bursts etc, woman is never held accountable.
At around age 12 I was beaten up by an older kid at school so badly that i had such bad post traumatic stress that I never went back to school.

To this day I am very socially anxious, I over think, Im a 'people pleaser' , I blurt out #######4 just to be part of a conversation, I seek validation, I exaggerate areas of my life which make me seem important, mostly when drunk, but a lot of the time sober (job titles, achievements etc) , I flinch easily, I struggle with eye contact, I find it so hard to concentrate on anything apart from porn or somethings that excites me, any task that involves repeat actions I'm good at and get into a 'flow', anything the opposite that has more 'moving parts' is impossible to do, i can never stick to a schedule, I'm act impulsively in all areas of my life, with me not growing up with a farther figure and a strong male group, I never fit in with a group of guys and basically don't know how to interact with them, masculine traits are just so alien to me, i hear 18 and 20 year olds describe themselves as men, i never describe myself as a man, even my 5 year old son shows more masculine traits than me which i notice and think wow how come i never did that / spoke that way, he does spend a lot of time with older males (my brothers etc) so that would make sense. I even ran a side business for ten years that didn't make a penny until year 8 simply because it made me hugely popular online and gave me an identity to define myself by, I care more about how I am perceived rather than how I actually am. I hate that I don't have a solid set of male friends, every birthday is spent alone, every NYE is with family, I get invites and friendship offers and never follow up or attend, I believe that this, and what i go into below about my spending habits are due to a self sabotage mindset that i I have where i basically don't think I deserve to be happy so I don't allow myself to be. I find it hard to make selfish tough decisions, I try too hard to get people to like me, I am unbelievably emotionally sensitive, and every day problems that everyone goes through such as a break up or relationship problems , which most men would put a brave face on for, for me, causes me to completely breakdown, and i always get a sense that the tears is coming from a much deeper place, rather than being caused by the immediate problem. 


Since age 11 I was exposed to Internet porn and was hooked , I became obsessed , I had disturbing thoughts sexually which ended up in me experimenting in ways I shouldn't have.

since 15 I have never been without a girlfriend , I've been in long term relationships (2 year , 6 year and another 2 year)  , and in between have always actively sook out a girlfriend or sex, I have even paid for sex on many occasions , bought sex toys, paid for porn, the only thing that stopped me seeing escorts a few times a week was money.
Anytime i was drunk and able to afford doing so, I did it, had a bill to pay? I would still do it, knowing i wont be able to pay the bill,
I even sabotaged my business by spending funds that were meant to be used as deposits for deals that had made huge profits.
I have gone from having 67k in my account (from my business that i started from nothing, no help no loans) , to zero, to £10k, to zero, to being in 10k debt, etc.
Worst of all, i have nothing to show for it, the money mainly went on trips to Amsterdam on escorts. If i had a night out of was working away, a priority of that night was to get laid, and if i couldn't do it the conventional way , i would pay for it. If i break up with a girlfriend, I'm immediately on dating apps/ websites / messaging ten twenty girls at one time seeking female validation and  / or sex, the idea of being alone terrifies me. I use porn every single day, important things like, paying debts off or doing driving lessons  don't get done because i would rather watch porn. I 'sexually profile" almost every female i see, without meaning to (i think, is she hot, rather than look at her as a person first) If a beautiful woman walks past, none
of the other men in the area will be looking but i have to look, and I look for longer than I should.

I have stayed in 1 relationship for 6 years where i was being constantly cheated on and disrespect, just for the sex, because she would do what i wanted, when i wanted, how i wanted. I then stayed in a relationship for two years where i was put through the worst emotional abuse ever by a very domineering borderline personality disordered woman, just for the sex, because she was willing to please me as often as i need, in my 27 years and 30+ women I've encountered, only these 2 have ever been able to keep up with my "needs" and think its normal (sex every day, sometimes 3 times a day) I seem to only be attracted to women who have lifestyles that limit their chances of being taken off me due to responsibilities (single mothers for example) I tend to not pursue a woman if i can see that
she has a huge amount of self respect meaning that i wouldn't be able to have sex with her as often and when ever i want (how sick and bad does that sound), i want to be normal and to be totally ok with a girl not wanting sex for a few days , or to be able to go on a night out without caring that i didn't get laid. 

When i meet a girl, i get attached, very very easily, and if i have a break up, it destroys me, i have never allowed myself to be alone and to be ok with it.
I have never grieved and gotten over past relationships, just moved onto a distraction.

My business has basically crumbled because of my addictive personality, wether it be alcohol, weed, sex, video games, or all at the same time, I now 
realise I sink myself into something mentally to get way from the deep relenting self hatred inside my head that i feel when I'm alone with my thoughts. 

If anyone has any opinions , please post.

Dear lukedragon:

It is impossibly, absolutely impossible for a child to grow up in the abusive environment that you grew up in and NOT be injured, severely. These were your formative years, your brain formed with the abuses in it, day after day, year after year. You have done your best to survive and you have.

You experienced lots of fear in the war zone of a "home" - and you took responsibility for a lot that went wrong, as children do. Your mother accusing you, blaming you only encouraged your natural tendency to see yourself as the reason to her anger and disapproval.

And you were alone with that abuse, no one to help you with your thoughts and feelings, to make sense of what was going on inside your head and in your life.

You are addicted to this or that because, as you wrote, you need to be distracted from the "bad" feelings, the fear, the hurt, the anger, the shame, guilt... something as stimulating as porn distracts you as well as weed, alcohol, mind altering drugs... anything to alter being present with the feelings you do not want to be aware of.

Healing is a slow process. Good enough psychotherapy probably a must as well as programs to abstain from porn, drugs etc. A 12 step program perhaps, to begin with... The reason AA works for many is because people switch their addiction from alcohol and bars to... cookies and AA meetings, people in the meetings.

Not that I recommend the cookies.

atina