Chronic pain and LOW SELF ESTEEM

Hi,

For the past two years, i've suffered from terrible chronic pain related to crossfit injury/herniated discs/muscles compensation. To resume it all, my body feels completely unbalanced (like i have a shorter leg but i don't) and this causes a huge chain of tension on my whole left side all the way from my foot to my ear. It's driving my CRAZY. I think about it every minute of everyday and it lead me to having huge self-esteem issues.

I have spent THOUSANDS of dollars on specialists : physiotherapists/Osteotherapists/Acupunctur/Massages/Kinesiologists/Etc.) Some have helped a bit, but it all feels so temporary. I haven't seen real progress within two years : i really ###$ my whole body to a point where i'm stuck in a vicious circle...I don't see myself getting better anytime soon. I have HUGE postural issues, i can't walk for more than an hour without being in huge pain. Everything i do, i ask myself if it's gonna help me or make me worse. My whole world turns around my injuries.

I have always been a very active person and i practically lived for sports. I am very intense in what i do (which led me to the crossfit injury : i trained WAYYYYY too hard for way too long... At one point my body just gave up. I really pushed my limits and regret it terribly...) That being said, there isn't much worse to me than being unable to practice any sports without making my muscular tensions worst (every time i do a sport or try to train, all my tensions get worst to a point where i can't concentrate on anything else).

To sum it up, i am extremely depressed and i have terribly low self-esteem. I always used to be a popular person, very proud of who i was. I never had any issues with talking to ladies, but now it seems like i won't ever be able to meet someone again. I feel ashamed of my body (which i now refer to as my personal jail). I don't think i was ever prepared for such a loss in my life. It may sound pathetic to you, but it means the world to me and given the circumstances, i went from being a ''winner'' to a total ''loser'' that obsess with everything concerning his body.

I have a lot of things in life that i am grateful for (money/friends/family) but i can't seem to enjoy any of it now. I obsess on how weak i feel. I am jealous of anyone i see practicing any sports. I compare myself to everyone. I am hypervigilant in the sense that i notice every little physical detail in anyone.

I also have suicidal thought everyday and i cry most of them also. Everything is dark and i can't seem to feel any hope... I am scared of seeing people i haven't seen in a while as i'm SCARED of their judgement. I was proud of who i was before, and i feel like i want them to remember that person, not the one i see myself as now. I consume marijuana on a daily basis as it's the only thing that truely makes me forget for a while, but in the end it's temporary and i'm getting tired of it...

Clearly i am seeing the reality in a distorted way, but i can't seem to snap out of it. I am 6 foot tall and used to weigh 175-180 pounds with an athletic body. I now weigh 160-165 and feel like a 15 year old kid that won't be able to meet any girl i find pretty... (i am 25 yrs old)

What do you guys think of all this? I would love to hear other people's thought on my situation as i can't seem to be objective anymore...

Thank you VERY MUCH.