how to beleave myself?

hello since i was 6 years old my father moved away to a other place with somebody else then my mother
since then my brother kept teasing me years long saying bad things to me like i was ugly i was weird i was weak if i wanted to go play outside he told me to get back in.
my mother or father did never do anything about this they always said to him dont do that again and 1 minute later he started again
besides this getting worse and worse without my parrents doing less and less i was staying very much inside playing alone alot of computer games and movies

when i was 10 my father had a new girlfriend who tought very high of herself she told me and my brother bad things about my mother wich where true we started hating her she also hated us it was very clearly cus since then my father did not say a positive word anymore to us and always complaining everything i do is wrong and i mean everything

when i was 12 i got to a new school with some1 from my old school who i liked he got teased i knew this becaus my brother always did this to me so i helped him wich ment the guys went to teasing me too wich ment i only had 1 friend left and didnt make new once end of the year he stayed in the same class i moved on
there i was i had totaly no self esteem, no friends, i hated my father and hes girlfriend i was always standing alone at the breaks nobody to eat lunch with just standing outside with myself

i was for years in myself dreaming about becoming 1 of the popular guys in school i wanted to suicide tought about it a lot of times i did not do it becaus my mother had a rough live my brother was about to fall into becoming a criminal i could not hurt my mother so much i hated everything including myself not sportive no friends no visible future

when i was 16 i decided to change and started sporting started looking to other people what made them popular i changed my hair style i stopped beleaving the $#%^ my father and hes girlfriend where talking, started spitting on my brother mentally

now im 18 at a other school i found some new friends i go out on the weekends, dating girls etc i have a nice body sportive and a matching styled face i can look in the mirror and say im pretty im smart etc

but the thing that wont go away is the sadness i had for all these years i still feel low when somebody like my brother or some persons that looks like people that could bully walks pass me i cant look them in the eye while i know im bigger smarter and stronger then them , also im afraid of everybody if i date a girl and they say you look old i say am i that ugly? then she says no i didnt ment it that way

you see what i mean if a friend tells me he cant go out with me im afraid they dont like me, im also afraid of liking people i hate people very fast by just doing very little i fantasised a lot of times killing raping burning people alive i even killed a bird that my cat brought home with a stick also if somebody insults me with something is that is just not true like your fat or your gay i am depressed for the whole day really thinking in myself if i really aint fat

i know its not my foult the people where like this but how can i beleave myself and not me afraid of so much things

also how can i stop hating everybody and everything so fast and searching something to hate them

how can i make this self-hating, low self esteem,everybody hating go away????

aboe,

It seems you as a child and young adult had normal needs that were not met in your family unit.

This also happened to me, I read your post and understand where you are coming from. It was not something that I could
change overnight.

First, I really had to look at it, from when it first happened. This was with my mom and dad. I knew then I had to Parent myself.
I learned to love the lonely hurt child inside me, and she becamed loved, I became loved.

I loved myself. I do. I love me. Not in a boastful way, but in a quiet inner way. Trust and Faith in yourself will follow, which can affect your life in a positive way.

But first things first, Parent the child that was picked on. The child whose Parents did not acknowledge your needs, and they did not stick up for you. Take Care of that small frighten child. He or She needs you.

sorry if I said anything that was out of bounds I can just relate so much.....to what you are saying.