I'm nothing

Hi.
I don't even know why I'm writing this here.
I don't think I'm depressed, depression is, like love, one of those words that are so big and scary that one cannot simply say to be depressed (unless you're diagnosed as depressed by a professional I guess). I'm just really sad. And I feel like every morning I don't want to get out of bed because I know this day will be worse than the previous one. I try to sleep the longest possible to make the day last the shortest time possible.
I think I'm writing this because I just need to talk. And I don't wanna complain to people that are friends of mine, but not really friends that close.
Let's begin.
I'm 19 years old (I know, I'm too young to complain so much, I should be enjoying life, but what can I do) and first of all English isn't my native language, so you'll have to stand my terrible grammar. My native language feels just too personal for talking about this stuff, and I don't want to be recognized by someone I'm in touch with in real life (or should I call it false life?) because I'm ashamed of what I feel.
I feel like I'm nothing. I never felt at ease with myself, and to be "happy" (another big word) I always had to rely on other people. I feel like I'm a follower, I don't have a personality, I just adapt myself so that whoever is around me likes me. I don't have any tastes. I just pretend to like whatever people around me like. It's useless to say that I don't have many close friends. The few friends I have feel distant to me, I would never tell them what I'm writing here. I feel like everyone else have their own life and make their own choices, while I'm here hanging on nothing, waiting for something to happen, waiting for someone to notice me so I can copy them and be accepted. I've always been like this, but due to recent events, I really started thinking about it.

About an year ago, or more, I started feeling something that someone maybe would call love, and that others would call complete and unhealthy obsession, for a girl. When I started feeling something for her, and initially felt reciprocated, I obviously started completely relying on this person. I completely deleted myself and what I am. I transferred everything that I was on her: my life, that before depended on some group of people, now depended completely on one person. When this person started having an insight of what I really am inside, she obviously detached from me, it's already pretty difficult being one person, I can't imagine how is it to be two. So some months ago she left me and I barely heard of her since. Needless to say, the symptoms of the "broken heart", that are nothing to complain about since everyone felt them at my age, just add up to those I already feel. I really cared for her, and I hope it wasn't only egoism...

The last year of school ended a months ago, and I lost contact with almost everyone of my "friends", either they're in couple or I let them go when I thought I could rely on someone else for ever. I spent this month of summer alone with my thoughts.

I feel completely empty. Without someone else filling me, I am completely empty. With the single person that literally defined me gone, I am absolutely nothing, I'm an empty shell with no personality, no real feelings, only this unbearable sensation of "emptiness". I spend my day doing nothing, since I don't like anything. Everything seems plain, boring, why should I do something for myself, if that isn't going to get me close to people because I don't really know anyone? It's pointless. So I just do nothing, besides remembering the past.

I'll finish here because I'm getting repetitive and this is already pretty long. I don't know if someone will ever read this, I don't know if I care.
Bye.

(I had to give my email to register, how do I make sure it's not visible? I really don't want someone I know to read this...)

I know how you feel mirroring people. I feel like I have to determine what is acceptable to say around them, studying their reactions to what I say. Expressing my thoughts or worse emotions is just something that makes me vulnerable - I want to be accepted so I don't want to scare people away, or make them hate me. I have an issue with the idea of an 'identity', I don't know exactly what it's supposed to mean. So I think concerning myself with a label is counter-productive, I should take life one step at a time, come to my own conclusions and opinions, and that will be 'who I am'. Thing is I'm too afraid to reveal myself fully, because I know I'm not desirable.

I had a girlfriend aswell, got very possessive, reliant on her for self-esteem. I got over that once I could stop idolising and realise she isn't important to me. It's good you aren't hiding from the thought of your ex, it's good to face the harsh reality and realise it isn't as harsh as you believed. Your life seems to mirror mine a bit, except I've been at a complete standstill for a year. Dropped out of college, unemployed, substance abuse, unmotivated hermit.

I do find it hard to believe you don't have feelings or personality - you seem to express both in your post. I don't know, perhaps you need to respect your own worth some more. You won't be perfect but you definitely have worth. And in your situation, comparing yourself to others is both unfair and counter-productive (to yourself).

hi...
Everyone is "something". There is a purpose for you in this life.
i'm sure your family LOVES you. You have to learn how to love you with all your quirks and habits...you are original...you are worthy.

You are young...so start thinking about what profession you want to practice as you move into this adult stage. When you start attending some sort of schooling...you will develop a sense of pride and accomplishment (this is something I WISH I did)....now that I'm older I have no degree and trust me it makes you feel more like nothing.

The kids I watch that are attending college or taking on line courses are growing..thriving...becoming confident and are happy. There are many funding opportunities if you can't afford to take courses. Even if there is an unemployment agency in your area...you could go there and they would direct you to the correct programs for yourself and how to obtain the best funding.

They say nothing changes if nothing changes. I know that it is difficult, I have pushed myself to do a lot of things in my life that I didn't WANT to do.....didn't have the energy to do....and at 51....I still really don't know who I am - EXCEPT that I know I am someone that will not give up.

I am just as worthy to walk this earth as the next person...just like you....you have SOMETHING to offer...you just haven't found it. I recently have found I like older people and find pleasure in doing things for them. So I do that occasionally and it builds my self esteem.

I can identify with having someone else define who I am by the love they show me. I am clinically depressed (sounds like you are too) and when I take my medication, I feel more confident and SANE. My whole family turned their backs on me because of an addiction - talk about feeling like nothing.

I have conquered that addiction and I am proud of myself....I don't know what my next purpose is.

I found a website that helped me a little but then find out you have to pay to get the best benefit of the website...but the theme of that website....is to look for things I am grateful for in a day vs. focusing on my negative - self defeating thoughts. When a self-defeating thought pops in...think of something positive about yourself.

If you go to a store...or are out and about and you see someone struggling with a door or putting groceries in a car....go help them....look for ways to make yourself stand out as WHO you are. If you like children...volunteer to be a coach...If you like medical stuff....go see if you can volunteer at a hospital.

Usually when we are helping and giving to others....it gives us a sense of worth and accomplishment. Just find your nitch.....try to re direct your negativity...I know its hard...I fight with it EVERYDAY....go sit at a beach....or a park....do something as hard as it is and your days and mood may improve.

Strongly suggest getting medication for depression.

I can identify with your story. I'm now 25 and I still identify myself through my friends from that I haven't seen for 6 years.

I am working a lot on myself lately, I am involed in Pick-up and that has helped me a little, but I have a long way to go.

You are definitely not nothing. You may not feel worthy right now but you are going through a depression. Hang in there. The thing that helps me when I'm down is knowing that life has it's valleys and you do move forward out of them. (advantage of being older) . Look for a group to join, or someone you can help out. Sorry if I sound preachy, but at 19 you are facing lots of transitions, give yourself time. The best life advice I can give is to become an expert on something. It will give you purpose and hopefully a job. Above all be kind to yourself. It's ok to be scared. The secret is we all are.

Wow..I posted this way back.. I didn't expect someone to answer. Yet I'm still here. This will get long. I don't care. It's just ranting.
My first year in university started, and I don't think I ever felt so lonely. Yes, I am studying to become an expert in a field that most people consider difficult, and that should help with self esteem I guess, but I feel that it only does because it feels easier to be considered by people. I found a new group of empty friends that know a version of me that is full of them, like I expected it would have been. Now I should study, like, really seriously, but I just seem wallow myself in self pity and misery thinking about the errors I made in the past. The memory of the errors I made with the person I mentioned in my first post, before and after writing it, haunt me every day and every night and the only hint of personality I can find in myself is that of a (mentally unstable) complete asshole.
I feel that I am completely addicted to social contact, the only times I feel ok is when I am with other people. No one would think that when I'm alone I feel like this, around people I laugh, I joke and everyone would say that I'm a social person, but the truth is that being with other people is my cocaine and it's eating me from the inside out to the point that I can't stand being alone with myself anymore. Right now I have only one close friend, an incredibly wonderful person with whom I talk regularly but not about this stuff, because I'm afraid of losing her if I just get whiny, so I just desperately try to balance things and not let her know how important she is to me, I don't want anyone to feel like my crutch. My biggest fear is free time. I desperately need my time to be organized and every minute of it to be occupied by something really difficult that doesn't allow me to think, and university does a great job at that, except that when the courses end I don't have the necessary self control to do that by myself, and anyways that looks like a temporary and useless solution, if the main objective of my life is to not live, well I don't see the point in staying here. I'm living a paradox where I desperately need someone to care for me and at the same time I don't feel able to handle that. I do think that if I'm a person at all, I'm a bad one. I have nothing to offer to anyone, the only thing I do is cover myself with a thin layer of kindness and sympathy when I'm in public so I will get back the kindness and sympathy I need as a social drug. I don't want anyone to experience what the person I was talking about in the first post experienced because of me, and I feel like I could never get that close to a person again without making the same errors over and over, but at the same time I need it and I think I'll never be able to satisfy this need.
May be I should seek professional help, but then again, I'm just a stupid crying baby and probably I have no idea of what the real problems in life are, if they're worse than this, I don't think I was born with the right mind asset to handle them.

Dear someusername:

I read your two posts. I am very sad for you. If you like my reply here for you, you can write back to me and we communicate again and again, here on this thread.

Seems to me like you were left back in childhood. The young child that you were was left back and what proceeded into the young person that you are today is a shell of a person.

Not exactly there, that is, the child that you were is still in you, only secluded, in a prison cell or a dark room. Your emotions, tastes, preferences, opinions, values, passions, interests, all these things are trapped with the child. And the emptiness is what is in between that trapped little child and the shell of the young adult that you are.

When you literally were a child, someone, a parent or parents hurt you very badly and/ or left you alone. Alone and afraid. And stuck in that place of fear and loneliness, you still crave and need someone to ... come get you. You are still waiting and hoping for someone to rescue you, to come get you and take you away from the dark lonely place where you are trapped, scared and alone.

Good psychotherapy is necessary, I believe, to rescue that little child and integrate that child into your person. To unite the two, to "fill in" the shell with the emotions, likes, dislikes, passions that belong to the child.
*mod edit*

atina