I hate myself so much to the point I cry...

Okay, I usually don’t post on forums and have a hard time actually sticking with it (part of my problem), but I feel enough is enough and I need to reach out to someone; I just feel so fed up.

I have a lot going for me in my life I suppose; I have a good university degree in journalism (great job to want to go into with the personality I have... =/), a girlfriend, a family and a roof over my head. I know I have more than most people but that still doesn’t make me feel like hating myself any less. There are times in the past few months I have been hitting my head against a wall or mirror or window (not enough to break it, I have some restraint) and I usually find it’s when I feel really stressed with myself and have done something stupid, such as when I change a calm situation into something 10 times worse with some stupid negative or nasty comment.

Maybe I should explain… I am a recent graduate and have been unemployed for around a year now (many rejections). The fact I still have not found work (in my field or in retail or anything) has put a bit of a strain on my relationship with my lovely girlfriend of around five years. I have made sure to volunteer to help further my chances of acquiring a job but there are quite a few things standing in the way, though the biggest obstacle is myself.

In short I despise myself some days and hate myself on others. I feel I have little to offer the world, and what I do have to offer I end up screwing it all up. I’m lazy, easily distracted and immature. I know I need to change, I want to get work and I hate feeling this way but I just can’t change. I end up just strolling through life and not putting in 110% into life and it's making me hate myself even more. The other reasons I get this way are down to my anxiety; I can talk to people just fine and am not super shy or anything, I just feel anxious about approaching people at times, calling certain important people up on the phone, etc.. I just feel like I'm so messed up. And if anxiety and low self-esteem isn't enough I also have some issues with anger and is possibly one of the biggest issues I have with myself.

I get easily annoyed and agitated, mostly to the point I snap, snarl or just act defensive and nasty to someone else. My anger is always verbal; I’ve never lashed out and hit someone before and only have smashed an object once or twice in rage. Instead of lashing out on others I take it out on myself: hitting myself, smashing my head onto things, among other things, though all these are never to the stage it gets extremely serious as I’m too scared to actually do anything too harmful to my body (which I am grateful for since I don’t want to do myself so much harm to myself).

I dislike my anger, my other negative mental states, my outlook on life (procrastinating) and even sometimes my appearance, interests (or lack thereof), skills, abilities, intelligence, the fact I have a lack of friends, heck even my past. Though I am not walking around feeling like I hate myself every single second there are a lot of times I feel like a sack of poo. It doesn't help when I compare myself to other people who are all wonderful and much better than me (like skilled people like musicians, etc. you see online and even my own girlfriend who I look up to, admire and constantly compare myself to). I know everyone is unique and there are some things I might be better at than others but still...

Okay I have rambled on long enough... I'm sorry if all this was a mish-mash of information and if to outsiders it made no sense (not really in the right frame of mind to construct coherent sentences). I suppose I just wanted to let everything out today and finally start to face myself properly.

Thanks for your time.

hi MythGamer,
thanks for sharing! I am older than you, I finished the university 25 years ago, but as I read your message I can relate so good to what you say. that is precisely how I felt some years ago, almost trapped inside me.
the first thing is to know that it can get better!! the second is that it takes a while!!

patience, was a word I hated, I was impatient with myself, with everything and everybody. I searched and wrote two pages of short positive thoughts about patience, and I would read them before going to bed and waking up...it prepared me for the day, it helped me at night too.

there can be many many reasons behind your own procrastinating, and anxiety etc,
but I will tell you about my path, it my help you somehow.
I had as backdrop, my family's expectations, and also society's...I already had a hard time with both.
like many of us here, my childhood was far from ideal, good on the outside with many many problems on the inside, my dad was a functional alcoholic, and many problems derived from this.
I recognized some of me as a child in a film, I investigated and this child had Asperger. from then
we moved with my psych to episodes of psychosis under stress, then possible DID
and the last hypothesis is possible ADHD without the hyperactivity.

I used to hurt myself, not to the point of cutting myself, because the emotions inside were so overwhelming that I could barely stand this.
the process of accepting yourself has to be accompanied with understanding yourself,
and here is a great start, there are all kinds of tests on line, and forums here,
you can slowly move and see where you fit.... I can tell you that I have had to make many many changes in my life, to start functioning better, it has been 5 year with my psych, but I see the difference now, and when one side of me wants to hurt me, another side of me comes in and reinforce the positive...write down the positive, do not discard it all as wrong or negative,
so you can see more clearly, under which circumstances you react in an undesired way.

if you suffer so much over the phone (Very Asperger), then think about alternatives,
I did not practice what I studied, I have adapted in a way I could enjoy and function in what I did.
journalism will always be a tool, it does not matter what you decide to do. keep in touch!

loise wrote:hi MythGamer,
thanks for sharing! I am older than you, I finished the university 25 years ago, but as I read your message I can relate so good to what you say. that is precisely how I felt some years ago, almost trapped inside me.
the first thing is to know that it can get better!! the second is that it takes a while!!

patience, was a word I hated, I was impatient with myself, with everything and everybody. I searched and wrote two pages of short positive thoughts about patience, and I would read them before going to bed and waking up...it prepared me for the day, it helped me at night too.

there can be many many reasons behind your own procrastinating, and anxiety etc,
but I will tell you about my path, it my help you somehow.
I had as backdrop, my family's expectations, and also society's...I already had a hard time with both.
like many of us here, my childhood was far from ideal, good on the outside with many many problems on the inside, my dad was a functional alcoholic, and many problems derived from this.
I recognized some of me as a child in a film, I investigated and this child had Asperger. from then
we moved with my psych to episodes of psychosis under stress, then possible DID
and the last hypothesis is possible ADHD without the hyperactivity.

I used to hurt myself, not to the point of cutting myself, because the emotions inside were so overwhelming that I could barely stand this.
the process of accepting yourself has to be accompanied with understanding yourself,
and here is a great start, there are all kinds of tests on line, and forums here,
you can slowly move and see where you fit.... I can tell you that I have had to make many many changes in my life, to start functioning better, it has been 5 year with my psych, but I see the difference now, and when one side of me wants to hurt me, another side of me comes in and reinforce the positive...write down the positive, do not discard it all as wrong or negative,
so you can see more clearly, under which circumstances you react in an undesired way.

if you suffer so much over the phone (Very Asperger), then think about alternatives,
I did not practice what I studied, I have adapted in a way I could enjoy and function in what I did.
journalism will always be a tool, it does not matter what you decide to do. keep in touch!

Hi Loise,

Thank you for your reply, it was helpful. The fact things will get better after a while of waiting scares me, but that's just because I want my life to start getting on track properly now. Just eager to start my new life, get work and be happy, but I understand that nothing complicated can be sorted out so easily. It takes time, effort and confidence, that last one I still need to work on a lot.

I've looked before into tests and all that and they're really helpful. I mainly seem to fall into very mild anxiety. My problem is just my lack of confidence in myself; something goes right but then a million things pile on top. I know that's life, I just need to handle things better.

My phone issue is not a massive deal now, though I still feel really nervous and anxious I can call people for phone interviews and everything a little better now. Once I get talking on the phone I'm fine, it's just starting it up that I find slightly difficult.

Still got a long road ahead of me but, like you said, things will get better in time. Thank you again for the advice. =)

hi MythGamer,
just because I want my life to start getting on track properly now. Just eager to start my new life, get work and be happy, \.....Still got a long road ahead of me but, like you said, things will get better in time. Thank you again for the advice. =)[/quote]

I am glad I can be of help...you know, life is a process, we are never quite there, sometimes we have one of the things we want, sometimes we have two, and sometimes we are just struggling to survive.....we do not get quite there, that is just the horizon, and as you walk in that direction
the horizon will keep moving away...
think of it as a ride, it is not about getting there, but how we try to do the best under the circumstances as we travel in that direction...
I do not have a job, but I keep myself busy with voluntary work, which to me is the same,
because I give the best of me and feel useful..
if I am happy? I am at peace, and not all the time...I feel thankful often, for what I have and for those things I do not have including other health issues.

I do not know if this amounts to the word happiness, but I do try, that my life be a reflection of what I believe in. ...make little steps, very little, in the direction that you want, that you dream...and keep in touch!!