Can anybody help?

I didn't really know where to put this but seeing as my self-esteem isn't exactly sky-high I thought this is as good a place as any. (I should also warn you that this might be quite long)

Well my story goes that I'm 18 and in my last year at college before going to university and well I can't remember a time where I really felt good about myself. Everything I do there has always been someone better then me, whether that be sport, music, schoolwork etc, and I hate myself for not being better at what I do.

With all this not feeling good enough is the fact I have got a bit of social anxiety which as much as I try I just can't seem to fix i find myself constantly in the mindset that whatever I say people will find me weird and not want to spend time with me. To counter this I constantly try to make people laugh and whilst people like me when I can get them to laugh this has led to whenever a joke I tell falling flat I feel so bad and angry at myself for being such a loser, also I think I've got to the stage where I am trying too hard to make people laugh and then this leading to more jokes falling flat and then the cycle repeating. Also I feel like with the people I do get along with and can make laugh the connections are very shallow and people almost using me as an emotional stool to feel better about themselves. Honestly I am probably making all this up in my head but I don't feel I could attempt any deep connections with these people because then they will think I'm a weirdo and a loser and I'll get even less friends then before.

Honestly I think this all derives from how much of an a-hole my father is. He would also sound so angry at everything and every time he asks me to do something if I don't do it to the letter he will start telling me how stupid I am and how i always 'create more jobs that need doing' and i can't do a 'simple job' also he has weird rules which obviously need to be done completely like opening the smaller window to the bathroom otherwise burglars are going to break in (are bathroom is three storeys off the ground) and again if the smaller window isn't open then he starts on telling me how stupid I am etc, this will often stretch into him recounting every mistake I've ever made for a good 20-30 minutes. When I start to argue I'm met with 'no, don't argue' and 'your wrong' and however much I want to tell him what I think I just can't bring myself to do it and I will just wallow in self-loathing after these verbal attacks.

I don't think I could go to therapy as I'm still living with my parents and I don't want to live through the awkwardness of telling them and then that coming round to hit me with all the other mistakes I made when I was seven.

If anyone could give me some help/ insight on what to do because I feel lost and I just don't know what to do with myself.

Cheers

oh man. this is hard.
i always said 'why do people have kids if they cant be responsible or care for them in a proper way'. it is almost always them who mess up the next generation. sorry you had to live with the bad parents.

i know how you feel about being told all sorts of nasty things, like being stupid or useless. it will get better. eventually.

it seems to me you don't really enjoy going to school. are you studying something you like? this will help you boost your self esteem. studying at an university in a different city will help you get out of the toxic environment at home. this seems like something you should talk to your parents about not your self esteem issues. if they don't have this issue they will never understand. beg them if you have to, to help you get in a school out of your hometown, but talk about your dreams or future when you do so, not the difficulties you have at home. this way you wont appear as a runaway, but as someone who tries to be responsible and a grown-up.

i too have mild social anxiety, but i think it might be due to my suspected Aspergers. ...
be safe