Adult now, but was I emotionally abused as a kid?

Hi All,

I'm a 29 year old male and have fought low self-esteem, depression, ADHD, shyness, anxiety, automatic negative thoughts, and various other ailments since I was a kid. Mainly, I know I have issues, but I want to conquer them and live a positive life going forward. I posted this since I'm unsure if I'm "naturally" the way I am, of if it was a cause of abuse as a kid. I was never physically abused and beaten, the worst thing along those lines was I was spanked or had projectiles thrown at me (like a book, sofa pillow or the like) but I think I am suffering from the effects of emotional abuse as a kid. Anyhow, my parents have helped me financially when I need it and provided for me growing up, so they're not awful parents or anything. In a nutshell, my dad would regularly belittle my brother and I, guilt trip us, sometimes hit us if we talked back, or all-around do things to lower our self-esteem. If we ever told about lofty dreams we had, he'd put a negative spin on it and do things to deflate our egos. Granted, if we were ever depressed he'd try to cheer us up. But it was like he was always bi-polar and he could go from "hot to cold" (angry to friendly in a short time) on regular occasions.

As an armchair psychologist, I know his "Old World Italian dad" ruled their house with an iron-fist and because of this it caused him to be similar when he became a dad. I never met my grandpa and frankly don't care, based on what I've heard about him. I remember my dad ruled the house like a dictator and he would never reason with us, no matter what the topic was. He was also very selfish and most nights he would watch TV while we ate dinner, then go to bed a few hours later. He was, and is, an emotionally detached person in many cases. It's odd since on the surface he tries to joke and be cheerful, but there's always the child in him who will change his moods and brood if things don't go his way. I think he's a 69 year old with a teen's mind, at times. My mom is very friendly and caring, but she doesn't have a backbone and rarely stood up for herself or us as kids, and still has that problem. Her motto was to "ignore it" and forget about it when he'd do anything hurtful. Unfortunately now I'm like my mom, whereas I fight low self-confidence and I also have the issues of emotional problems, where I can experience mood swings and have a short temper. My brother as an adult is argumentative, has a short fuse, and isn't afraid to tell anyone off. I think unfortunately I've internalized my depressions and my brother has "fought back" and is now venting his anger at the world.

I'm on here now to get support and admit I have problems, but I want to move on and fix them for if/when I have kids. I don't want to be like my dad and want to start a new life and gain self-confidence. Again, I'm not sure if I was born overly-sensitive, or if my upbringing caused my issues. I'm usually a cheerful person, but I have self-confidence issues and sometimes I stammer when I speak due to my nervousness. I also seem to be an overly-anxious person and just don't feel at peace. Thanks!

Im sorry Denver29.Your upbringing sounds alot like mine.My father was very abusive.Belittling someone IS emotional/verbal abuse.And it is just as real and harsh as any other kind of abuse.PTSD amongst other things plague people emotionally abused.I have alot of anxiety issues as well.My mother never stood up for us children,and sometimes I am more angry at her for ALLOWING the abuse.As I feel she did nothing to protect us.She feels verbally belittling someone really is nothing..Afterall..according to her..we werent getting slapped around all the time.Altho we did at times.And it IS a parents duty to provide and care for a child until at least 18 in the USA.I hate when they throw the "I provided for you" card out there.That is a parents duty.Try to find some peace in life..try to realize the abuse was never really about you,but was caused by a person with alot of emotional inadequesies and instabilities.Try to seek some therapy..try to find that wonderful voice you have..use it.remember you are not alone.My father,who is in his 80s now,is unmedicated bipolar,NPD,arrogantly entitled.Life has not been easy with my family.But dont allow him,or anyone esle,rob you of your joy for life.Wishing you peace..joy..and happiness in life.xx

Hi Starbright,

Thanks so much for responding and opening up. It seems like we experienced very similar situations in our upbringings. As kids, my dad would come home and "do his own thing" with minimal positive bonding with us kids. Even recently when I was at home, he stayed holed up in his room watching TV or being in his own world. My mom also would say "Oh, just ignore your dad, that's what I do when he says things to me," but she never put a foot down and said "It ends here!" I know my grandpa was probably a P.O.S. (sorry, sounds harsh I know) who mistreated his kids, so that's where it was learned by my dad, I assume. My dad is almost 70 years old (70 going on 7 the way he has tantrums); but he still belittles and says hateful things about people he never met, people he knows, and just a "hater" overall. It's worse since he is a "Catholic" zealot, which is odd since a true Catholic wouldn't say all the hateful things he does. I'm still hurt and don't know if I want him in my life much anymore due to the damage he caused and I also see what a sad, empty, bitter old man he is. The worst thing is he treats strangers WAY better than he treats his own family. To me, that's a sign of a coward and a bully. If you're going to be an a$$hole, be like that to everyone, not just your family. Oh well, now I want to get treated and start a new life. Luckily I took after my mom and am still optimistic and cheerful, so I need to learn to wash away the bad parts of my mental health and life a happy life!