21 amd feel like my life is over before it has even begun..

this is my first post to one of these things ever..but my problem has gotten so bad i dont know how to deal with it anymore..when i was 18 i had the best year of my life at university but ever since then everything has seemed to fall apart..i moved out of the campus residence and into an apartment with a guy i was helping out who all my friends hated.. they shunned me for the entire year and i had no one to talk to, i became dependant on my guy friend and hung out with all his friends but i never felt like i was really their friends..i eventually started dating him but havent been able to make any friends on my own since i moved out of residence..

for my third year i moved back into residence as my bf moved to a different town and tried to make friends once again with the people who were supposed to be my friends in the first place but it was like they didnt really want to be my friend at all anymore..i tried making new friends but felt as though i was being mocked at every turn. i felt so betrayed i couldnt open myself up to anyone and it was a horrible lonely year. i felt like such a bad person because no one wanted to be friends with me and i blamed myself for it like my weight gain (which onlymade me gain more), or that i was just not a nice person anymore and people couldnt see a friend in me..now the problem has only gotten worse..i made myself so sick from being depressed i got into exstacy and eventually forced myself to quit school to get away from it because it was only making my problem worse (i took 30 pills in a month and a half, 9 in a 30 hr period).

i moved in with my bf who lived 4 hours away to a new place where i know no one..we live in the middle of no where, we cant afford a car, i cant find a job anywhere and have no way to get there even if i did, the only people i know are his friends once again who are all a lot older than me..i barely get out of the house and i barely see my bf now because he works almost everyday for 10 hrs a day..i got a dog thinking it would help but i am so angry all the time i feel almost claustrophobic being in this house all the time...i have gained my last 15 lbs since i moved here 4 monthes ago, i barely get off the couch and i eat constantly to the point where i almost get sick, then sometimes i will go days without eating much at all..i sleep all the time (if i am not eating) i discussed with my bf about moving back home but he started crying because he doesnt want me to leave but i have become something i am so disgusted with i dont know what to do anymore..and i have been getting the feeling lately that my relationship with my only and best friend my bf is ending so soon i will have nothing...i have discussed this with him so many times and he cannot seem to think of anything, he just tells me to wait things will work out but it has been three years and i am lonely and tired of waiting for my life to start, all the things i have tried have only made things worse so i dont know what to do anymore..

i will be devastated if i lose him..and then the cycle will start over again when i move home because there is nothing for me there either..i just feel like my life is headed nowhere and i cant seem to see any good going to come out of it..im not suicidal or anything like that but sometimes i wish i would just fall asleep and never wake up..anyways i have rambled on enuff about it...does anyone have any advice..

you should finish school and dont let some kids ruin your life. after u finish college you'll be able to move get a job and start all over again. i hope things work out for you.

i'm here if u need me


<3
doesntdeserve06

thanks,
the problem is i went three yrs into school changed my degree after the first year and went through 3 student loans..i cant afford to go back to school right now because i messed up so much and dropped out..my plan was to do this online course for a year and a half until my program starts up not this sept but next..the thing is i cant concentrate on my online course because of all thats going on or should i say for the lack of whats going on in my life..i feel like my course is kinda pointless too because when and if i get to go back to school it is the same exact thing i am learning now just with hands on experience..i mean i am doing really well in it but my progress has slowed significanlty and i just cant find the motivation for life anymore..boo , the course and the dog and my barely existent bf are just not enuff stimulation for me..just wish something would start happening in my life but i dont really know of anymore ways to make it happen..like i said all the ways ive tried have just seemed to make it worse..and yea i have said screw the people that dont want to be friends with me but it only makes me more angry and resentful of ppl to the point i dont want to get close to anyone and push them away when its actually the opposite of what i really need. its so messed up how the way you act really isnt necessarily who you are..

i dont see why you let theese people mess with you so much?
what makes them so good and important.

well....to be perfectly honest...when you dont have anyone its kinda hard not to want the first person who comes along..i just dont understand how i used to be able to make friends so easily and now it seems as though i am constantly being scrutinized. i try not to take everything to heart but when you try for so long to make friends and then you stop trying and you still have no luck you kinda start thinking about what it is about you that is so wrong..i know i am at a point where i am pitying myself way too much but this is where ive gotten to, i want to get out but it is hard when there is no support..i dont think i am strong enough to be my own support system..not at this point for sure..i am one of my biggest critics