You might think I am worthless, because I do.

The Cause:

That is the theme that myself and my therapist have derived for the reason that I am not getting what I want out of my life. Let me give you a slight background on myself.

I am 27, Male. I was born with congenital birth defects which sadly made me be born without the two most important fingers (the middle ones). I also had a cleft lip, and some other akward issues but those are mostly inconsequential for the scope of this message.

Throughout my childhood, everyone in my life -- teachers, other kids, and especially my mom (she was divorced). Ingrained in me the sense of uselessness, that I would never be anything, that I dont deserve anything, and that I shouldnt expect anything out of life.

My mom is a whole different ball of pain entirely. Nothing was ever good enough for her, she was always trying to make me better. "I was depressed", "I had ADHD", "I was a bad kid", I need to be better better better! Every summer until I was 11 years old I would have plastic surgery to repair "what was wrong with me".

Through the fact that my mom was a single parent, and the other kids seemed to all hate me; I didn't get much practice being social, although I feel as though I am fairly well spoken, intelligent, and caring.

I feel like I have a little voice saying "They dont care what you have to say", "What if they notice your hands?", "You dont matter".
Basically because I have been told that all of my life. By pretty much everyone I can think of.

The effects:
- I am seemingly incapable of making aquaintences (friends, girlfriends) offline, and even when I meet someone that I have met online (personals site, what have you) I feel like I have to prove my worth to someone before I can meet them.
- I have a very hard time letting the people who I do meet get close to me, or once they do get close to me I get scared and run away, or if I dont get scared and run away; I sabotage things to try and get them to run away because I am so used to being isolated that the alternative is scary.
- I love my girlfriend, I mean I really do love her. We broke up back in february because she felt like she couldnt trust me because I am a very private person [not because I cheat on her], also because I have a female friend who I used to date and she feels/felt very threatened by that even though the relationship is purely plutonic. I felt very smothered by that relationship, and during the relationship I felt like she always wanted to spend every moment with me. Now, I realize that I am the one who facilitated the abundance of time-spending, not her. She would've been happy with less contact; but because I dont have very many people in my life (a total of 4, seriously) I was constantly hanging out with her; but I blamed her for it... I feel terrible about this as well.

- Me and my girlfriend are back together, I noticed while we were apart and I wasnt dating anyone else that I was fairly miserable being totally isolated again. I noticed that once I started meeting new women and going out I was very happy. But my girlfriend is the woman I love, and I obviously cant go out on dates with a bunch of women and be in a relationship with her at the same time. I am not saying that is what I need, I am saying I need human contact from other people, I need advice, insight, friendship, love, trust.

- That brings me full circle. I have been in therapy with the same therapist for 3 years, it didnt take long for us to figure out my mom was a large source of my issues, every time he tells me to do an excersize where I "pretend like she is here and tell her . . .". I cant do it, it is just, impossible for me. It is impossible for me to express in words how much she took from me, not only from me; but from the little boy who used to be me, and the man I have am becoming in my late 20s.

It feels like the crystal ball of pain that is inside of me may be lodged in the hole in the boat, and the only thing keeping the ship from sinking. Whenever I try to move it, it feels like kryptonite, and no matter what I do in my life, it is never good enough.

For example, I do things just because it is "what you do". I am so dysfunctional as a person that I dont really want things for myself. I bought a house because its a 'milestone' I am getting a degree because its a 'milestone'. I am playing my life like a videogame which is rife with achievements but I am taking no joy out of it at all, and If i spend many more sunny and 80 degree wednesday afternoons in my therapists office crying I am afraid that I may end up losing another 27 years of my life to my mom.

Which may have been her goal all along.

If anyone has any advice for me..

I'm really desparate,

Thank you.


Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?
-

dear friend ,
hi,
i have just gone through your mail.
simply i cant understand it....what is the specific problem you want to get rid off...,,,i could help you if you help me in getting into it....
and what your mom wants you to be like,,,,,pl explain it further.
thanks.
Dr Mona