will i ever be happy and normal?

im totally new to this so dont really know where to begin
i absolutly loath myself
from the outside i appear to have a great life...iv loads of "friends" am studying for a degree, have a really sound boyfriend that im mad about, seem really confident etc
but i put on a front the whole time in front of everyone i smile wider laugh louder and party harder than everyone but im dying inside
theres so much going on inside my head-iv so many insecurities, so many bad things have happened to me, iv so many regrets that if i was to focus on it all my head would explode so what i tend to do is put it to the back of my brain and concentrate on other areas of my life that may lead people to believe that im shallow, selfish or lazy. But im not
since i was a child iv always been a really deep thinker...i was very introverted and suffered terribly with panic attacks
i have memories of being awake all night worrying about the complexities of life and death-what is "eternity?"how can the universe go on forever?what are we? etc.i must have only been about 6 or 7
i have been to counsellors and psychologists but found that no help
i used to be really good at expressing myself but now i would rather keep everything inside rather than talk about it so now its all after building up and i dont know where to start
i cant even cry anymore and i really wish i could becase its a great release and something i used to find quite theraputic
because i havnt dealt with things as they happened, im now stuck in a really dark place where all my problems are inter-related and its all completly overwhelming
my family is a mess i wouldnt get into it
i was raped last year and nothing id going to be done about it the police hav done all they can but theres not enough evidence it makes me feel sick
someone very close to me died 2months ago and i really dont know how to deal with grief
i drink way to much and hav now entered a vicious circle as alcohol in itself is a depressant and it has brought me nothing but misery is ruining my life and i hate myself for not having the willpower or motivation to stop.i hate the person i become and the things i do when i drink
i hate every part of my body and face and then hate myself for hating it when it functions and there are people in the word with deformaties and disabilities and illnesses and i should be grateful for what i have.im disgusted at myself for feeling like this
people tell me im beautiful and tell me that they would love to look like me but they dont see all da horrible things i see.i hide them well behind my mask of make up blond hair dye and designer clothes i cant afford anymore
it wouldnt make a difference if a million people lined up in front of me and told me i was the most incredible looking person in the world...unless you feel it from within it means absolutly nothing
i used to make myself sick after i ate but had to stop as i was starting to make myself really ill. unfortunatly for me, i still retained my binge eating habits and so disgust myself as i do it but dont get it up
my insides are a mess i wont be able to donate any of my organs
i havnt been sleeping well recently instead i think up all these awful scenarios-terrible things happening to me or ways that i could die
i sound like a mad woman but i dont think i could kill myself at the moment knowin my luck it wouldnt work and i know i would upset a good few people that i care about
anyway im rambling on abit could type until im forty and still not got it all out. would just like to know if theres anyone else out there in a similar predicament. how do u cope? will things ever get better will i ever be happy and normal?

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I put up a wall around me and put on my masks everyday. People have no idea of the depths of my despair. I buried all the feelings from all the years of the crap I had to deal with. I feel so guilty for being so miserable and hating myself so much when there are deformed, handicapped people who are happy. I'm not suicidal but tried of life. I've found that the more you try to run away from your problems and emotions the worse it will be in the long run. You have a lot to deal with...the rape, family problems, etc. Find someone to talk to like a counselor or someone who can help you. Or find some way to face your feelings, like writing them down. Since you are the only one who truly knows how you feel and what makes you feel that way, you are the only one who can take those first steps to trying to resolve them. Yes, there is always hope. There is no such thing as "normal" but there can be a day when you feel better.

thanks a million for your reply thats really sound advice
i know that theres no overnight cure for depression and other related issues
i was actually extremely surprized to see the extent of psychological problems people are dealing with from this site alone and of course every situation is unique...
talking always helps but for me personally i hated paying someone to listen to me rambling on and having to pretend that they cared
maybe i just need to snap out of it and stop feeling sorry for myself
its just especially hard when youve let certain issues escalate by not facing them head on
the human mind is so complex
maybe we all wear masks...not out of fear or shame but out of neccessity-a coping mechanism

I think we do all wear masks. It's only when you forget where the mask starts and the real you ends is where there's a problem. It would be wonderful if we could "snap out of it", wouldn't it? If only life was so easy. If talking helps then maybe you can find someone who you don't have to pay to talk to. It might be harder though if certain issues escalated too far.