wish i was someone else.

i thought i was okay, but i think i was just numb, kind of immobilized for a while. i was moving on steadily with some break downs but now i just feel like im going to explode. i HATE myself. i am lazy, wasteful, stupid, ugly, fat, i am a failure, i cant do anything without giving up. i hate the way my hair is, i hate my eyes, they make me look dumbfounded, my face is too round. i have no close firends and i live a very small life. my day consists of waking up, take my meds, workout, sleep, work, watch tv, go back to bed.
i am so desperate for some company. i just want to feel beautiful and special. my body aches from being so empty, its like a hunger i try to feed with anything, food, sex, sleep, alcohol, running. but i cant get away from it. it haunts me even in my dreams. i cannot even escape reality in my dreams because they are so empty. I AM SO EMPTY. i am literally so full of rage. why is everyone so damn happy? why am i alone. i try so hard to reach out to people in group therapy, at work, anywhere.. but i feel like i am an annoyance to everyone. i honestly cant imagine anyone getting excited when they think of me.. or looking forward to seeing me, or even getting butterflies. i am an undesireable mess. i am a freak. a suicidal freak. i drive everyone away. this lonliness literally hollows me out every day. it gets worse and worse. i feel like my body is sick, i cant sleep without meds, i cant be awake without meds. i am a medicated loser. i cant see myself living on my own. i cant do it. i recently graduated from highschool which i thought everything would get better but its almost worse. at school my lonliness was postponed a little while i studied, but now its magnified. i hate my stupid self. i have no purpose. i cant stand being in this vessel, hearing these thoughts. i have how i percieve things and i feel so different from everyone. i honestly believe there is something wrong with me. i am not normal. i just cant stand dealing with this anymore... please help..

This is a really tough place to be in, rise_above. I'm sorry things are sucking so much. And that the meds aren't supporting you as much as they ought to. Have you talked to your pdoc about that? Could you have developed a tolerance, perhaps? Or the formulation could have changed, without notification. It's a little like having a crutch that's a foot too short. It ought to be helping while you find your feet again. But it's just not right for you at the moment and needs adjustment.

You are NOT a medicated loser. No-one's a loser for taking meds. We're all just doing whatever we can to make things better. You're working so hard at it, it's frustrating that it's having so little effect at the moment.