Is there such a disorder as 'fear of failure'?

Hi folks,

I'm 35, married with one kid, and have suffered anxiety and depression since 13. Never diagnosed clinically until I attempted to kill myself. I never knew suicide ran in my family until my sister told me (shortly after leaving the hospital) that grandpa killed himself when we were kids. Until then his illness and death remained a mystery to me.

I think I've had a sort of "fear of failure" since my schooldays that has affected my working life in adulthood. I remember days of coming home with bad report cards, progress notes, or unpleasant calls from my teachers and afterwards being reamed by mom. "That's why you were in special ed all that time", or "do you want to be a bum?", or "you'll end up a junkyard mechanic if you fall behind". It didn't help that my sister was an overachiever. To this day I find every task boring and tedious, and a tremendous fear of letting my superiors and my partner down.

Those memories still haunt me to this day. Yes, I graduated college as I promised myself I would (to live up to their expectations, not mine) but afterwards I became tired and have had trouble holding a job or finding any excitement hoping for a career, and have been working at various retail stores over the last decade. I am now partly responsible for raising and caring for my kid, and how can I do that if I can't even care for myself. How can I be a role model to her when I pretty much hate myself?

I thought I got out of the hole when I trained to become a low-voltage technician (which was exciting), but in order to keep their rigorous schedule and quality of work (or be fired-they were very clear about this) I had to hop up on caffeine tablets to stay alert. I ended up burning out and had to quit in order not to get fired (I was on my final warning anyway). I have lost hope for the future and am now stuck back at square one. I haven't the strength to move, and now have a caffeine addiction.

I've been through two jobs over the last 2 months. My partner is pissed off and I suppose my marriage is in danger. I am trying to get help but the shrink's office is booked for weeks.

I'm glad you've found your way to this forum. And that you are actively seeking help, because that's the best role model you could possibly be for your daughter. It's not about being bulletproof and amazing. Because her life won't be without its troubles sooner or later. And having a superhero parent would make it much harder for her to be human and get help herself. Good role modelling is about showing her that the important thing is to look for positive ways to cope. Sometimes strength is simply getting out of bed that day. Sometimes even that's too much and that's OK too.

There's a post over in Abuse which talks about ways to find accessible therapy. It's mostly going to apply if you're in the US. But might give ideas in other countries too. sexual-abuse-incest/topic104621.html#p1022269

I don't know if fear of failure is its own disorder. [Anything is possible in the new DSM5.] But it's a huge indicator of stress and emotional abuse. So it's good that you're looking at it and ways to tackle it. Working out a way to taper down the caffeine use seems like a helpful step too. Cold turkey is going to be horrible and stressful. It works for some people, not for others. Cutting down over a few weeks seems like a more humane approach.

And, does your partner have a full picture of this? If you've been trying to cover with them too, it might be good to open up so they can better understand and hopefully support you.