I'm an empty shell

I was more of a person once. I've lost myself. There is not much left. I hate what I've become. I've always hated myself. I don't know who I am. I act like I'm normal. People think I'm so together. They can't see inside me. I'm nothing. I'm nothing but an empy shell. I have the shape of a person. I'm hallow and empty inside. I kept all my emotions and thoughts inside. It rotten me from the inside out. I xan smile and laugh but I don't feel the smile and laugh. If I feel it its for a few minutes. I'm cracked. My shell will shatter. There's nothing inside to hold it together. I need to be put back together. I'm a robot and my feelings need to be programmed. I wish I was really a robot so I couldn't feel despair and emptiness. Are those feleings? Can I still be feeling something? The emptiness is breaking me apart. What is it like to be normal? I'm drunk as I write this but this is good. It's who I am. I am nobody.

Yes, despair is a feeling. Desolation is a feeling. I felt that way once.

Did something happen, or did these feelings just kind of come over you?

Wow I'm sober now and can't believe what I wrote. Surprisingly it is right on the money. Not something recent that happenned, I've felt this way for quite some time. It's all catching up with me.

What's catching up to you? Your feelings? Yeah, they'll do that. Really bite you on the a$$, too.

I think you could have alot of anger that you've been suppressing, and you are getting depressed because of that. I understand that's the most common cause of depression. What's going on?

Yes, I think I do have a lot of anger surpressed. It is my feelings that are catching up to me. Perhaps its my unhappy childhood coming back to haunt me. Just when I thought the doors were shut tight. I thought for years that somehow I'd be better and happier. That somehow magically I could find all the things in life that I wanted. I can't help myself because I can't move forward. My feet are stuck to the ground. I could just stand still and wave to the world as it goes by. I'd be fine, maybe sink a centimeter a year but not sink so that I'd drown. I don't want to go through life like this. I want to move forward. I wish I was a different person. I don't have the strength that I thought I had. I feel so guilty for not being happy for what I do have and for not truly being happy for being alive. It's not like I'm being consumed by depression. I've passed that. I'm not depressed. I'm not happy. I'm like a straight line but it's all fake. I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about as I write this and I don't even know why I am writing this.

Depression isn't sadness; sadness is a feeling, where depression is more the absence of feeling (or so I understand).

It's not the pain, or the anger, that is depressing you. It's the silencing of your self, the denial of your feelings. I'm not the expert on this. Apparently I repress everything that isn't nailed down. When we were kids, or in other, more vulnerable circumstances, maybe suppressing our feelings and hiding our selves was a survival strategy. Now, however, it's time to let yourself come up for air. It's probably a sign that you are feeling this pain more when you drink; drinking reduces inhibition. Why not find some other way to vent those feelings constructively, and let your real, true self feel again -- which is the magical awakening I think you're hoping for.

Take care.

Thanks for your response. What you said makes a lot of sense and is correct. The silencing of my self is part of what depresses me. The problem is I've silenced myself for so long I don't know who I am now. I don't know if I'll ever find a way to vent my feelings or let my true self emerge from its self imposed isolation but perhaps one day I will. I really must stay away from drinking it only makes me feel worse and gets me even more depressed.

empty_shell. are you still reading this forum?

Empty_shell,

I know this is an old post but I have to say that a lot of what you said resonated with me. I feel like much of what you described applies to me too. I do completely agree that depression could be supressed anger. I have had a a lot of unexpressed (provoked and justified) anger building up inside of me, and then, at one point I suddenly realized that no matter how many reasons I had to feel that way.. I just couldn't feel angry any more. Normally being quite assertive this has stumped me. It wasn't a realization in a 'wow, this is great, nothing gets to me anymore' kind of way. More in a 'what on earth is wrong with me, I have every reason to feel angry right now, why can't I get angry anymore? I miss that feeling' - kind of way.

For a long time I thought I was depressed because I couldn't get angry. Only to realize that I was depressed BECAUSE for so long I denied myself that relief!

I am certainly not advocating that we go around ripping people's head's off, it'd be an incredibly irresponsible post if I did. Besides, it's been confirmed by experts that an over-the top anger creates a subsequent feeling of guilt. They also agree that it's a very healthy emotion, just like any other.

Find the right words to express it. Even as little as 'I don't know how you as a mature person see this' could save one a lot of pent up frustration and perhaps bring them closer to who they are.

What I am trying to sayis this. Do try not to skip an opportunity at venting, in an appropriate way, when it's justified, or expressing your natural emotions as they rise up. Suppressing/skipping my natural reactions lead me to a place not dissimilar to the one you found yourself in.

I hope you feel better. I myself am on the path to healing and I want to wish you all the best with re-connecting with yourself.