Confidently dating?

I can sometimes be a bit of a analyser and it has come to my mind that people choose relationships for entirely different reasons.

Some people seems to be more lost in the dating business, its said that we choose partners depending on how our parents were-or that we choose them who look like our parent.

What about people who are grown up without their parent(s)?

Or what about people who are in conflict with their parent(s)?

It smears out that inner dating map.

I think some people are damaged that way, some sort of a disturbance and so they are under developed or not developed at all in that field.

Yet they still date.

I have heard of adopted who are married with children etc..
so clearly this isn`t a given.

Sometimes it feels like the type i am explaining here follows their partner more then another type would.

Maybe a bit more submissive? Even thou they might not seem that way when they are in public.

I think that type is more of a chiseller who will try and make the pieces fit, instead of being "programmed".

Maybe because "that" type is someone who knows what it means to live without and so makes better of what s(he) got. The key word is "got" and not "getting".

When you ask people what type of person they would like to be dating in their future, i think a lot of people subconsciously knows what their type is, while others don`t.

And so they find out as they go which leaves room to imagination, flexibility and diversity.

My dad wasn't around much and he was a heavy drinker. I'm not looking for a heavy drinker, but I can manage through some periods on my own. However, when I need someone I don't want someone who is just never there or who expects me to take the backseat. So maybe I don't mind someone who has things outside of me or who sometimes has to do things outside of me but I want to be the ultimate priority. Nothing like how I felt treated by my dad.
I would say my dad had some agreeable traits, but I don't relate this much to him. For example, we both liked video games, even both favored the same series. When I think of what I want in a husband I don't think my dad liked video games so my husband should; I think I like video games, I hope my husband does too. It corresponds with the drinking thing. I don't drink much, I don't want my husband to drink much even though my dad did.

The strange thing about my mom, who I loved dearly and stayed close to my life until she died, is that she said some things to me that really hurt. I would never want my husband to say those things. I don't look to be harmed and I don't want that to affect my relationships. Of course, without even wanting that I experienced exactly that. I fell for someone who eventually said the most horrible things to me and wound up a drunk. That didn't attract me to them. It felt like a horrible loop where I just wasn't allowed to have a good intimate relationship no matter how much I needed or wanted it. I fear those qualities, not desire them.

My story is different from your analysis in that you believe people look for qualities of their parents in significant others. I believe I never looked for those qualities but they were found anyways.

shutin wrote:I believe I never looked for those qualities but they were found anyways.

Yes you must deal with them no matter what..or how. There is a strong link between parents and children that maybe not everyone is aware of or see.
You certainly notice it when your pants are off in public, but a parents ignorance goes unnoticed.

Parents have ownership on their children until they die, whether they have contact with the child or not.

If the relationship between child and parent is difficult then so will the social understanding be.

In some way parents are not allowed to let us down like other people might. We have much higher expectations of them and demand a lot.
Sometimes they are just not good parents, but if you bring that to their conscience then you will have an argument.

Parents are like all other people, humans with faults, mistakes, addictions, personality etc..

Its hard to be "on the other side" of a parent where you have to be the judge.

Since i myself have lost my parents due to conflict, i feel like i am a chiseller when it comes to my relationship. I feel like little is predictable. Having that silent, stable relationship with your parents is important.
Parents approve of your partners and they can be an important guide to make you understand what is good or bad for you in the dating frenzy. But only if you have good connection to them and them to you.

I had a very disconnected mother and an absent father, so my parents are not good at guiding me into the right relationship, i must find it out by myself which takes up a lot of time and a lot of trial and error.

But i hope i will get there eventually.

Parents who are dead or alive, conscious or unconscious should never have ownership of a conscious person or conscious child even if they do. In fact, it technically isn't ownership. I never sold myself and I'm not a rock devoid of conscious. My body is always mine, dead or alive, just as any other property I own or was forced to forfeit. A parent feigning ownership is nothing but a thief claiming to own what they stole from another. Sure there are exceptions when a person is forced to claim ownership to prevent tragedy due to some outside assuming they can claim ownership. This happens when they assume that if a person isn't owned by another then they must be free goods for the taking when in reality the free person owns itself.
A parents role is much like any job. If you join a restaurant and ask to be a cook there, then you cook. You might not own the food, but you still cook it. If you birth a child then you are signing yourself up to provide and protect when possible and when it doesn't jeopardize the child. You might not own the child, but you still provide for it.
As for coming from my mom and dads body/property: if they choose to make me a separate conscious then my body is a gift to me. If they didn't choose that then my conscious deserves to be separated from their cells. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to happen even at a conscious demand that it be done.

shutin wrote:A parents role is much like any job. If you join a restaurant and ask to be a cook there, then you cook. You might not own the food, but you still cook it. If you birth a child then you are signing yourself up to provide and protect when possible and when it doesn't jeopardize the child. You might not own the child, but you still provide for it.

True but we were talking about when that doesn`t work as it should and how that can affect dating.

Not all parents do what they are supposed to do, if the world only contained of people who did what they were supposed to do we would all be robots and therefore there would not be any need for dating advice or dating frustrations. Unfortunately i must be a human to the day i die and therefore live that life with all its disappointments, let downs and hurt.

Sure there are/might be some good days-but i am yet to be surprised by someone`s skills in the dating business. I hate to feel like i am asking for too much. I also hate it when dating consultants tell you not to talk about your negative problems. It so leaves all psychiatric sufferers out.

How am i going to tell a person that i am not working and at the same time tell him why i am not working without touching stuff that has happened to me?

It seems like an impossible task.

I might look the part but do i act the part in his love story?
Does he expect a jobless woman with a ton of problems?

I am not saying that i am going to put my problems on him, but i am not saying they are invisible neither.

Its one thing for me to cope with my problems-its another thing for others.

If he doesn`t have the will to survive in my atmosphere then there just isn`t a point to start.
Its really frustrating because most people in my age expect a healthy, happy and working female.

They expect that i also am a bread winner. Even if i have a small stable income its not as much as i would get from a job.

Last time i had a boyfriend i felt uplifted, supported, courageous and confident.
But its one thing what my mind thinks and another what my body can do.

Since i used to work too much before i have accumulated a lot of pain. I have back problems, hip problem, head problem, arm problem, leg problem and feet problem.

People seem to think that if i can put up the right boarders then i can work.
That just isn`t the truth. Sure if you have some problems you can cope but not if you have too many.

Bosses only accept a little bit.

My days vary, some days i might feel better physically but then my emotions or something emotionally drags me down and my back gets bad again.

So i am struggling with a lot of issues and that just isn`t easy for a man to cope with, even if i don`t ask him to cope with it. On my own i can manage.

The thing do i tell him? Or don`t i?

If i tell him, then he might feel despair? If i don`t then i will not feel good.

Some of my injuries are from jobs, i used to carry heavy things, and work in stressful jobs in my twenties.

I almost always had several jobs at the same time-there just is no stop button in me!

At one point i had 4 jobs at the same time-working night and day.

Its sad to fall of the horse but when you can`t control yourself you don`t have any choice you have to walk.

Every job has its stress, there is something called psychosomatic pain which is pain that is stress related.

I have some of that too. Sometimes my back gets strained by too many things and its hard to know exactly how it is..

All these problems amount up to one hell of a stressful time explaining when i ought a have a good time.

If its not me then its somebody else who screws it up for me, so i am screwed no matter what.

Kinda makes me p**** off.

Yeah, I'm left out of the dating game too because of mental/physical problems. I'd think that a person who loved me wouldn't judge me on what happened to me, but who I am. It leads to the conclusion that no one loves me and according to my love they don't.
In order to communicate I need to be honest but I'm not supposed to be honest because the truth isnt fun. To be with someone I have to change, but it is not who I am and wouldnt get me what I want. My life went unresolved.