um. is this it?

alright i dunno what's wrong with me. but lately i think I'm going crazy. i don't want to tell anyone in case they think it's all for attention. or maybe it's this time of year (last year i had SI and went in a hospital. they kicked me out after a month with NO HELP!) i dunno. but i feel like there;s a volcano, tornado or hurricaine or something inside me. ripping apart my insides tearing my heart apart. I feel like i'm all alone. im so confused and scared. i sometimes talk to myself. like me talks to me. hold convo's with me. I feel very out of control. like i'm in a bus with no driver at 100 mph on a cliff. I am afraid to sleep. but afraid to stay awake. i know a schizo and i am afraid that when (if) i see someone they will scare me. either in talk or appearence. i am afraid to close my eyes because when i do disturbing images flash across my eyes. there.gone. like voodoo dolls that have creepy faces. and i almost think some time i WILL see someone there when they arent really. when im in bed at night and i think well. if they're there i might as well talk to them "hello." I feel like im in a glass dome where i can seeand hear but no one can see and hear me. i feel all alone and i am very scared. i know everyone hates me that i know including me. i am/was a self injuror starting to stop. and i sometimes think i am making this up. but how can i fool myself? how can i lie to me? especially when this is all so scary. i feel out of control like i need to run and never stop. i used to be extroverted but now i hate people and i'd rather be by myself. I get lost within myself sometimes. running through what makes me me. and i can't remember what's right and wrong anymore. it's scary. I am also getting angry over nothing lately. I never have gotten angry before. i say mean things that I don't really mean to people i used to care about. my best friend (sorta) that I used to trust more than anyone (happens to be an ex) said that I was nuts and needed some help. not in a pissy way but i think i scared him. btw i am only 16...


I dunno what's wrong and would love it if someone could e-mail me with what they think is wrong and how to fix myself. thanks email is needtodrive89@yahoo.com
or AIM sn is - shimmerytear

hi,

I'm sorry you have been going through all this

your symptoms could be caused by a number of different things. I'm not a doctor, so i cant actually diagnose you, but to me,It doesnt really sound like you have schizotypal PD. It sounds to me more like you could have psychotic depression. All the things you described: anger, wanting to be alone, seeing scary visions when you close your eyes,SI, talking to yourself, etc. Could all be caused by depression. That is, if these symptoms only occur when you are depressed. Do you feel that you want to be alone all the time even when you are feeling fine? maybe even when you are happy? Do you have those visions only when you are depressed or have recently been depressed?

But anyways, the only way to get a correct (or nearly correct) diagnosis, is to find a good doctor, and describe ALL of your symptoms to him/her.

Are you seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist right now? do they or your parents know about any of this?

By the way, my name's Becka. Im 18. I was first hospitalized when i was 16, for SI, and suicide ideation. This is also when my psychotic symptoms started getting worse.
I have schizophrenia. Been hospitalized 4 times, been in outpatient day treatment, therapy, all that crap. If you want to talk more, feel free to tell me anything you want. I'm here to listen and to help as much as i can.

-Becka

hey Becka, im 23 and i have schyzotypal, i went to see a psychiatrist once, for anxiety problems, i feel alone as i don't relate to any of my dates i gad in the past, and i think they didnt relate to my way of thinkin, so gettin in a relationship its hard for schyzotypals if i am right. i won't take any med cause they are basically anti-psychotics and i noticed i was being a vegetal so i drop the meds and eventually stop seeing DR's. i don't think ther's anythin wrong with me with the exception i can't find people to relate with and viceversa.
I'd like yo hear some advices on people who are in a relationship and have schyzotypal if they exists at all. would like to hear how u doing as well.

Bleeding now i'm
Crying out i'm
Falling down and i'm
Feeling nothing like
Laughing now i'm
Stopping now i'm
Reaching out and i'm
Feeling nothing

Yeah, you have created a rift within me
Now there have been several complications
That have left me feeling nothing
I might say, you were wrong to take it from me
Left me feeling nothing

Crawling now i'm
Beaten down i'm
Tortured now and i'm
Feeling nothing like
Hunting now i'm
Stalking now i'm
Reaching out and i'm
Killing nothing

I can feel you ripping and teaching
Feeding and growing inside of me
I want this, more than you know
I need this, give it back to me


-NUMB' by_Disturbed