too scared to go to a doctor..

I am writing here because I'm looking for people who I can relate to me, and maybe can help me I don't know.

I haven't been to a doctor or spoken to anyone about things that have been going on with me for years and years now... it's just getting to a point where I sometimes disturb myself, or am feeling so distressed with reality that I don't think I can deal with it anymore.

I know I should go to a doctor, but I have such a hard time speaking to other anyway, especially about things so personal that the thought just freaks me out.. but I know I need help because suicide has been a reoccuring thought of mine... I can't stop making up storylines in my head of me being hurt.. walking down the street fantasising being abducted by a serial killer or an evil person/non-human creature so that I can make friends with them and find their soft side, and they will not want to hurt me but fall in love with me and protect me.

I'm sorry if this is going to turn out long...

I want others to share worlds, dimensions, and perspectives with. but I just totally fail socially and am unable to speak properly to strangers in person. Online is so much better. I don't know what I would be diagnosed as if I do pluck up some courage to seek help, but after speaking with people online with different illnesses, I seem to most relate to those who are Avoidant or Schizotypal.

I have always had beliefs that others have found strange, and have lived in 'fantasy' worlds since I was a child, but they never went away as I grew older.. I indulged in them more and more and I have begun to hate reality, I don't like to get up in the morning because I want to keep dreaming, I yearn for another reality which I believe is hidden and coincides with the waking eye reality that the majority of us are plugged into.. I hope that one day it will reveal itself to me.. I'm pushed towards the knowledge that it might not be true as others say it's not, but how do they know I'm not right? I still hope, and always will, I just hope that I am right and I can't keep my thoughts away. I have lost the ability to interact with humans and I no longer feel like I am one, I feel like I am constantly evolving. I yearn to have relationships with people where we don't have to speak, where we can go and lie under the stars, who I can completely connect with and share the same worlds and dimensions with.. I just can't speak to people properly, nothing comes out right, I always feel so awkward and I am constantly analysing what other people are doing, their reactions to me, and then at the same time I am analysing myself... do I look interested? Does this person care what I am saying? I get all these things right but because I am so focused on these things I lose any ability to say anything... I'm often refered to by people as 'shy and ditzy'.. which I don't mean to be... and if I know the person well I end up babbling and they have no idea what I'm talking about most of the time and it just makes me feel even worse about myself.. I just try to stay away from other people's static interference now but it makes me sad... I am constantly searching for hours and hours everyday online for people like me who live in 'that other dimension' on top of this one.... I watched the film Heavenly Creatures and I cried so much because I want a friendship like that so bad.. it's such a beautiful film.

Since my dad died, I've always held the belief that I was never old enough for him to tell me that he knew of another world... it sounds absolutely ridiculous but I've always felt that I had some connection with the sea once his ashes were scattered there, that I may one day learn to control the tides and the waves... I love nothing more than being in the sea and have feel that if I am a descendant of elemental spirits then I would be water.

I have never been in love but I find the idea of love so beautiful... I have had relationships but they just aren't what I want them to be.. my ex's always turn round and say I want something perfect and perfect does exist... but if there is such a thing as infinity then surely anything and everything is possible? What I want isn't 'perfect'... I am attracted to people with flaws, unfortunately a lot of the people I am attracted to, good and bad, are all fictional... but they all have flaws... I don't know why I am even going on about all this crap... I'm just trying to give you some information, albeit a mere scratch on the surface of me.

Real life is just become so distressing to me... I have lost all my friends, I am going more and more into my other worlds, and am becoming unable to function in this one. I'm just so scared and just wish if there are other worlds and dimensions that they would just reveal themself and the magical creatures to me now because I need something to keep me here other than hope.

How on earth could I ever just book an appointment with my GP and just come out with all that?

Hi,

Are you still living with your parents? It was heartbreaking for me to read your post because I have been in your situation, (or at least in your frame of mine) before. You could easily go to a GP by the way, but you wouldn't have to talk much. You could easily just type out a message or printe this one off and hand it to him/her. He/she would understand, I can assure you. That's partly what I did when visiting my therapist.

You're in the Schizo. forum here, but have you ever heard of Asperger's Syndrome? i think that you might relate to it a bit more. Please let me know what you think, and don't be so hard on yourself. Life can be tough for some of us but you've made it this far, right?

Take care,
Kevin

Thankyou for your reply, it means a lot to know someone has taken time to read this.

I was living on my own last year but due to financial reasons I had to move back home, but I plan on moving out again as soon as I can find work... which is proving almost impossible as I seem to have got so much worse at interviews over the past year.

I have never looked into Asperger's syndrome much, but after just having a little research I don't think that it's me at all... I never take anything anyone says to me literally as I am always analysing endless possibilities what they could have meant instead of the words they spoke. I don't have difficulties spotting body language either as I also analyse that, the minute I clock that someone isn't interested in what I am saying or doesn't understand what I am saying I know it and I totally recoil... I hate routines and I hate repeating myself...

I honestly believe that Asperger's seems to be the total opposite of me, but I base that on what I have just researched in a few minutes... but I am obviously very curious as to why you think I might be able to relate to it as there may be something I have missed!!

Thankyou for replying it really means a lot!!!

Well, aren't you interesting?

Seeing a therapist isn't as bad as you think. It's actually a good way to get yourself grounded and back to reality. I'm sure the psy's have heard much worse from people.

Btw, I would consider myself a descendant of the elemental spirits of the air.

It was just a guess, to be honest. I suppose that the 'aloofness' of your life kind of reminded me of Asperger's. Never mind though- If you feel that it isnt' you, then that's fine with me. I love Xuridas' comment by the way... ...but I'm not so sure about his closing comment!