Some Self Diagnoses

sorry it's long, what are your opinions? some of this may need explanation?

I’ve come to believe that my cat is actually a past lover reincarnate (or harboring her soul / consciousness). I find it a sort of appealing fantasy, because of it’s melancholy nature of unrequited love.

I’ve found that when I use my right hand (my dominant hand) I feel one way, and that if I use my left I will feel completely different (say, for instance, while brushing my teeth). I also often wake up to find that I feel like a different person than I was yesterday. Looking in the mirror can also evoke strange unfamiliarity feelings.

Sometimes when I feel that other’s are watching me I lock up (my muscles) and seem to be tightened stuck, until I feel I am no longer within the scope of their attention (after they leave it goes away). I’ve also noticed sort of “ticks” during this state that I feel are very pronounced, but obviously must not be because no one has ever mentioned them. Also, my arms seem to pin to my sounds if I feel highly social anxious. The last two times I went to Hooter’s (my friends dragged me along), I spilled water “on accident.” In fact, it seems that I often am almost clumsy on purpose, making myself look inept?

I have the urge to find myself another eccentric / surreal person to be myself around, to get “lost” with.

I have this vague feeling of faraway things roiling inside of me, almost like another world/reality that might wash over this one if I did the right (or wrong) – it feels simultaneously good and bad.

I have fantasies of becoming some sort of savant/prodigy that is world renowned, but somehow losing my identity in the process, somehow disconnected from the world in which I originally wished to succeed?

I have had ideas of reference, believing in divine assurance/guidance from music, and other forms of writing/communication (ie. TV, Books, what gets brought up in conversation, etc.)

I have odd magical/superstitious beliefs that have been encouraged by my mother (she also believes in paranormal, occult, etc.). I had the fantasy during adolescence of being turned into a vampire/ taken in by an immortal group of people that were separate from the life I knew.

I’m not sure what is meant by bodily illusion. I have thought, after lying down for some time, that the arm lying on my chest was an extra, or someone else’s (this has been rare). I believe I talk and think strangely but I’m not sure how, I think I sometimes take it for granted that other people are following along with the dialogue in my head and therefore only truly say select words leaving the subject in tact, but the details blurry – as if I were a child using holophrases?

I’m very paranoid and never feel that I know other people’s motivations. Though not deeply sinister, I get the feeling that most other people are manipulators and I am being toyed with to some extent.

My affect is very minimal and I have sort of a poker face most of the time, especially in an emotional situation where I feel people will be looking for something about the way I feel about the situation (I don’t like other’s to know what I’m thinking or my opinions). When I do share my opinions people often seem to respect them and begin touting them themselves, I feel almost as if I may have the devils charm but don’t know that it’s there.

I don’t feel truly connected to anyone, which is unfortunate because I deeply wish to be (ideally with a lover). I have dreams about embracing girls (in a hug) and basically emotionally breaking down in their arms, these always have a strong feeling of sadness attached to them when I wake up (many times my dreams do not leave a lasting emotional effect once I wake).

I absolutely believe I am unattractive and sickly looking, but other’s assure me that I am good looking (I think they are avoiding the truth in order to make me feel better?). I recently had the surreal experience of getting ridiculously high at a concert (inadvertently) and finding that I was getting looks, like girls were attracted to me, this seemed to be impossible so I attributed it to the drugs? My relatives used to call me handsome when I was younger but I would cry over it like they were making fun of me or feel hurt that they were patronizing me, and I would also get upset/cry if they brought up girls, etc.

I have never had a romantic relationship. For me it feels like there is no grey area between passion and coldness, for me the world often consists of black and whites. I have trouble touching or being touched by others. I am highly sensitive to other people and often prefer to be alone because I feel overwhelmed around people.

I have compulsive habits and patterns of grooming / stretching; I always bathe and dry off the same way (I worked out the efficiency of it in my head). I also sometimes count to ten on my fingernails, moving my index or thumb over another nail in an asterisk sort of pattern, sort of like a balanced compass, only with ten points (I would do the four directions first, then fill in the gaps. * . This seemed very odd to me. I like to sort things sometimes (sorting / cleaning makes me manic if I feel motivated to start).

I pace excessively (especially when on the phone). People tell me I have a signature gait that is bouncy / widely spaced?

I have trouble looking people in the eyes.

I feel I have many characteristics of avoidant personality disorder.

Hey,

I was interested in everything you wrote because much of it relates to me; especially the paranoia, failure to make eye-contact, feeling of being ugly, outer-body experiences, 'dreamer' attitude, OCD behaviour, etc.

I found out about a year ago that all of my symptoms pointed to Asperger's Syndrome. This shares some characteristics with Avoidant Personality Disorder which you mentioned. I think you'd be interested in taking a look at the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome:


http://psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=13388&start=0


Kevin.

"Problems with sequencing tasks, such that preparing to go out can be difficult." - yeah, I'm extremely bad about this if friends pop in on me and expect me to go do something.

I also have looked into Asperger's and I feel it fits me quite a bit as well, it's just hard to know how well you fit the archetype without someone telling you that you do. I'm always concerned about a confirmation bias.

Well, all of these mental illnesses kind of 'blend' into each other. I mean, symptoms overlap everywhere and it'd be difficult to say with 100% accuracy what illness a person has. It's best instead to answer this question: Which mental illness describes you best? For me, the answer so far has proved to be Asperger's. So, I stick with that type of community and it's working out ok.


Kevin.