I got the news yesterday...

I've read a lot of stories where patients and families were absolutely appalled and frightened by the diagnosis of schizophrenia. To me, it was a relief to finally have an answer after twenty-eight years of trying every different medication out there and still coming up as bad off, sometimes worse than where I'd started. Throughout my lifetime I've been diagnosed with ADD, Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, and True Bipolar. The True Bipolar I thought was the answer. I had a manic episode in 2011 that lead me to jump naked into a fake waterfall at my job and landed me with a police escort to a hospital downstate where I spent a month finding subliminal messages in everything I heard. I filled a 500 page journal in just a matter of a few days. There were so many thoughts it was the only way I'd remember anything. Since then, I've been tempted to burn the damned thing because it's so embarrassing.
Because of the bipolar, I was placed on an antipsychotic called Seroquel. I loved it. I slept so well, and I was relaxed. In February of this year I slipped into catatonia, wound up in the hospital again, and ended up having to give up the job I'd loved for six years and submitted to Social Security Disability. I'd been in and out of hospitals pretty much yearly for the last decade, so it only took three months for me to get it which was nice because I was relying solely on my dad and boyfriend for financial support and I hated it...I'm too independent for that. Another reason I'm glad my boyfriend is messy...it keeps me busy. But being unemployed means being uninsured. Seroquel is $400 a month. So is Zyprexa. My doctor failed to tell me there were any other antipsychotics out there I could take so I just waited without them. After a month or so, I'd stopped talking almost completely. I found a reason to tell everyone I knew off so I could isolate in my house. I stopped drawing, singing, writing...self mutilation was at an all-time high. I couldn't sleep without taking nearly an entire box of Benadryl at night. From what I'd been told, I thought I was just manic...but usually manic comes with an extreme happy. I certainly wasn't anywhere near happy. In fact, I'd never been so adamant that death was the answer. I felt I had nothing left. It was just me...and "them."
If "they" were nice...maybe I could deal with things a little better. But it's wearing on me to hear how ugly I am every time I pass a mirror. To have conflicts with my boyfriend because they're constantly convincing me his intentions are bad when I know that he's been the one who's stuck by me through thick and thin for two years now and seems to want to be there for me for a long time. They even had me convinced a couple days ago that my cat hated my guts. He's a kitten! He's going to bite things!
And the nights! Oh the nights are the worst. Once it's dark out and I'm tired, it's like my senses are in overdrive. Every little noise I hear makes my heart race to the point I can't rest. I needed a nap so bad yesterday and couldn't take one. Once my boyfriend got home, he laid down next to me until I fell asleep. That's another thing I find sort of ironic. I don't full on hallucinate that often, but my mom used to. We always thought it was her medications, but I don't think it was. She, like me, had to sleep with a fan on no matter what time of year it was. It does help drown out those little pindrop noises that make the hair stand up on the back of my neck. And I remember that her computer was right on the other side of the wall from her bedroom and she slept better when I was up all night on it. She obsessive compulsively checked the locks just like I do. If I had thirty locks on my door I think I'd still freak out. Paranoid logic tells me it doesn't matter how many locks you have on your door if your intruder has a chainsaw. Hope that doesn't freak anyone out...I'd feel terrible.
I apologize for my babbling...it's hard to stick to one thought. I do have a question though. My doctor put me on Tegretol. I haven't read ANYTHING about that being used as an antipsychotic. In fact, the one thing I did find was that it was causing schizophrenia in 9% of its patients. Should I genuinely be concerned, or is this just me talking myself out of taking something again?

I think it's really crappy there are so many views on my posts but no replies. This is a forum, not the morning newspaper. I think I'm gonna check out. I was looking to feel a little less alone, but I'm more lonely now than when I started.

Hey batmeal333,

Sorry you haven't had ne replies. Not exactly sure why but you're not the only one it is happening to at the moment. It just keeps gettin worse... 28 years to find yer home only to find out nobody wants to talk to you. No not really.... I think there is a full moon actually.

I hope you have gotten on some good meds. I think anti-psychotic meds are extremley important, especially for those who have racing cars as engines, as it promotes sleep. Maybe with their help you could get back into the workforce.

I am pretty sure Tegratol is used like lithium, to be a mood stablilizer for Bipolar. Do you think maybe they think you are schizoaffective? Tegratol isn't an anti-psychotic.

Just thought I would respond so there wouldn't be another view without a response. As for me, I have been looking at posts because I'm just trying to find more info on different aspects to Schizophrenia because I have recently thought my daughter is getting Schizophrenia. So in other words don't take it to personal because I think there are a lot of different people on here with different problems and inquiring about different things. Just know you might be helping someone else with your post - just by them reading it and not responding. As for your news I'm really glad you finally have an answer. That's awesome! I hope the best for you and God Bless.