Work experience

Hello.
Id like to share few events from my life hope one will be familiar with the lines or will not.
it's been 2 years now that i had my first psychotic episode. And since that i just been at home serving every possible symtome. I would wake drink large quantities of coffee, smoke and just walk inside the house aimlessly. Meet nobody for weeks and indulge in mystical literature to a critical point where those 'ideas' simply ruled my behaviour mainly as a result of reading and the symptoms. Emotions, feelings are reduced to the simplicity of mainly only having anxiety as a proper emotion and irrational smiles when it is realised how it is.
Blaming medication for these states. Quitting then resuming. this cycle is extremelly typical.
Belief in methods, in every available method that announces mental welfare, doing excercises hopelessly in hope of a little improvement in anything finally realising it was only another opportunity for the symptomes to take over the mind.
However after the disappointment in these methods and naive hopes disillusion comes naturally but at this point the emotion of sadness is nonexistent.
Nobody knows where it came and i know its not under my control. no feeling is. when one is anxious one can believe it is controlled until reality truly shows itself.

And somehow out of nowhere i start with the idea of getting a job.
The first days have been completely paranoid.
Paranoia so deep.
I was thinking i got everything in the wrong order I believed people would constantly ridicule me behind my back. I was hearing my own name when somebody was speaking.
The idea that there would be people coming to assassinate me. the thought of escaping.
All this apparently increased the need for nicotine and caffeine.
Still however fulfilling a task temporarly takes away the negativistic thought. evidently for there is no place for a thought to be when in concentration.
Thoughts come and thoughts go away as well to be replaced by another thought that plays a more fascinating role.

So well this is it for now I will post someday again when being in a posting-mood when self-expressing reaches an unbearable form.