Mark: A Killer or Messiah?

For many years now, I have been blessed with visions of Mark. To make it short and simple, Mark is a serial killer. But I believe him to be a savior of some kind.
From the time I was ten, I have witnessed his killings inside of my head. I've heard the screams of his victims and have stared into their eyes as life slowly dissipated.
At times, this is very unsettling to me. Especially since the arrival of these "newer" voices. They've infrequently plagued me in the past, but now it's getting to the point where they consistently torment me.
When I'm eating, they continuously say that I'm being poisoned or I'm becoming fat and I shouldn't eat. "They're poisoning you. Don't eat that! You'll get sick." "You're getting fat. Look at yourself!"
These voices also try to impersonate Mark and tell me that I need to hurt myself (cut) or kill myself. "Do it! Do it! Do it now!"
The year prior, I heard voices from God telling me to end it so I could be with him. I took a razor blade to school and went inside one of the stalls and began to slice my arm open. I was immediately sent to the psychiatric hospital where I stayed for two months.
These voices also tell me that people are trying to kill me. Everytime I'm at a restaurant, in the grocery store, or out in publice, the voices tell me that people are trying to rape and kill me. I feel as if everyone is staring at me and watching me and it gets even worse at night.
I believe people to be in my room. Sometimes I hallucinate and see bugs crawling all over me and believe they have crawled inside my head.
As for Mark, he tries to soothe me. He is the only thing keeping me functioning and alive. He promises me that we will be together soon in the realm of God. I believe him to be Christ, sent from God to save me from this dream state. In the meantime, I just wait until the sign comes and I know excactly what to do when it does.
I've only been diagnosed with clinical depression and PTSD, but I truly believe there is something else wrong with me. And even though I love Mark, I need to know what's going on inside of my head.
Am I sick? Am I crazy? Do I have Schizophrenia?... Or am I just blessed?
Please comment. Thank you.
-Rose

historical accounts are recorded by "the victor".

if history is meant to be assessed merely on the words of "the victors" left before us (also suggesting that we are all the results of these victors and the conquered be no longer), would we not be left with a skewed assessment of prior events?

if it is merely words we ought to accept as legitimate (well in the first place why must we accept them as legitimate?), does this not leave us open to be taken advantage of?

in historical events of genocide, why is it that sometimes some people accept them as literal occurances, while some other people accept them as propoganda? more on this in a moment.

let us disregard for a moment assessing events based on the testimony of others. if events are meant to be assessed merely on the witnessing done with our own two eyes (also suggesting that each generation of creatures would essentially be learning the same lessons the hard way as their ancestors had), would history itself not be irrelevant to us? not only would this leave us with conclusions such as "the holocaust never happened", but it would leave us to completely disregard the lessons learned by those not indefinitely amid our presence with us.

if the acceptance of either [nothing more than] words as being legitimate (regardless of their legitimacy), or our own witnessing (open to misinterpretation) as being legitimate, if this acceptance is our only tool for grasping events, would anyone even bother discussing events with people?

for example, the witness (this being the only tool for accepting an event) is defeated immediately among his peers (for they do not accept words as being legitimate either), and the writer/speaker (this being the only tol for accepting an event) is defeated immediately among his peers (for everyone would essentially paint themselves as titans and he would not gain the edge he sought for).

would it not do right to rather assess history based on the merits of its resonance (the merits of the writer along with the merits of the witness of the lack of misinterpretation) and even the existence of the resonance itself?

now if one were to regard the accounts of history (the accounts written by a witness with some help of an interpreter) as legitimate [enough] to at the very least accept that one merely walked the earth, how could it also be that the rest of the written testimony is not regarded as legitimate (and also sought to be discredited)? does it not do us good to regard something as legitimate based on the resonance fields it creates?

how terrible for you is your self-incrimination! (is it not even worse for a child to call their loving father a liar (as his children hear him calling)? lucky you!)

Hey Rose,

So Mark is both Christ and a serial killer? I never paid much attention in church but none of the stories I recall about jesus ever involved him racking up a body count

Sorry, I probably shouldn’t poke fun; just trying to lighten the mood.

But seriously, I empathize; this has obviously caused you distress and confusion. I’m certainly not qualified in any way to say what you have but you wanted comments so here goes.

What you describe doesn’t seem to fit into the broad categories for PTSD (re-experiencing the traumatic event, avoiding reminders of the trauma, increased anxiety and emotional arousal) or depression. My understanding is you don’t have schizophrenia if your delusions and hallucinations co-exist with depression, that would probably make it schizoaffective disorder. Or maybe it's something like major depressive disorder with psychotic features…. or psychotic depression...or something else entirely…. I learn a new diagnosis every day here on the forums. Also, many people seem to have their diagnosis changed over time, I guess either because their symptoms changed or the diagnosis wasn’t correct to begin with.

Are you getting help currently? It seems a lot of folks get help but then don’t fully disclose what is going on to their doc. If you don’t already have someone good, and that you can trust, find someone and get a current diagnosis with your current symptoms.

Oh, and it definitely doesn't seem like a blessing; There's too much bad with the good. Good luck.