Genius or Psychotic? Identity Crisis

Hi all,

So I recently have run into a huge predicament in regards to opposing opinions of doctors and my own conception of reality. I have a very rare genetic disease called Wilson's Disease that induces psychosis in 1/4 people with the disease. It affects about 1 in 40,000 people, and I was psychotic with noone knowing for 4.5 years...

I guess I'll start by saying I think this rare disease has altered my brain in a way that allows a lot of information to enter my senses giving me the ability to reach very high transcendental states, such as those achieved by experienced meditators, without trying very hard. Additionally, I believe I can "read people" very well because of the high volume of unconscious ques I perceive that others may miss. Another thing is I think I may be a genius in the area of metaphysics.

And now the predicament...

My psychologist I had for three years during college, whom I became quite close with, supports all of the above notions. I have shown him theories that I have drawn out and created regarding some very complex issues and spoke alot about my extreme transcendental experiences as well as my ability to "read people" very well. He actually went so far as to call them "perceptual powers" as some kind of the effect of my rare disease on my brain; and he in fact insisted the validity of the above claims before I even mentioned them.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist once a month for three years (big wig in New York City)and yesterday I asked him to be blunt and tell me what he thinks about my ideas about having an altered brain as well as "perceptual powers", and a high intelligence. His response was that he believes I have a chronic psychosis that creates grandiose notions and that while some of what I described may be true, he thinks the majority is nothing but a delusion.

This leaves me in an incredibly rough spot, trusting a big shot psychiatrist in NYC or a good psychologist in a college town. I've been trying to shut out all of the things my psychiatrist says are fake but I can't; I feel like I'm shutting down a part of myself. When I try to dismiss what he says I feel myself losing touch with reality a bit. This whole thing has thrown me into something of an identity crisis and after years of gaining trust in my own judgements it is beginning to crumble because of what this doctor thinks.

What do you think? Can there be a middle ground? Is it possible both doctors are right? Even the one supporting ideas that may come across as grandiose?

Thank you so much,

JakeOwel

Hi Jake Owel,

I'm so sorry you haven't received a response yet. Unfortunately, some forums are more active than others.
How are you doing?
I can definitely understand why you feel so confused; and I think the most important thing to remember is that while these doctors may be highly qualified people, they are still just that...people. Rather than dwelling on their conflicting perspectives, maybe ask yourself how well your life, your interactions with others, either matches or clashes with what you've been told.

Can there be a middle ground? Is it possible both doctors are right?

Absolutely.
I think the truth often lies somewhere in the grey.

Well wishes,

Evol

I have expereinced the same thing. It used to feel like I can read peoples souls just by looking at them. It felt so real, a part of my personality even. Now since I started taking medication, that feeling has subsided which leads me to believe it was a delusion. Makes me think, what else am I delusional about right now that I don't know about?

Thanks so much for your responses! I agree the answer lies somewhere in the grey. Motowater, was there any truth to your ability to "see peoples souls" ? Can you describe what you saw when you looked at someone? That is similar to what I feel I see and like you said it feels very real.

I actually think most of what you describe is not so much about intellect but emotions/heart etc. Kind of like the opposite of golf where people think it is muscle to hit a ball far but it is 90 percent mental. If you had an increase in intellect, which is entirely possible, then prove it in some of the many competitive games like chess, poker etc or one you think you will be good at and enjoy. Sure... part of the brain could increase when another part dies off but without knowing much about the situation I would be looking at the fact that through illness another side or part of you can become more dominant... as in yer emotions. It may be something that was always there but discarded for the use of yer brain.

I see the identity crises there though. Both vastly different extremes... praise and abuse.

Rattatat wrote:I actually think most of what you describe is not so much about intellect but emotions/heart etc. Kind of like the opposite of golf where people think it is muscle to hit a ball far but it is 90 percent mental. If you had an increase in intellect, which is entirely possible, then prove it in some of the many competitive games like chess, poker etc or one you think you will be good at and enjoy. Sure... part of the brain could increase when another part dies off but without knowing much about the situation I would be looking at the fact that through illness another side or part of you can become more dominant... as in yer emotions. It may be something that was always there but discarded for the use of yer brain.

I see the identity crises there though. Both vastly different extremes... praise and abuse.

Hi rattatat, i agree with you. Facts and fiction should be scrapped. It should become fixion, where fixes for traffic flow etc could become less fixated by fixed anchor references making life difficult for any fix attempts to help ease the sensory flow. I agree our personal versions should be focused on cultural standard laps like base ball statistics, golf handicaps, poker scores, arts and crafts and music skills, and any cultural references that had clear common language statistical yardsticks.
Anything else should then be seen as part of a recycling peleton that needed dud palindrome defusing of ambiguous grey area triggers. Like completing an ongoing sudoko puzzle by using cultural statistics and then filling the rest in with placebo dud relays that accepted everything gains majority license to dud over personal gain guesses at fixed anchors license to kill. It could help in trying to find the right battery to gear spread bet guesses, so power to weight pack peleton, recycling traffic, pile on, pylon mood music could appreciate its potential better.

Jake Owel wrote: Motowater, was there any truth to your ability to "see peoples souls" ? Can you describe what you saw when you looked at someone? That is similar to what I feel I see and like you said it feels very real.

I'm curious, too.
What does a person's soul look like? Such an intriguing statement.
I do believe we all share a connection, a sort of collective consciousness.

Genius or Psychotic you say. How about Genius and Psychotic. Drop the "or." It is the same.

To help your (our) identity crises, it may be helpful to look at your Psychologist and Psychiatrist in a different way. Have they (your professionals) ever experienced psychosis? If not, how can they explain to you what it is? Its the difference between reading how a vanilla ice cream cone tastes, and real-ly eating an ice cream cone and experiencing the taste and texture.

Its the difference between reading about China, and having actually been there.
Its the difference between reading about the military, and having actually been in the military.

You value these people's opinion on what is real and what isn't. In other words you value their knowledge. If I were you I would make sure their knowledge is based on "having been there" instead of "having read about" in regards to the experience of Psychosis.

If I claim to know something, then I am only legitimate if I have experienced what I claim to know. Otherwise my claim is based on a different person's experience.

It is my experience that Psychosis is seeing meaning where others see coincidence. In other words, nothing is an accident, and everything happens for a reason. Its seeing a pattern. Its not an illness.

Best of "luck" to you Jake Owel.

Jake Owel wrote:...Additionally, I believe I can "read people" very well because of the high volume of unconscious ques I perceive that others may miss...

motowater wrote:...It used to feel like I can read peoples souls just by looking at them...

hello jake owel, your implications of "identity" touch base on the idea that identity is the foundation of our ego. what happens when a collosal structure's foundation crumbles is miniscule when compared to the results of the crumbling of the foundation of ego. memory i think is just a node of identity, but to me memory shatters my mind when i even think about it.

of course, the body is independent of the mind (where identity is formed) though still within the mind's grasp.

the shattering of ego (whether based on misunderstood merit (being done intentionally deceptively) such as being prescribed by your doctor, or based on consequence of experience (smelting)) i have no advice besides hanging on for your dear life and knowing that eventually you will "come to" through the womb again.

it is written that god knows the hearts and minds of man. now, is this suggesting something along the lines of a programmer knowing the ins and outs of his program, or is this suggesting the knowledge based on an immediate understanding by merely looking at it? i tend toward the notion of a combination of the two and maybe more (especially since programs get them pesky bugs in them and only found out about them through testing). as it is also written that man was created in god's image, we can speculate that this discusses his character traits (we read that god also has what we deem negative character traits (such as jealousy and anger etcetcetc...) but when you look at things more, they are negative only when the traits are out of balance with the rest (i will not offer a crude example here as my words are not succinct this day)), his character traits along with "properties" such as wisdom and understanding.

i cannot say for sure if we share the same experience of "reading people's souls", but the way i can describe it would be to picture oneself in the midst of an ego rebirth (where anxiety and nervousness and fear are rampant), where their skin hides not their muscles, bones, tendons, ligaments, organs (where mind, body, spirit are on display for all to see...), where no social tactics can rob anyone of their sight (deception and lying), where no attempts at clothing can be successful...

being that we're programmed socially, depending on the witness' heart they will either hold it for/against you that your skin has melted off and act accordingly.

yes, this is none other than adam and eve and the fig leaf. now instead of "you" being laid bare for all to see, it is other people you see laid bare (if your ego is crumbling, include yourself in this.) you can "see the hearts and minds of men" and the word "see" is just a symbol of knowing and understanding, of using not just the sense of sight but rather melding the mind (ego/knowledge) body (emotions/senses) spirit (understanding - as love/hate is derived from understanding/misunderstanding).

i'm not entirely satisfied with this description as this itself is not tangible, but the connection of the three facets of our existence is frighteningly intense.

in regards to the thread title, i think that "meaning" correlates with the mindset of the brain. but really, think about it, how often have you cursed meaning when ya feel like junk...i think it's an ok gauge of mindset. meaning certainly exists, but takes second fiddle when the brain senses it's in need of maintenance (i don't think animals grasp the concept of meaning as it's not imperative to existence and survival - as everything in the universe is, things operate on the parameters imposed onto them.).

i can't answer if you're genius or psychotic joel owel, but i'll use me as an example in that if you start feeling your brain turn to mush then it is time to address the maintenance log (especially since "meaning" tends to overload circuits at least for me they do).

Hi All,

Thanks so much for your answers and support, it is deeply appreciated. All good advice and its always great to get different perspectives.

As an update I spoke to my therapist (the one who believes I have the special capabilities) and he seemed quite certain he is right. I trust his opinion over my psychiatrists because he understands me and has seen me progress for three critical years of my life, and is just a good doctor.

I have decided, however, to just live life and not try to suppress feelings that one doctor may say are psychotic while another disagrees but rather just experience the world as I experience it. After all I am the only one who does and will experience the world from my perspective, and if I am happy and fulfilled it doesn't matter what labels I attach to anything. Still the question is burning in my mind as the last poster pointed out a possible crumbling of the foundations of the ego is frightening. Personally I think it is even more frightening to have gifts and not make use of them! I have a very rare disease that causes psychosis that effects 1 in 40,000 people and of those people only 1 in 15 have psychosis as the primary feature. I don't think any doctor can say with 100% certainty one way or the other because all together im 1 in 600,000!!

Further thoughts and comments are appreciated I too think psychosis is just a different way of interpreting the world and gives us insight into things others would never even give a second thought to.

Thanks again!

JakeOwel