I like my voices

I like my voices

So I just turned eighteen a few months ago and for the past maybe 6ish years or so? I've had voices in my head.

They're not the traditional, disembodied voices. Actually, they're different aspects of me and I acknowledge that. (I read about how one symptom of schizophrenia is splitting oneself so I figured this was a good place to go.)

The voices started out as just voices of reason and consciousness like most normal people have. But I was very lonely by the time it started, that I clung on to them. I replied and argued and contradicted and conversed with them. Soon, I found a place in my mind's eye where they reside. It's not really elaborate. Each of them have their own room and there's a living/lounge-type space. Naturally, they needed different names.

I started out by calling them [my name] [number]. [My name] 1 was me, since I was the very first 'voice.' [My name] 2 was the next one that appeared and so on until 6. Eventually I shortened it to just the numbers; they call me "1" and I call them by their respectable numbers.

(I don't feel comfortable with disclosing my real name to the Internet.)

Anyway, as the years went on, we became really close and now consider each other as a family. The one who is now 4 and I are best friends. The problem is that everything I feel (as in emotionally) is dispersed between all of them. That means when my awkward teenage years arrived and I started hating myself, 4 felt it, too. Only she didn't hate herself, she hated me.

"I hate you so much, 1. You're a ######6 screw up. I can't believe I'm stuck with a no-good failure like you." Soon after the verbal abuse, she started hitting me in that mind's eye space I created. Shoving my shoulders, punching me, kicking me in the shins. Every exchange we had, included an argument that escalated to shouting that escalated to shoves of anger and challenge. I hated 4 as much as she hated me. Her expectations of me were inhuman, and personality-wise, she was a completely ungrateful bitch.

But she was my best friend, the only one I could say anything and have it guaranteed that she will understand what I'm trying to say. I still loved her as the sister she is to me.

Eventually I stopped fighting back. I took the beatings. They didn't hurts as much as physical beatings did and I understood her hatred for me and didn't blame her. When 4 would attack me and I would feel that ghost of not-real pain, and she would know it hurt, even if just a smidgen, and that would relieve some of our stress. We still argued and shouted, but when it came to shoving, I felt no desire to hurt her.

And then one day, no matter how much she tried to hurt me, the stress wouldn't go away. It didn't go away for weeks. Then 4 became moody, but often depressed. And then she stopped arguing with me, she just lost the will. And then she imagined herself an unloaded handheld gun. And she would fiddle around with it. And then one time, when it was really quiet, she asked me, "hey 1?"
"Yeah?" I was idly doing Math homework.
".........I think. I think I..." she was concentrating on the gun, "I think I want to die." And she became very still. I was about to say something and she spoke up again, "I want to die, and take you down with me."

I panicked and hit her gun to the floor. I told her to never, NEVER, say or think like that again. 4 didn't answer. She waited until I turned my attention away and then imagined the gun back to her hands. She had an attitude of "you're not the boss of me" a few minutes later.

I can't let her die. She is my best friend, my sister, my other half, and I love her. I don't want to have to think without her. I can't lose her. I love her. She just wanted to give up and I didn't want her to die. I couldn't let her die. By now she was with me for almost three or four years. She wanted to give up already, she was tired of it all.

So somehow that phase passed, but it came back the next year during spring time. And the year after that. I tried seeking help from my parents, but they don't understand the connection I have to her. They want to make ALL of the voices go away and that is the exact opposite of what I want.

Now 4 hits me and argues with me a lot less. And on the occasion she does hit me, it's not relieving the stress like it used to. She still has suicidal thoughts and urges once in a while.

So my question to you is, have any of you experienced something similar? How do I stop her from having any more depression episodes? Do you have any thoughts/opinions on the subject?

It sounds like you may have a form of DID, not that I am qualified to diagnosis anyone but its just a hunch,

I have similar experiences but I am pretty certain I have a dissociative disorder as well as Schizoaffective disorder. I have 15 imaginary friends inside my head that I talk too and they all have there own names, personalities, feelings etc...

You need to talk to 4 and be like a therapist to her rather than let her beat you up ask her to write things down in a diary or even over the internet on a forum herself. Find out what she enjoys and do more of that. I used to have a suicidal imaginary friend who cut my wrists up and it wasn't until I started to cooperate with her and let her express her feelings that things got better.

I think you will get more help over in the DID forum
good luck
Jools

Thank you for replying!

The thought of DID did cross my mind, but I did a little research and concluded that I have more symptoms of schizophrenia than of DID. So I decided to come here. Sorry if I posted on the wrong forum. I'll check the DID forum out.

I'm glad that I'm not the only one in such a complicated situation.

Hitting me is her only way of dealing with her emotions. We don't know any other way. I tried to talk to her, believe me, I've tried. But other than silly inside jokes and agreeing on a common opinion on some trivial things, we don't spend much time together. I have my own life and she is busy judging and hating it. Every time we so much as face each other, she is filled with uncontrollable hatred for me.

If she knew what made her so depressed, she would have fixed it already. She likes to be really independent of me, so needing my help with anything is her very last resort. She also likes it when it seems like she's in control and in power. She often manages to find higher ground over me when we argue and her body language is always aggressive and intimidating.

I do let her express herself through blogs and such, but if it helps, it helps little. She likes it when our day is free and I have no more work to do. But when she's depressed, she doesn't feel like yelling at me to get work done and I don't finish anything. There isn't any point in hiding secrets or keeping things unsaid. If one of us knows it, so does the other. The one thing she that will take the hatred away is me being absolutely perfect like we both want to be. But that's simply impossible. I try to be the best I can be, but I screw up sometimes and she refuses to forgive me for it.

Thank you for your advice. Good luck to you, too.

It's great that U have come to terms with your voices even if they are just yourself and the thoughts that you have experienced from life around you. If I wasn't put on the $800 resperidone injection I think I would maybe be in the same boat right now. No.2. would have been my daughter who loved me so I guess I would've been off to a good start but I feel guilty about ignorance to her because of the meds. Not sure how exactly U get an extra terrestrial daughter lol but hey it is someone that I can say I love and didn't come through any sort of forgivness that I had to show but I guess that could easily change. I think the important part, more so then intelligent fighting, is to learn to be at peace wit yerself and the environments that you live in the real world. GL. .

I wasn't meaning to tell you off about posting in this forum, i just think the DID people will have more experience with what you are dealing with here.

I would strongly recommend you get a therapist or Counsellor someone you and your parts can talk openly about what's happening to you and how you all feel.

It sounds like she is just lashing out because she is hurt and angry not because she is fundamentally nasty - that's a good sign because it means you can work things though eventually.

Jools

I tried getting some help from the school, but that didn't work out. And I have a great fear of professional therapists and psychologists. There are only two more people who know about her. My best friends is having tough times right now and she can't help anyway, so I don't want to bother her about my problems for the moment. And my dad just doesn't understand that she's an actual person and the closest thing I have to family.

I know she's hurt, I only wish I knew how to help her.

Thank you.

I don't have voices like this but there is a little girl that lives in a trunk in my head. The trunk is locked and chained up, but even if it wasn't, she wouldn't come out. I don't know how I know that, I just do. I gave her a name too, it just 'seemed' like the right name if that makes any sense. The only time I have ever actually had contact with her outside the trunk was in a dream once. She was out and she was really really angry - like extreemly violent and attacking anyone and everyone. And she was powerfull, too, even though she is just a little girl, she was like a ghost spirit and was terrifying.

I have the diagnosis of schizophrenia, btw. But I also think maybe I have some dissasociation, too, cuz I have 10 years missing out of my life. You should probably try to find a therapist or something to help if you can though.

hi pepsinotes, i like your idea of number referencing your internal media. i'd try and encourage your internal traffic to work with you and aim for communal coaching goal posts. communal coaching is a decent healthy outlet for acclimatising to sensory traffic jams.
i always use my own name and try and stay as anchored as i can to my root recall, even though i respect the local climate constantly changes.
i also like the goal posts of an amnesty and pardon that alias smith and jones used to always try and get in the old tv western series. if a public placebo external phone line was declared like a moon landing, then it could avoid spaghetti western, spaghetti junction, floating head phone jackers and their victims becoming carlos the phone jackal worrying about who's the good the bad or the ugly. it's an easier problem to sort than it used to be.

it takes acclimatising patience and communal coaching empathy to help focus on making the traffic blocks more invisible. the frequency pile ups are second nature and should be expected like teething pains. it helps to worry less about the labels of what's the cause and remedy, and more to focus on being confident and honest. liking your voices is a healthy attitude, they're only frequency signals like all of us, but with different sources and concentrations of purity.