Hi Psych Forums heres my story I need Advice

HI everyone my names isaiah. I've been lurking a while and the more i read the more i can relate to a lot of you.right now I'm 24 and I read that peak onset for schizophrenia is 19-26 for men. When I talk my train of thought jumps and spins out of control. People look at me like they are reading what i'm thinking. 24 years old and as it seems my problems have been compounding over the years. I feel like i'm in another reality. Especially lately in the last 6 months i've been hospitalized 6 days.

While i was being hospitalized for what i feel like is a spell of "being disconnected from reality" EVERYONE was out to kill me. I had hallucinations i literally heard the cops transporting me say they are taking me out to the forest to shoot me. people with cups or cellphones suddenly had knives in there hand instead. It felt like i was on stage being judged of everything i said and did and if I made a mistake they would knife me. I was so disconnected from reality there was an fbi agent who wanted to ask me about the cops who were going to kill me. I remember him saying to me "here is a test, if you grab my pen out of my shirt your free to go". So I grab his pen and he slams me into the ground and I get injected with three needles. I kept waiting to feel tired but whatever they gave me didn't phase me. While i was in the hospital a doctor talked to me about everything that had happened. She said theres several different types of schizophrenia and i'm probably paranoid schizophrenic

The good news is i'm out of the hospital and pretty stable.I found a great doctor only 3 miles from where I live. I've been able to confide in her about everything. She keeps wanting to switch me from my zyprexa 15mg to thorazine an older medication. I've already tried risperdal. The thing is I like my zyprexa. Dont the older antipsychotic medications have a lot of side effects? Whats this thorazine shuffle can someone explain it to me? The thing is zyprexa hasn't completely knocked out the hallucinations that seem so real at the time. People will be laying in the intersection when i'm driving. I always think are they dead? Do they need help? But then cars just pass right through them without stopping.

I can change words on the projector at church but it scares me because they mostly change to "kill you" "die now" . Theres shadows in the corners of my eyes that sometimes whisper"your worthless.. you'll never amount to anything your fat you deserve to die with everyone else"

I see spiders a lot especially inside cups of water or something clear like sprite. When i'm sitting on my computer there has been 2 rainbow colored tarantulas crawl out of my screen at me. I'm deathly afraid of spiders Obviously my zyprexa isn't working completely but I feel like it helps keep me connected to reality. I remember I would do anything when i was in my psychosis even vandalize and burn my parents house down. I even made plans to escape and fly to another state. I slandered a lot of people on facebook. I was so not myself It's like i was drunk without any boundaries. I felt sure of everything I did at the time. Is this part of schizophrenia?

When i was homeless for 2 weeks living in a cheap hotel I'd watch tv. Say the weather is on but they aren't talking about the weather no they are speaking directly to me talking about my life. When the tv starts talking about me or to me I have to shut it off. That kind of thing scares me.

I'm curious to see if thorazine will control all the crazy hallucinations i see. I've learned a coping mechanism already touch things out of the ordinary and see if your hand goes right through it. Then you know if it's real or not like pinching yourself in a dream.

I can't seem to strike a balance where i can be confortable around anyone I'm confortable opening up to all you lovely schizophrenics out there because I love this site and this is an internet forum. I have no reprocussions or what I say here. Where as i have ruined my life multiple times telling people what really goes on in my brain. so psych forums please hepl me.

Hello,

you seem to have an advanced type of schizophrenia. please try to rub off all the delusional aspects of it because you should be fine over time. i was reading about john nash, and he thought a bunch of stuff similar to you. he even fled to europe for a while. i would recommend clozapine more from what ive heard about it over thorazine. john nash was taking thorazine, and it did kind of make him better untill he got off it. im not sure exactly what the difference is between thorazine and clozapine, but it seems like your psych simply wants to tranquilize you. clozapine is newer, has a better side effect profile, is atypical instead of typical and is clinically more effective. you should probably also take a benzodiazepine so you can rest.

i dont know where all these anger issues are stemming from, but maybe talking to a brilliant psychologist for a couple of months can get to the root of the problem. im sorry that there isnt much research done on immediate problems like this as the systematic approach is archaic. once your brain stabalizes towards rationality, then it would be good to try to think of these sorts of things. on the other hand it might just be strictly biological having no real substantial cause.

but yeah, i think youre going to want to take clozapine instead of thorazine. if you have insurance, you should also take some brain scans and talk to a neurologist who can see what is wrong with your brain.

dont worry about what happened since that part is over. just make sure you take care of yourself. maybe try to clozapine for several months, and then you could switch to a lighter medication. try to rebuild your personality into "favorable", and let the bad thoughts pass by. you also probably need an antidepressant, as that could help anxiety, social, paranoid issues. along with intrusive thoughts.

you should quit anything that is harming you though like drugs. and maybe try meditating, and taking walks in nature.

a proper diet, and lots of vitamins could help also. so just relax, most people don't stay in that urgent phase constantly. what basically needs to happen is that your brain needs a makeover, and it will try to adjust by itself. but i think another important part is that you need to look deeply within yourself, and see what you can find. then when you come out at the other end, which may take several months, you will figure that its all worth it. probably something about regeneration, and phoenix rising.

one thing that effects the nature of hallucinations is mood, but not all the time. sometimes you want to be happy, but then the hallucinations bring you down. the symbolic structure of your brain needs to change from an "underworld" perspective on to the "apollonian" nature. most of my delusions, hallucinations, voices are neutral or just slightly critical. i figure this is because i accepted myself for what i am before all this happened, and stayed strong to my principles. theres no real "rationality" to it though, maybe what you can "virtually" create.

I tried the vitamin route when I lived at home recently. I've since burned all my bridges with my family mainly because my mom took me off my medication and put me on a healthy diet of vitamins and nutritional food. She thought it would help but I had nightmares for 2 weeks, I'd wake up covered in sweat, and I'd pass out when standing up too quickly. It was a hellish experience that I never want to go through again.

What is everyone's take on smoking cigarettes? How does that effect someone like me? I'm just wondering if the positive aspects out weigh how unhealthy they are for you. This is something new to me i've only smoked for 2 months and i'm wondering whats best for my health.

My doctor seems to be pretty sympathetic towards me I just don't get enough time with her. I'm in and out in maybe 10 minutes she's very professional. It's hard to get to the root of the problem in that little amount of time. I'm definitely going to ask her if I can try clozapine. I feel so tranquilized when I wake up from my 15 hour sleeps. It's not that I try to sleep huge chunks of time it's just that I take my medicine when i go to bed, lay my head down, and suddenly it's 15 hours later. I'm wasting my life away because I've been taking such strong meds. I rly hope clozapine doesn't dose me down so much.

I have small reasons for all the anger I had. It really wasn't rational though because I was so disconnected from reality I would do anything without thinking first. even jump off a bridge because i was told I could fly. I never want to be that bad again. I was so mixed up scared and confused everyone was trying to kill me or put me on stage and test me in some way. I'd constantly lose my train of thought it was near impossible for me to appease everyone who was trying to kill me. I'd have the most bizarre rationality's like after the cops told me they are driving me to the woods to shoot me I thought if I told them to slow down and do the speed limit they would let me live. I thought if I said the right words which as I recall was something obserd like "we just passed mile marker 152 am I free to go?" I remember the cops laughing at me and messing with my poor state. We eventually got to the hospital where I met the fbi agent who had a test for me and if I passed I was free to go. That sure turned out ugly I've never had my pants pulled down and shot three times lol

I have no medical insurance so I can't have any brain scans done. I think after I have had my disability for 2 years I get medicare. So I'm looking forward to that. It's hard for me not to worry about what happened to me so recently. Am I at risk for falling deeper into that kind of state of psychosis again? Is this schizophrenia developing into a bigger monster waiting to be uncaged again? I know I have to take medication the rest of my life I just don't want to ever be as sick as I was before. I'm going to dedicate myself right now to live as healthy and responsible towards my illness as possible. After my big hospitalization i was on risperdal and when i got that feeling that people were out to kill me and i started hallucinating knives again I walked in to my doctors and waited to be seen even without an appointment. That surprise visit she took me off risperdal and put me on zyprexa. I'm a little nervous going off zyprexa but curious to try clozapine. I am already taking an antidepressant abilify 20mg. I love abilify

Meditating and going for a walk is on my list to do today and everyday now. I have to ask though what is a proper diet for someone like me? Do I avoid things like sugar my mom swears that sugar is the devil for you.

This used to happen to me too early on with my illness. I would hear people on tv talking about me or what I was going through. It turned out not to be true of course and my meds helped too.

Don't worry, you're not the only one who isn't comfortable around other people. I need to be alone most of the time or I start really getting umcomfortable. Some kind of parnoia starts and I get involved with people's boundaries. I know it's the illness because it wasn't like that before. I could just talk to anyone. Being around my family isn't an issue though so thank goodness for that.

Yeah, I hate hallucinating. If you can control your fear that's what really calms me down.

No fear = control.

Whatever happens just remind yourself that you're chemically imbalanced and there's nothing to worry about. Then you don't have to freak out and you can find some peace in your day.

I also like to sit in my bean bag and meditate. You don't have to call it meditation... just sit or laydown somewhere and feel good about yourself. Make friends with yourself and appreciate being alive. I think deep inside joy is the feeling we all feel first.

Alright, cya around. Remember, no fear. Laters.

i talked to my doctor today and she ended up giving me Thorazine. do u guys know anything about thorazine?