This is the worst realization in the world

I dont even really know where to begin. For the past 2-3 years my life has just gone down the drain. Throughout grade school and up until 8th grade I was perfectly normal,happy,and sucessful in academics. When I hit my freshman year in highschool my moods all of the sudden changed, I became extremely depressed and developed extremely low self-worth. After a devistating year of just moping around and being what I consider "hollow" I finally told my mother about how I was feeling, not that she hadnt noticed. She finally took me to see a psychiatrist, whom diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I could understand how I may have developed any sort of mental illnes, on account of my childhood. Anyway, i was put on a medicine called Lamictal , that I never even actually took, every morning I would flush it down the toilet or throw it down the drain and substitute it with my own self-medication (Adderall that I had been stealing from a friends father who was a doctor) . I believe the adderall helped treat the extreme fatigue and laziness that I expected (and was told) was caused by the depressive states of Bipolar disorder, it also created a sort of false happiness. Anyway only recently I have started to become a little paranoid about things and am having several delusions. When I am driving down the street and listening to a song I all the sudden "decipher" it into having some underlying meaning directed specifically towards me. This also happens with inadimate objects such as a rock on the ground, which could trigger a pattern of extremely irrational thoughts, keep in mind each was directed towards me. Most of the time these rocks or songs were messages from God trying to tell me that time is running out. I continued living a normal life , minus alot of social aspects. The only truly social interactions I had dealed with drugs....I tried everything to stop this, but when I smoked pot it just got so much worst. I stopped smoking it altogether and still to this day I havent touched it. Instead I moved onto opiates (I want to add that I have a disease called Scheumans diesase which causes sever pain in the back all the time at every moment and causes a hunch in the back) which seem to make every thing seem okay and make the pain less severe. I also am a very irritable person, and I am constantly yelling at my mother and cursing at her. I do not mean any of this at all and I love my mother with all my heart. This mostly happens in the morning when I am trying to get up which might I add is the struggle of the lifetime. I wake up grumpy in pain, groggy and full of hate. I still to this moment am convinced that the world is ending and all the recent weather flucuations have just added to this mess. I really am scared that Im experiencing the onset symptoms of schizophrenia something I never would have imagined would happen to me. Another thing I noticed is that I am completely exempt of any emotions. The only emotion I ever expierience is pure sadness, which can be quite a hassle. Im not going to lie and tell you that I have not considered suicide, Im just too afraid to die. It seems that my life is just full of odd coincedinces and underlying meanings....mostly supernatural or spiritual. Out of suspicion I decided to read some of the symptoms of schizophrenia and to my suprise almost all of them fit me. This is the worst relization in the world and it brings a tear to my eye even now. I dont want to live like this I just want this to stop. I am hurting everyone around me, and that is not what I want to do. I need some advice because Im too scared to tell anyone about my symptoms, although I dont kno why. I think Im afraid that my mother and brother will treat me different because of how schizophrenia is looked upon in society. Everyone seems to think people suffering from schizophrenia are violent and could strike at any moment. This could not be farther from the truth...at least in my case. I also dont understand how this happen...nothing recent could have triggered this. I cant believe this is real, I want this relization/awakening to be a dream.

Dom,
It is too sad that many people equate schizophrenia with violence. I blame it partly on the news media...you only hear of the really aweful stories.

I have a couple relatives who have schizophrenia. This one relative began hallucinating at age 12, was quite out of control physically, and was taken from psych doc to psych doc before a diagnosis became known. He was put on quite a few meds (none of whoch worked), but it didn't seem to make a difference.

Me, myself I have my own mental illnesses and personality disorders. What I did was to "shop around" in the field of professional mental health workers, till I found someone I could relate to. During this time I was quite a louse to have to be with, but with several years of quality counseling I am now doing much better.

I hear you when you say that you wish this was just a dream. We all wish that. But that's not reality and in order to get control over ourselves we need to be committed to progressively getting better.

There are some who claim that they have been cured, and are no longer schizophrenic. But I have not heard many stories like that. My hope for all people who struggle with a mental disorder or illness is for them to live the highest quality possible.

I hope that you can find the help you need and forgive me if I have "stepped" on your toes a little

Kathy

yo, if u were diag'd bipolar before, you may actually be schizoaffectiv. which is not too much better besides a slightly better prognosis. anyways - dont give up. life can get better, but u hav to take action (ie. trying prescriptions) and decide not only that u want to do something about it but youll be open to other people's (like a psychiatrist's) advice. maybe try to find people u can connect with living nearby you through NAMI - u aint alone!

-matt

sometimes when someone has an illness such as depression or bipolar it can give the symptoms of schizophrenia but isnt really schizophrenia at all. It doesn't sounds like schizophrenia to me, it sounds more just like your bipolar acting up.

I thought this too....only a couple problems...when i go down the list of symptoms associated with schizophrenia I can find everyone in me at one point or another.....the ones i notice i have all the time are...the lack of emotion....extreme depression.....physically exhausted......unexplained pains......very bad self-appearance......irritability....very socially withdrawn.....no interest in life....inability to make decisions...but i only have delusions when things get stressful. I never have visual hallucinations just sometimes auditory like hearing someones voices(actually someone elses thoughts) which in my mind I was trying to rationalize and I guess I percieved them as GOD. this is strange though because i dont hear this voices clearly unless ive smoked pot...but when im completely sober i just get the feeling i get when i hear the voice ....like someone is trying to tell me something is very wrong and that time is running ouit.....as for the delusions I used to get them all the time and thought they were real....innadimate(sp?) objects would have an underlying meaning that only i could decipher usually these meanings dealed with the spiritual world and were directed towards me.....but it was just recentyl that i realized something had to be wrong so i went online and read about schizophrenia when i decided that i had to have this i guess i decided that the delusions werent real so they have actually stopped. As strange as this all seems to me...Im not so sure they were fake..

Dom, let me start out by saying your story sounds similar to mine. I remember feeling EXACTLY the same, reading the symptoms of schizophrenia and getting so upset and worried that I had it. Most of the symptoms you described actually sound very much like severe depression and generalized anxiety disorder (both of which I suffer from). The feelings of unreality you described can be caused by severe anxiety and bipolar disorder. At times, I remember feeling like I was psychotic and was doomed to be at the mercy of schizophrenia for the rest of my life. I also remember how pot smoking would make everything alot worse. Those were some of the worst times of my life. I have never posted on the schizophrenia board before, but reading your story reminded me kind of what I went through, so I thought I'd give you some encouragement. I think you should seek some professional help if you haven't already, but if I were you, I would try to stop worring about the possibility of schizophrenia, cause it sounds like your problems most likely are being caused by other psychological factors.

I actually agree with Helping Hand for what it is worth.

You do appear to have the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, but you do sound like a BP sufferer on the whole. I post on a forum mainly used my BP sufferers, finding that they can even help me dealing with psychosis, as though it isn't the main part of their lives it is an aspect when they become particularly unwell. Most of these people also take a mild doseage of antipsychotics to stop them from dealing with psychosis.

I would also avoid smoking pot. Most the people I see at outpatients are particularly ill because of smoking pot. It is probably using pot that enhances any experiences you have, and I have seen very negative effects on friends of mine who otherwise have been perfectly well.

I would suggest you focus on getting the right medication (and taking it). The name of the condition does not matter, it's that you are able to function and enjoy life to the best of your ability that counts.